Why Is It Hard for Couples to Talk About Money?

Have you ever seen the show Marriage or Mortgage on Netflix? A couple has about $30,000 that they can either use as a down payment on a home or on a big wedding. After seeing a few houses and being wooed by wedding vendors, the couples have to decide which option seems like the best use of their money. This kind of discussion is something that couples may shy away from, but is really important to have.

Before my husband and I got married, we had conversations around some similar major life milestones. Looking at the numbers, my husband deduced that we could financially afford to do any two of the following three things in the next two years: have a small wedding, buy a house, or have a baby. For me, it was an easy decision to sacrifice a wedding, and we instead got married on a random weekday in a courthouse under a parking garage and behind a dojo for the cost of our wedding certificate.

When it comes to our romantic relationships, money conversations should start early and happen fairly regularly. For example, on a first date, do you split the check? Do you even discuss who pays, or do you feel there is a general rule around payment etiquette? I have heard the rule that whoever asks the other on a date should pay the bill. I have also heard that a first date should always be split. In truth, the answer is you should probably talk about it before the bill comes to avoid an awkward moment.

Why do couples shy away from conversations about money? Well, like most things in our relationships, we can trace it back to our childhood. Often times, children are not exposed to productive conversations about money in the house. They may be chastised for asking questions about money, particularly when asking their parents or other relatives how much they earn at their job. While they aren’t exposed to more positive money conversations around the house, they may very well be exposed to more negative conversations or conflicts among their parents when times are tough.

Money and finances are a source of conflict for many couples. In fact, in my own research, 75% of married participants indicated that they currently had an ongoing or repeated argument over money occurring in their relationships. When couples indicated they argued about money or finances with their partner, it corresponded with lower scores on satisfaction in their relationship. For about 25% of participants...

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