Parent the Child You Have, Not the One You Wish You Had

When you find out that you'll be parenting a new child, all sorts of thoughts begin to float around in your head. You fantasize about a child you’ll have a lot in common with. A child you can share the things in life that have brought you joy. You look forward to attending music recitals, sporting events and proudly applauding your child in the school play, or spending lazy afternoons making art together. Maybe you're a parent with strong political views and you can't wait to share your worldview and beliefs with the children you bring into your life.

There are just so many plans! The clothes you’ll dress your child in, the music you’ll play for them, the dishes you loved as a child that you can’t wait to make for them. The songs you will sing to them, the cities you will show them. The dreams are endless! Yep—it’s all fun and games until you meet your child in real life and you find out they have dreams of their own!

Intellectually, you know that your child will be their own individual person as they grow and develop. In practice, you just can’t know ahead of time what your chemistry will be with this particular child.

You don't know what it's going to feel like when your child absolutely hates the instrument you played dutifully every day after school. You don't know how much you're going to take it personally when your child decides they want nothing to do with a subject you love and instead gravitate towards one you struggle with. Maybe you feel introverted, quiet, and studious—and your child is the extroverted sports-oriented class clown!

So what's a parent to do? How do you learn to go with who your child is when you feel so much internal resistance, when your child experiences the world in such a different way than you do?

The answer is to parent the child you actually have, rather than the child you might have wished to have had. Sounds easier said than done? Here are some tips to get you started.

Commit to being responsive to who your child is

Whether your child is a newborn, in elementary school, or a freshman in college, you're probably not going to make it through a full day of being with them without a few moments of emotional mismatch. You'll have difficulty soothing them, understanding their needs, or liking how they act during an interaction. You'll want one thing to happen and they'll want a totally different thing!

These kinds of misalignments can make for bitter conflicts, but they don’t have to. Slow down, take a breath, and radically accept that, in this moment, your needs are at odds with your child’s needs. That in and of itself need not be a problem if you can remind yourself that you can’t control who your child is or how they think or feel. Prioritize safety needs and try to let go of the rest in these moments.

Focus on what is in...

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