6 Steps to Build or Repair Your Credit Before Buying a Home

Building credit is always important, but it’s critical before buying a home. Whether you’re a seasoned homeowner or a first-timer, your credit score is a primary factor that mortgage lenders consider when evaluating your application.

Not only does repairing and building credit help you get approved for a mortgage in the first place, it’s the key to locking in a low interest rate that saves huge amounts of money over the life of your loan.

For example, if you get a $200,000 fixed-rate mortgage with excellent credit, you’ll pay about $145,000 in interest with a 30-year loan. But if you have average credit, you’ll pay close to $190,000 in interest for the same loan.

Having less-than-stellar credit costs you $45,000 just in interest. Even if you sell your home before paying off the mortgage, having excellent credit translates into a monthly payment that’s $125 less than if you have average credit.  

If you invested $125 per month for retirement, instead of paying it to a mortgage lender, it could easily grow into a nest egg worth over $200,000 within 30 years. Small financial habits, like how you handle credit, really add up.

6 Steps to Build or Repair Your Credit Before Buying a Home

1. Check your credit reports. 
2. Correct any credit errors. 
3. Deal with delinquent accounts.
4. Cut your utilization ratio.
5. Reduce your debt to income ratio. 
6. Discuss your credit situation with lenders.

Follow these six steps to build or repair your credit before house hunting so you get approved for a mortgage that costs as little as possible.

1. Check your credit reports.

Since lenders put a lot of weight on your credit, you should be one step ahead of them by checking it first. Your credit scores are calculated entirely from data in your credit reports, so it’s critical to make sure that your credit reports don’t include any inaccurate information.

Your credit history is maintained by nationwide credit bureaus, including Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. Unfortunately, most consumers have errors on their credit reports that go undetected for years because they’ve never taken the time to review them. 

Unfortunately, most consumers have errors on their credit reports that go undetected for years because they’ve never taken the time to review them.

You probably won’t know which of your credit reports a mortgage lender will examine, so it’s wise to review all three, especially if you’ve never reviewed them or it’s been a while. Plus, your credit files typically vary from bureau to bureau because not all creditors and merchants report your payment information to all three of them. They’re not required to submit data to credit agencies, and many will choose to just work with one of them.

You’re entitled to view or print each of your reports for free every 12 months at the official credit site, annualcreditreport.com. But don’t wait until the last minute—check your reports at least several months before you plan to apply for a mortgage. That gives you plenty of time to correct any mistakes, which I’ll cover in the next step.

And if you know there are black marks on your credit, such as late payments or accounts in collections, start making serious credit repair efforts at least six months in advance. And if you can wait a year before applying for a home loan, that’s an even better timeframe to whip your credit and finances into shape.

When reviewing your reports, carefully check every item including your name, Social Security Number, current and previous addresses, employers, public records, and accounts. And don’t be surprised to see old accounts in your file. Even loans that you’ve paid off or credit cards that you closed stay in your credit file for a certain amount of time:

• Accounts with positive information remain on your credit report for at least 10 years and may remain indefinitely. 
• Accounts with negative information, such as late payments or being in collections, stay on your credit report for seven years.

For each of your open credit accounts, verify the available credit limit, the outstanding loan amount, and any late payments. If all your personal and account information is accurate, you can skip the next step. But if you see any errors, get them corrected as quickly as possible.

Note that your credit scores are never listed in your credit reports. That’s because you don’t have one credit score—there are more than 100 credit-scoring models out there. Some rank you with a numerical score, and some assign a letter grade, like an A or B.

As I mentioned, scores are based on the data in your reports, which changes constantly as new data is added and old data is deleted. So, credit scores are a snapshot of your credit in time and you typically must purchase them from scoring companies or credit bureaus.

Mortgage lenders commonly use the FICO credit score, which ranges from a low of 300 to a high of 850. FICO scores over 760 are considered excellent and those under 620 are likely to be turned down for a home loan. You can buy your FICO score for about $20, or you may have a credit card that offers it for free, such as Discover.

There are other credit sites, such as Credit Sesame and Credit Karma, that offer credit reports and credit scores from a couple of bureaus, such as TransUnion and Equifax, for free. These scores may not be the ones that your potential mortgage lender will use, but they’re a good indicator of your overall credit health. Plus, these sites offer great tips for how to boost your credit and they even notify you when your scores move up or down.

See also: FICO vs. VantageScore Credit Score--What's the Big Difference?

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2. Correct any credit errors.

If you review your credit reports and find errors, such as an account that isn’t yours or a bankruptcy you never filed, it’s an urgent matter that you need to correct quickly. You could be the victim of identity theft and need to report the matter to the Federal Trade Commission at identitytheft.gov.

Using the bureau’s website is the fastest and easiest way to file a credit dispute, and federal law allows you to do it for free.

But smaller errors, such as in incorrect credit limit or a late payment that you didn’t make, may be easy to clear up by speaking directly with your creditor. It’s also a good idea to go ahead and submit a formal dispute with the credit bureau showing the error.

Using the bureau’s website is the fastest and easiest way to file a credit dispute, and federal law allows you to do it for free. You’re asked to give a clear and concise explanation of why you believe the information is incorrect. You can upload or mail any supporting documents to help sort the matter out.

Then the credit bureau opens a dispute case and contacts the creditor that submitted the questionable information. Your creditor has up to 45 days to respond. If they don’t, the credit bureau makes the correction that you requested and sends you an updated credit report.

If your creditor responds in time, but doesn’t agree with you and won’t make an adjustment to your credit report, you can add a statement of explanation to your credit file. That allows you to tell your side of the story in up to 100 words. Future creditors and merchants may take your statement into consideration when evaluating you.

Any information you add to your credit history remains there for as long as the disputed account appears in your credit history, or until you request to have the statement removed. Remember that accurate, but negative, information can’t be removed simply because you don’t like it. As I previously mentioned, late payments and accounts in collection eventually fall off your credit report after seven years.

And by the way, each credit bureau is required to notify the other bureaus about disputes, so you only need to submit it once. So, the earlier you get started cleaning up your reports, the faster your credit scores can improve.

Yes, making disputes may seem like a hassle, but you’ll be glad when it’s done and you get a great mortgage. Remember that credit bureaus don’t make lending or credit decisions, they simply maintain a database of information that’s reported to them.

See Also: 7 Credit Score Traps You Should Avoid

3. Deal with delinquent accounts.

If you have delinquencies—such as late payments, accounts in collection, and judgments—they will hurt your ability to get a mortgage. Your payment history is the most important factor in the calculation of your credit scores. So, if you have poor credit, it’s probably because you haven’t paid accounts as agreed.

Your payment history is the most important factor in the calculation of your credit scores.

Before putting in a mortgage application, consider paying off any past due balances or negotiating a settlement with creditors. Unfortunately, making a lump sum payment or a monthly payment agreement for a delinquent account doesn’t remove it from your report. As I mentioned, all accurate but negative information stays for up to seven years.

However, getting caught up on late payments helps clean up your report. And black marks in your credit files can be overshadowed by newer, positive information as you make payments on time. In other words, the older a delinquency gets, the less it’s factored into your credit scores and the better you look to a mortgage lender.

One word of caution is that if you have old past due accounts, making a payment can restart the statute of limitations, which comes with legal risks. So, if you have a large amount of delinquent debt, always consult with an attorney before communicating with creditors. Check out The Statute of Limitations and 4 Options for Old Debt for more information.

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4. Cut your utilization ratio.

In addition to correcting errors and cleaning up delinquencies, use your credit report to manage another key ingredient in your credit scores: your utilization ratio. This is the percentage of available credit you’re currently using.

For example, if your credit card has $10,000 of available credit and you have a $5,000 balance, your utilization is 50%. The optimal credit utilization is about 20% or less. So, paying down the balance to $2,000 would result in a quick boost to your credit scores.

Don’t make the mistake of closing any credit accounts before getting a mortgage. While it might seem like having fewer accounts would make you appear more attractive to a lender, it can hurt you.

Don’t make the mistake of closing any credit accounts before getting a mortgage. While it might seem like having fewer accounts would make you appear more attractive to a lender, it can hurt you.

Canceling an account could significantly reduce your available credit, which would cause your credit utilization to skyrocket and your scores to go down. So, play it safe and wait until after you move into your new home to close unwanted accounts.

Likewise, having more available credit relative to your outstanding balances can reduce your utilization ratio and help your scores. However, in most cases requesting a higher credit limit comes with an inquiry on your credit, which causes a slight ding. But requesting more available credit might be a good strategy that outweighs the downside, if you’re struggling to bring down your balances and cut utilization on your own.

Also, having a mix of revolving accounts—like credit cards and lines of credit—and installment loans (such as auto, personal, or student loans) helps your credit. If you close all your credit cards, that could negatively affect your scores.

Plus, some lenders require you to have at least two or three credit accounts already open in your name. To have the best credit you need to have both installment and revolving accounts with positive payment history.

See also: How Many Credit Cards Should You Have for Good Credit?

5. Reduce your debt-to-income ratio.

Another approval factor that mortgage lenders use is called the debt-to-income ratio. It shows how your expenses stack up against how much you earn. It’s a good indicator of how comfortably you could take on additional debt.

One formula called the housing or front-end debt-to-income-ratio shows what percentage of your income would go toward your housing costs, such as a mortgage payment, property taxes, association dues, and homeowner’s insurance. Another is the total or back-end ratio, which shows what percentage of income would go toward all your debts.

For example, if all your monthly obligations total $25,000 per year and you earn an annual salary of $50,000, your back-end debt-to-income ratio is 50% ($25,000 / $50,000 = 0.5 = 50%), which is high.

Most home lenders like to see housing ratios below the range of 25% to 28%, and total debt ratios below 36% to 40%. If you exceed these limits, you may need to pay down debt balances to get approved.

So, crunch the numbers on your debt ratios and see if you can reduce them by paying down debt or consolidating it so you have lower monthly payments. Additionally, paying down your outstanding debt balances, boosts your credit.

See also: 5 Lesser-Known Reasons Why Your Credit Scores Drop

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6. Discuss your credit situation with lenders.

Before applying for a mortgage or taking your first house hunting trip, I recommend that you talk to several potential lenders. They want to do business with you and can evaluate your financial situation for free.

A preapproval locks in a mortgage offer for a limited period and saves time, allowing you to buy a property much faster than if you were starting from scratch.

Ask how you can qualify for the best rate possible and heed their advice. Each lender evaluates you differently, so you’ll probably hear slightly different guidelines. Research possible loans, rates, companies, and brokers exhaustively. Buying a home is a major commitment and doing your homework can give you a huge financial reward.

If your finances and credit are as good as a lender needs them to be, you can get pre-approved for a home loan before you begin shopping. This helps you know the price range of homes you can afford and it tells real estate professionals and sellers that you’re a great prospect.

A preapproval locks in a mortgage offer for a limited period and saves time, allowing you to buy a property much faster than if you were starting from scratch. It also shows you the down payment you’d need to bring to the closing table.

Once you have a preapproval, be sure not to open any new credit accounts or make any changes to your financial life. They’re conditional on not having any significant modifications to your income, expenses, or credit. So, keep a low credit profile once you begin the home buying process. If you apply for a new credit card or a car loan while you’re waiting to close on a home loan, you risk spoiling your mortgage terms or losing the deal.

How to Buy a Home With Poor Credit

If you have poor credit, there are a few options to still become a homeowner. One way is to apply for an FHA loan, which is a government program offered by approved lenders. FHA loans are available even with a FICO score as low as 580, if you can come up with a 3.5% down payment.

Problem is, FHA loans come with high underlying fees that add to your loan balance. In other words, it can get you into a home, but end up costing you much more in the long run than a conventional mortgage.  

If your score is high enough, you could choose to take a conventional mortgage with a high interest rate and refinance it for a lower rate later. The risk is that you might not qualify for a refinance down the road or that interest rates could move higher, leaving you stuck with a bad rate.

Another option to buy a home when you have sub-par credit is to make a larger down payment. Paying more of your own money to buy a home makes you a lower credit risk to lenders because you’re less likely to walk away from the investment.

My advice is to never buy a home unless you’re certain that you’ll stay there for at least five years. You never know how long it could take to sell a house and you must pay closing costs each time you buy and sell real estate.

And just because you qualify for a mortgage doesn’t mean that you should get one. It’s a big commitment that has to fit in with all your other financial goals, such as putting enough aside for retirement and paying down your existing debt. If renting will save you money so you can accomplish your financial objectives, then that may be the way to go.

But, if buying a home has more advantages and you’re willing to put down some roots, then getting your finances and credit in tiptop shape by following these steps is the best way to start.

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Meal Planning for Dietary Needs

Linda Gassenheimer's The 12-week Diabetes Cookbook: Your Super Simple Plan for Organizing, Budgeting, and Cooking Amazing Dinners offers 12 weeks of quick and easy, family-friendly recipes. Tune in to hear more about:

• Linda's background and food philosophy
• How families with multiple dietary needs can eat together for under $5 per person, per meal
• Tips for shopping smarter
• How to meal plan around leftovers
• Linda's advice for anyone hesitant about eating healthier
• and much more!

Bonus Recipe

BALSAMIC PORK SCALOPPINI WITH GARLIC SWEET POTATOES AND SUGAR SNAP PEAS

SERVES: 4

SERVING SIZE: 5 ounces pork, 1/2 cup onion, 1/4 cup sauce, 1 tablespoon pine nuts, 3/4 cup sugar snap peas, 3/4 cup potatoes, 1 teaspoon olive oil

PREP TIME: 15 minutes

COOKING TIME: 20 minutes

Sweet and tart balsamic vinegar dresses up pork scaloppini. Sweet potato sticks and sugar snap peas add a colorful side dish to this meal. There are many different qualities of balsamic vinegar. The best ones are made only from grapes; lesser ones add brown sugar or caramel. Read the label. It should say balsamic vinegar and not have any other added ingredients such as sugar. Using the microwave helps speed the cooking of the potatoes and snap peas. Another time-saving tip is to use the dish they’re microwaved in as a serving dish, which can be washed in the dishwasher; that’s one less dish to clean! I have also given instructions for a stove-top method of cooking the vegetables.

HELPFUL HINTS:

• Thin-cut boneless pork chops can be used instead of pork tenderloin.
• Green beans or snow peas can be substituted for sugar snap peas. The cooking time and method are the same.
• Use 2 skillets if you don’t have one large enough to fit all of the pork.

COUNTDOWN:

• Microwave potatoes and sugar snap peas and set aside.
• Make pork.
• Remove pork from skillet and sauté potatoes and sugar snap peas in the same skillet.

BALSAMIC PORK SCALOPPINI

• 1 1/2 pounds pork tenderloin
• Olive oil spray
• 2 cups diced onion
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 cup balsamic vinegar
• 1/4 cup pine nuts
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro

1. Remove fat from pork tenderloin and cut into 2-inch slices. Flatten the slices with a meat bat or the bottom of a clean, heavy skillet to about 1/2-inch thickness.

2. Heat a nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Spray with olive oil spray. Add onion and sauté 3 minutes. Move onion to the sides of the skillet.

3. Add pork to the skillet and sauté 2 minutes per side. Remove to a plate; sprinkle with salt and pepper. 4. Raise heat under the skillet to high and add vinegar. Reduce liquid by half, about 1 minute. Add pine nuts and warm through, about 30 seconds. 5. Divide pork among 4 dinner plates and spoon sauce and pine nuts on top. Sprinkle cilantro on top.

GARLIC SWEET POTATOES AND SUGAR SNAP PEAS

• 1 pound sweet potatoes (about 3 1/2 cups strips)
• 1/2 pound sugar snap peas, trimmed (about 3 1/2 cups)
• 4 teaspoons olive oil
• 4 medium cloves garlic, crushed
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1. Wash potatoes. Peel and cut them into strips about the same size as the sugar snap peas (about 2 inches × 1/2 inch).

2. Microwave method: Place potatoes and sugar snap peas in a bowl and cook in a microwave oven on high for 5 minutes. Stove-top method: Bring a saucepan of water to a boil and add the potatoes. Boil 3 minutes, add sugar snap peas, and boil 2 more minutes. Drain.

3. When the pork is cooked and removed from skillet, add the oil and garlic to the same skillet used for the pork. Add the potatoes and snow peas. Toss for 2–3 minutes or until potatoes are crisp and cooked through. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and serve.

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COST OF MEAL PER PERSON $4.63

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PER SERVING

CHOICES/EXCHANGES

1 1/2 starch, 1 carbohydrate, 2 nonstarchy vegetable, 5 lean protein, 1 fat

 

Total Calories 500

Total Fat 14 g

Saturated Fat 2.6 g

Monounsaturated Fat 6.2 g

Trans Fat 0.0 g

Cholesterol 110 mg

Sodium 620 mg

Potassium 1420 mg

Total Carbohydrate 48 g

Fiber 7 g

Sugars 20 g

Protein 41 g

Phosphorus 545 mg

Should You Eliminate Oil From Your Diet?

Some popular diet trends recommend eliminating all forms of oil from your diet—including oils that are often promoted as healthful, such as olive oil. Is an oil-free diet healthier?

Nutrition Diva listener Joy recently asked about this in a Facebook discussion. “What do you think about the idea that oil is unhealthy and should be avoided?,” she wrote. “I've noticed that some plant-based recipe blogs I like highlight their oil-free recipes. And a doctor told me I should work on eliminating ALL oil (not fats, just oil) from my diet. If you haven't done a podcast on this topic, please think about covering it!”

Your wish is my command, Joy. Let’s take a closer look at some of the arguments against oil.

Is Oil Unhealthy Because it is Processed?

The Argument: 

Oils are generally extracted from whole foods. Olive oil is pressed from whole olives, corn oil is pressed from corn, and so on. In the process of extracting the fat, valuable nutrients (such as fiber) are left behind. Oil is also much more calorie dense than the whole foods it is pressed from.

This is similar to arguments I’ve made against fruit juice. When we squeeze an orange, we remove the fiber and end up with a more concentrated source of sugar and calories. We can also drink a glass of juice much more quickly than we can eat an orange, and this can lead to overconsumption.

The Counterargument:

One difference here is that no-one is going to drink a glass of olive oil instead of eating a few olives.

Olive oil is most commonly used to dress a salad or roast vegetables. Does adding oil to your salad add calories? You bet. Does it make those vegetables less nutritious? Not at all. In fact, adding oil to your salad helps you absorb more of the nutrients in those vegetables. And if it makes those vegetables more appealing and palatable, so that you eat more of them (and less of other things), it’s a win all the way around.

See also: What's the Most Nutritious Way to Eat Vegetables?

This seems to be the case for Cheryl, who posted, “Since I stopped limiting my olive oil years ago, I've eaten way more vegetables—because they taste great with oil and not as great without it.”

As for valuable nutrients being left behind, many of the most beneficial nutrients in olives, nuts, seeds, and avocados—such as omega-3 fatty acids, phytosterols, vitamin E, and polyphenols—are fat soluble. These nutrients are not only present in the oil, but they are often in more concentrated amounts than you’d get from eating the whole foods.

Can Consuming Oil Lead to Weight Gain?

The Argument:

One website promoting oil-free diets claims that “Oil...has more calories per gram than any other food...and without any fiber or water in it, oil lacks the bulk to convey to your senses how many calories you have eaten; this virtually guarantees you will consume more calories at the meal than you need.”

The Counterargument:

It’s absolutely true that oil is a concentrated source of calories but I don’t buy the argument that including oil in your diet will inevitably lead you to consume too many calories and gain weight.

As I explained in my episodes on satiety and satiation, water and fiber add volume to foods, which helps fill the stomach. That’s one of the reasons that I encourage you to eat vegetables whenever you can. But fat can help you eat less through other mechanisms—by stimulating the release of gastrointestinal hormones that reduce the desire to eat, and slowing down the absorption of carbohydrates from your meal, which leads to steadier blood sugar levels.  

Combining vegetables (with their high water and fiber content) with healthy fats such as those found in olive oil can be a winning combination in terms of nutrition, taste, and appetite control.  

See also: Why am I So Hungry After Eating Vegetables?

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The Mediterranean diet provides another counterargument to the claim that including oil in your diet will lead you to gain weight. This dietary pattern gets a large portion of its calories from fat, in general, and olive oil, in particular. And yet those who follow a Mediterranean diet pattern are less likely to be overweight than those who follow a standard American diet, which is somewhat lower in fat. (It’s also lower in vegetables.)

Whether or not oil is healthful or unhealthful depends a lot on the company it keeps. Eating a lot of potato chips, french fries, cakes, cookies, and other pastries could definitely lead to excessive calorie consumption. But the oil is not what makes these foods problematic. They also contain high amounts of salt, sugar, and/or refined white flour.

Olive and avocado oil are both high in heart healthy monounsaturated fats and polyphenols.

If you are minimizing your intake of fried foods, refined grains and added sugars, I’m not that worried about how much olive oil you’re consuming.

Some Oils are Healthier Than Others

Although I don't think there's a good argument for eliminating all oil from your diet, some oils are definitely healthier than others.

• Olive and avocado oil are both high in heart healthy monounsaturated fats and polyphenols.
• Coconut oil is very stable at high temperatures, so it’s a good choice for high heat cooking.
• Canola and walnut oil are both good sources of omega-3 fats.

One of the sillier arguments I saw against oils is that "they may also lead to increased bleeding through thinning of the blood;" This blood-thinning action, which helps to lower the risk of blood clots and stroke, is  one of the reasons that omega-3 fats lower the risk of heart disease. 

Vegetable oils pressed from corn, soy, and sunflower seeds are perhaps the least healthful choices. These oils are very high in polyunsaturated fats, which can create harmful compounds when heated. They are also quite high in omega-6 fats, which can prevent those healthy omega-3s from doing their job.  

Which Oils Should You Use or Avoid?

Because different oils offer different advantages, I use a variety of different oils. Olive oil is my primary cooking oil. I use coconut oil if I’m stir-frying at high temperatures. I might also choose coconut, walnut, toasted sesame, or another specialty oil for the specific flavor it contributes. On the other end of the spectrum, I keep a bottle of canola oil around for those times when I need a very neutral flavor. I generally do not use corn, soy, or other vegetable oils.

What do you use in your kitchen? Or do you avoid oil? Post your thoughts below or on the Nutrition Diva facebook page. 

Image of different kinds of cooking oils © Shutterstock

6 Phases to Restoring Balance in a Relationship

Forgiving and apologizing both give us a taste of emotional freedom. This is why we typically feel good afterward. We give an apology, and we give forgiveness. Only when we are free can we give, and this single act promotes our independence and builds our emotional immunity.

Yet before we attempt to gain forgiveness for ourselves, we must move forward with the utmost delicacy. When we’ve clearly violated the respect, trust, and rights of another, the path to forgiveness lies in restoring balance to the relationship—be it personal or professional. In balance, we find justice, and in justice, we find forgiveness.

Follow this six-phase protocol as best you can to do your part in bringing peace to your relationships and yourself.

Phase 1: Humility and Respect

If we enter the situation with anything other than complete humility, we likely won’t receive forgiveness. We must negate our ego. It’s not about us, it’s about the other person. This means we should not argue and scream our point or show up at someone’s office demanding that he listen to our side of the story. Rather, we should ask permission before we speak to him and perhaps even prior to initiating personal contact—via a note or intermediary— if the relationship is severely strained. Approaching the person with extreme deference and even reverence is a requisite for the process. We want to ask for permission before we do anything. We should leave right away if he doesn’t want to talk to us. We can try again another time. (And if we’re there only to be yelled at, that’s fine, too.) In our anger, we often do the opposite of this, and say such things as, “I drove all the way here, so you darn well better talk to me. I said I was sorry! What more do you want?” This adds fuel to the flames as we further demonstrate lack of respect. We almost don’t have to say anything, as long as the other person sees that we’re doing everything possible to make things right again.

In a situation where the person won’t even talk to us or we haven’t been in contact for some time, we might need to jumpstart the relationship and put in a great deal of effort, such as flying to where the person is, dropping off a letter of apology, and then leaving without speaking to the person. If we can make an investment—emotionally, financially, or any other way—and show genuine effort, even without immediate success, we will gain traction.

Phase 2: Be Accountable

It’s important for us to take full and complete responsibility for our actions. We must not shift the blame or make excuses—this will only exacerbate the situation. We shouldn’t say, “I got so upset because we did . . . ,” or, “I didn’t think it was a big deal to . . .” We must not blame the person for anything—his actions or ours—and we mustn’t minimize our role.

Phase 3: Sincerely Apologize

Sometimes we forget to actually say the words I’m sorry. Though these words are rarely enough, they are necessary to gaining forgiveness. Moreover, we must acknowledge that our actions hurt the other person: I’m sorry, I know I hurt you and caused you pain. We need to ensure that our sincerity comes across. An insincere apology won’t be believed; and if we’re not believed, we won’t be forgiven. If we aren’t truly sorry and remorseful, then we may repeat our behavior and put this person through more pain—in which case it might be time for us to reevaluate the relationship and ourselves.

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Phase 4: Be Willing to Accept—and Even Offer—Consequences

It’s one thing to talk the talk, but things can fall apart if he thinks that we’re trying to escape unscathed. Let the other person know that you’re willing to face and accept all consequences of your actions. Putting ourselves in the hands of someone we have harmed and being answerable for our conduct and the aftermath will help to mitigate that person’s feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Our initial act, which requires forgiveness, pulled the emotional rug right out from under him. Our behavior violated trust, which is the cornerstone of a relationship. By putting this person in charge of your fate and the entirety of the relationship, you help to reestablish a sense of security and give back, in a way, the power that you took.

Putting ourselves in the hands of someone we have harmed will help to mitigate that person’s feelings of vulnerability.

We can start by saying something like, “I know what I did was wrong. You have every right to be angry with me. I’m willing to accept the full repercussions of my actions.” We must begin to cede control with our words, or he may further castigate us as his way of setting things straight.

Phase 5: Make Things Right

If we profited in some way, then we must give back what doesn’t rightfully belong to us, in order to set things straight—whether it be money or other items. If we don’t have what we wrongfully took but we can replace it, we must make every effort to do so as soon as possible—and when feasible, we have to let the person know our plan and our progress. And remember: It’s essential to continue on this path even if he still isn’t talking to us.

Regardless of our relationship with the person, by doing what is right, despite not getting what we want (the relationship), we can prove that we are the kind of person he wants back in his life. It is important to stress here that whether or not there is something tangible to return, we are obligated to work on the character flaw or emotional issue that led to our hurtful actions. Only in this way can we authentically declare what we are now—or are working hard toward becoming: a different person who is no longer capable of such abhorrent conduct.

Phase 6: A Painless Game Plan

Let the person know that he has full power over how things proceed, that he is in control every step of the way. You suggest a game plan that moves slowly but surely toward reestablishing the relationship while ensuring that at any time, he can opt to continue, stop, or change course.

Copyright © 2018 by David Lieberman Ph.D. in Never Get Angry Again and reprinted by permission of St. Martin’s Press.

Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation by David Lieberman, Ph.D, is now available wherever books and audiobooks are sold.

Are You a Military Spouse? It's Time to Talk Retirement

Among taboo topics, personal finance ranks high on the list--even above religion, politics, and death. The reasons for our uncomfortable relationship with money range from a lack of education on the topic to embarrassment about money woes.

 

But Americans can't afford to shy away from money discussions, especially when it comes to retirement. According to an Economic Policy Institute study from June of this year, nearly half of families don't have retirement accounts. This is especially important for military families.

 

In 2018, the military’s retirement system will face its biggest overhaul since World War II. Although, the military’s “old” defined benefit retirement system was generous, it only provided benefits after 20 years of service. For the 83% of service members who left early, they received no benefit.

 

Current service members and their spouses have a tough but important decision to make this year: enroll in the new system or stick with the old one. Here are some tips to help you choose the right retirement option. 

What's the new blended retirement system for the military?

First, it's important to know if the changes to the military retirement system will affect your family. Service members with less than 12 years of service as of December 31, 2017 can choose to enroll in the new blended system or keep the old one. If the service member has served for over 12 years, they're grandfathered into the legacy system.

 

The new blended retirement system has three parts:

• A defined contribution plan that vests at two years (similar to a 401 (k))
• A continuation bonus at around 12 years of service
• A defined benefit pension at retirement after 20 or more years

With the new plan, the government provides a 1% contribution after 60 days of service, and automatically enrolls service members to contribute 3%. Service members can decrease their contribution or increase it to 5% and receive a 5% match from the government.

How can military families weigh their retirement options?

Deciding which retirement choice to make is a personal decision and should be evaluated carefully. Discuss your financial goals openly and as a family. While many people join the military and intend to serve until retirement, that doesn't always happen.

 

If the service member in your life is sure that he or she will stay until retirement, the current defined contribution plan may be the best choice. Staying the full 20 years means receiving retirement pay that's 20% higher than it would be under the new system. Leaving early means you'll have no retired pay and no matching contributions from the governement.

 

If the service member in your life plans to leave the military before the required 20 years, the new blended retirement system is more beneficial. If your family choses this option, make a goal to contribute 5% so you get the highest government match. Too many Americans report not knowing how much they should save for a comfortable retirement. This plan encourages service members to take responsibility for their own retirement instead of relying solely on a pension.

How can military familes improve their financial lives?

While planning for retirement is an essential part of your financial health as a couple or family, don't forget about managing your day-to-day expenses. Budgeting can be a challenge, especially for military families who are asked to relocate frequently.

 

Building an emergency saving fund of at least three to sixth months of living expenses is a wise goal. Start small by putting a percentage of each paycheck into a separate savings account.

 

With this important change, military spouses and families should be ready to discuss their goals and then make the best choice for their retirement. Talking about money can be difficult, but it's critical for your financial future.

 

This article was written by military spouse, Brittany Benassi, CFP, who is a financial planner at AAFMAA Wealth Management and Trust. 

The Best Jump Rope Workouts for Beginners and Experts

Since I was in grade school, Jump Rope for Heart has promoted fitness in schools while also raising money for heart health research and education. But the benefits of jumping rope go far beyond the school ground.

A few weeks ago Elizabeth sent me a message on Facebook saying, “Hello! Could you make a recommendation for a jump rope workout? I have one arriving today and don't know where to start. I'm trying to incorporate higher intensity cardio into my workout. Thanks!”

I did, in fact, send Elizabeth a link to a jump rope workout that I really like but I did it with some hesitation. Jumping rope is pretty darn safe overall but, with any new workout modality, there are some risks involved, especially if you are just starting out or returning to it after a long hiatus.

Some common injuries that can occur with jumping rope are:

• Twisted ankle
• Ankle sprain
• Shin splints
• Calf strain
• Achilles tendon strain
• Plantar fasciopathy
• Patellar tendonitis
• Stress fractures

Now, I didn’t list those to scare you or put you off of jumping rope, I just wanted you to be aware that just because kids do this activity in the playground doesn’t mean it isn’t a killer workout that can certainly leave its mark.

The Jump Rope Basics

Start by selecting a rope that is the correct length for you by stepping on the center of the rope, with your feet together, and then pull the handles straight up. When you do this, the handles should reach roughly the height of your shoulders.

Start by standing with your feet hip width apart, torso tall and your elbows bent at about a 45-degree angle. To begin with, until you get into some fancier jumping moves, you’ll want your elbows close in near your body. Make sure to use your wrists to swing the rope instead of your arms. You’ll find that once the rope gets moving it is easy to keep it going with just a flick of the wrist.

To jump, simply push off from the balls of your feet and lift your feet just high enough to clear the rope and then land again with slightly bent knees to minimize the impact.

Beginners can start with about 30 seconds of consecutive jumping (or 50 repetitions) but limit yourself to three or four sets until you are certain your body can handle it. Rest for 30 to 60 seconds between each set and use that time to shake out your ankles and legs before you get yourself mentally focused for the next set.

After a while, you can increase the length of your sets to 60 to 90 seconds of jumping (or 100 to 150 repetitions). Alternately, you can shorten your rest periods to 15 to 30 seconds. Either way, you will be increasing the workout. 

At first, I would suggest only doing two jump rope workouts per week but you can eventually increase that to three or four per week, just make sure they are on nonconsecutive days so you have adequate time to recover.

After a few weeks, you can work your way up to about 20 minutes of jumping during those three or four jump workouts per week. Those jump sets can last two to five minutes in duration (or 200 to 500 repetitions) where you complete four of five sets per workout, resting 15 to 60 seconds between sets. Once you can handle that the fun begins!

Intermediate Jump Rope Workout

Here is a fun and relatively easy-to-remember-and-master workout that you can try when you are confident your calves, shins, and ankles can handle it. Do each of these variations for one minute separated by one minute of rest.

Basic: Swing the rope over your head, jump as it passes under your feet, and then land evenly on both feet.

Alternating Foot: Shift your weight onto your right foot and swing the rope over your head. Jump off your right foot as the rope passes under your feet and land on your right foot. Then switch to land on your left foot. Keep doing this, alternating back and forth, left to right for one minute.

Combo: Do the alternating foot version for five jumps on each foot and then do ten basic jumps.

High Knee: Similar to the alternating foot variation but now you raise each knee, up towards your chest, to a 90-degree angle with each jump.

Go Long: This is the big finish. Do any combination of the above that allows you to do a continuous jump interval of five minutes. If you have to take a break, make it brief and get back at it. Once you hit five minutes, you are done. Go stretch and foam roll (especially your calves and shins) and hit the showers!

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Advanced Jump Rope

Once you get comfortable with all these moves, doing this sequence can feel like dancing instead of a workout.

This is a fun one especially for those of us who like to jump rope to music. Once you get comfortable with all these moves, doing this sequence can start to feel like dancing instead of a workout and we all know how enjoying your workout (and using music) can actually lower your level of perceived exertion and make a workout feel like play.

After a good full body warmup, do these moves for 20 reps (or more) each before moving on to the next one.

• 20 Basic Jumps
• 20 Ski Jumps
• 20 Heel Taps
• 20 Scissors Jumps

The order is not important, so play around and have fun with it!

For some helpful how-to videos of these (and other) moves, check out Shana Brady’s Punk Rope videos on YouTube. It can be helpful to read about these exercises but seeing them can really drive it home.

Jumping rope is a great way to boost your heart rate, create some spring in your legs and of course burn some calories.

Combining Jump Rope and Body Weight Exercises

Ok, this is the ultimate in Jump Rope workouts. This is when we alternate between jumping rope and doing other types of exercises. All you need for this combination of toning and cardio is a jump rope, an open area, and some energy to burn.

Warm-up: start the way I outlined at the beginning of this article and then move on to one-to-two minutes of each of the following.

• Two Foot Jump
  • Body Weight: Push Ups
• High Knee Jump (alternating)
  • Body Weight: Russian Twists
• Alternating foot jump
  • Body Weight: Sumo Squats
• Basic Jump
  • Body Weight: Dips
• Two Foot Jump
  • Body Weight: Bicycle Crunches
• High Knee jump (alternating)
  • Body Weight: Walking lunges
• Basic Jump

Cool-down: Walk slowly until you catch your breath, then stretch out any tight areas, roll out all the affected muscle groups and hit the showers.

To take it up a notch: Keep your transitions as quick as possible so you don’t let your heart rate drop too much. If you have it in you, you can do this all again for a maximum of three times through.

Jump Rope Reminders

Whether you are new to jumping or a jump rope veteran, here are some basic rules to keep in mind:

• Keep your elbows tucked in close to your hips or ribs.
• Keep your hands around waist height. Don’t let them sag or creep up.
• Keep the handles loose and easy in your grip. Don’t crush them in your fists.
• Keep your knees, hips and ankles soft and let them bend and flex on each landing.
• Unless you are doing a specific variation, keep your jumps low.
• Use your wrists as much as possible to swing the rope instead of your arms.

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To keep you safe and uninjured, here are some general guidelines for those of you who are new to jumping rope or for those of you who haven’t done it since you were in braces or pigtails.

Surface and Location Matter

Stick to softer surfaces (wood, dirt, or rubber) these will protect your body and also make your rope last longer.

Hard surfaces (like concrete and asphalt) put more stress on your bones and joints than the ​softer surfaces do. If you can stick to softer surfaces (wood, dirt, or rubber) these will protect your body and also give the added benefit of making your rope last longer.

If you have no choice but to jump on hard surfaces, keep your volume and impact low and consider investing in a jump rope mat (or use an old yoga mat).

You will also want to find at least a four-by-six-foot area with at least 10 inches of space above your head. For this reason, I prefer to do my jump rope outside or in a large gym setting.

Shoes Also Matter

Especially when you are just starting out, choose shoes that have good stability, good arch support, and perhaps even some ankle support. Again, if you are jumping on hard surfaces, find some shoes with extra cushioning in the midsole (where the majority of your jumping takes place).

Once you have been jumping for a while or if you have already spent the time to make your feet nice and strong (for that check out the article on ways to get stronger feet), your footwear will not be as important but it is best to err on the side of caution until you know how your feet and legs will react.

Choose a Good Rope

Beginners may find a beaded jump rope handy because it holds its shape better and can be easier to control than a lightweight cloth or a vinyl rope. You can (and should) eventually move up to a weighted rope (which slows the swing motion down and gives you more time to power your jump) but start easy and progress at your own pace.

Warm Up First

For a detailed full body warm-up, you can check out the article What is the Best Way to Warm Up? But just like a rubber band, a muscle is more pliable when it is at a warmer temperature, so if you want to train your body to move through a greater range of motion, start with 5-10 minutes of light cardio and then move into a dynamic stretching warm-up routine.

Dynamic stretching (or ballistic stretching) is much more effective than static stretching in terms of adequately preparing your body for an exercise session. Studies have shown that dynamic stretching can also improve power, strength, and performance during a subsequent exercise session. So take some time and warm up thoroughly and correctly.

Increase Your Volume Slowly

Yes, I know I bring this up a lot but especially for beginners we often see that age-old issue of “too much, too soon.” Excitement often gets the best of us and we forget to pay attention to the volume (distance or duration) of our exercise. This can be a problem because it takes time for our bodies to adjust to new stresses, which includes the added load that all that jumping puts on our joints and muscles.

Pay attention to how long, how hard, and how often you are jumping and listen to your body. Just like a good running program or weight training regimen, you should start slowly and only increase your volume based on how your body adjusts, not on a prewritten plan or a momentarily excited whim.

Listen to Your Body

In any effective workout program, you will experience some pain (especially when you are making progress). That particular type of pain is actually a sign that your muscles are being challenged, which is necessary for growth.

Us exercise nerds use a term called “DOMS,” which is short for “Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness,” which means soreness that peaks about 24-48 hours post-workout. DOMS that manifests in light muscle tenderness and stiff joints is completely normal, but DOMS that results in muscles that are very painful to the touch or sharp pains in the joints is not normal. So, if it hurts to sneeze, laugh, or wash your own hair a couple of days after a workout, then you need to pay more attention and ease off on the volume or intensity (or both).

It’s very important to be aware of your body and how it feels so you will know what your own limits are.

It’s very important to be aware of your body and how it feels so you will know what your own limits are. You do want to push yourself, but only to a beneficial point. Check out the article How to Tell If You’re Working Out Hard Enough for more info on that.

Stretch and Roll

Stretching or better yet spending some time on your foam roller will help minimize DOMs, improve your speed of recovery from the workouts, and maybe even reduce your chances of injury. If nothing else, it’s a great way to end a hard workout.

The Bottom Line

Jumping rope is a great way to boost your heart rate, create some spring in your legs, and of course burn some calories. According to Peter Schulman, MD, associate professor, Cardiology/Pulmonary Medicine, you'd have to run an eight-minute mile to work off more calories than you burn while jumping rope.

It's good for the heart, it strengthens both the upper and the lower body and it burns a lot of calories in a short amount of time. Sure, you are putting some very direct and heavy stress on your knees, ankles, and hips, but when done properly jumping rope is actually a lower-impact activity than running (and the force placed on the knees while running is as much as three times more than when walking).

The same as when you start any intense workout regime, you may want to check with your doctor especially if you have doubts about your body’s ability to handle the repeated impact. Like I mentioned earlier, shoes and surface are important to consider, and of course don’t forget that a good warm up, cool down, as well as stretching and foam rolling are also important. If you follow these guidelines and always listen to your body, you will be jumping your way to a fitter and springier you in no time.

For more jumping info, rope tips, and to join the bouncing conversation, head over to Facebook.com/GetFitGuy or twitter.com/getfitguy. Also don't forget to subscribe to the Get-Fit Guy podcast on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, SoundCloud, Spotify, Google Play or via RSS.

How Does Sand Get Its Color?

Whether it’s white, black, pink, red, or even green, the color of sand provides clues as to its makeup and offers a peek into the beach’s history. The color of sand can tell stories of past human activity and can even reveal what kind of sea creatures call that beach home.

Sand’s color is derived from its mineralogy, or the physical structure of the crystals that populate the sand. These minerals can come from erosion of nearby landscape, volcanic eruptions, and even the grounding up of sea shells over decades, so the color and content of sand reflect the makeup of the surrounding landscape and even the beach’s inhabitants.

So how do sand beaches around the world get their colors? Let’s take a look at how some of the world’s most colorful beaches came to be.

What Causes Sand to Be White?

White sand beaches are some of the most striking to look at, so striking in fact you’ll need to wear sunglasses to withstand the glare. Hyams Beach in New South Wales, Australia, is on record as the whitest sand beach on Earth according to the Guiness Book of World Records. The sand owes its bright white color to the purity of its content which is mostly finely ground quartz crystals with a lack of contaminants that could dull its color. Clearwater Beach on the Florida barrier island between Tampa and the Gulf of Mexico and the beaches on Angaga Island in the Maldives also host strikingly white sand beaches composed of a finely ground powder of quartz.

What Causes Sand to Be Red?

Red sand beaches, like those that cover much of Prince Edward Island in Canada, including Cavendish Beach, derive their color from iron-rich minerals. When iron comes into contact with oxygen it forms iron oxide or what we more familiarly call rust. This oxidation leaves the minerals looking different shades of red and is the same process at work in the rust-colored, iron-rich dust on Mars.

A volcanic cinder cone, a simple, single-vent volcano, surrounds the Kaihalulu Beach in Maui supplying it with iron-rich minerals and thus red sand. Similarly, the iron-rich black and red lava rocks have produced the Kokkini Beach, known as Red Sand Beach, nestled into the base of the nearby volcanic cliffs of Santorini, Greece.

What Causes Sand to Be Orange?

Minerals high in iron can also produce sand with an orange hue as seen on the beaches of Ramla Bay in Gozo, Malta, and in Porto Covo, Portugal. Similarly, the orange sands in Porto Ferro in Sardinia, Italy, come from a combination of orange limestone, crushed shells, and volcanic deposits.

What Causes Sand to Be Pink?

When a beach has pink sand, some form of coral is usually nearby. The shade of pink usually reveals a mixture of white sand with red shells or calcium carbonate from coral and thus can range from pastel to deeper pinks. The famous pink sand beaches on Harbour Island in the Bahamas are composed of ground up foraminifera, a single-celled marine organism with a red-colored shell. The beaches in Balos, Crete, also get their pink hue from crushed shells. In Tangis Beach in Indonesia and the Rangiroa Atoll in French Polynesia, white sand is mixed with red coral to produce pink sand.

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What Causes Sand to Be Purple?

The Pfeiffer Beach tucked between the ocean and the Los Padres National Forest in Big Sur, California, boasts unusual purple-hued sand. The sand gets its color from a mineral called manganese garnet which is found in the hills that surround the beach. Rain in the area causes erosion which washes the manganese garnet down toward the ocean. The beach is not uniformly purple and the erosion runoff can create swirled patterns of colored sand. To see the beach at its most purple, visit just after a winter storm has sped up the erosion process.

Large swatches of purple sand are also found on Plum Island Beach off the eastern coast of the United States. On Plum Island, home to seals, raptors, and snowy owls, the purple sand results from a mixture of fine grain pink sand with darker grains. The pink sand crystals are mostly made of almandine-pyrope garnet, a common mineral derived from metamorphic rocks in the area. Some of the darker grains even include green epidote, another mineral common in metamorphic rock.

What Causes Sand to Be Black?

Black sand beaches, like Punalu’u Beach in Hawaii, get their color from basalt, a common igneous rock that forms as lava cools. In Hawaii, underwater volcanic vents spew magma which cools rapidly when it meets the ocean water. The resulting chunks of basalt then wash up on shore to cover the beach in grains of black sand.

If you are looking for more than one color in your beach sand, the Rainbow Beach in Queensland, Australia.

Past volcanic activity has also created the Black Sand Beach in Vik, Iceland, and the Muriwai Black Sand Beach in Auckland, New Zealand, thanks to a mixture of basalt deposits, iron, titanium, and other volcanic material. The black sand on Playa Negra in Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica, also has the fun, added quality of being magnetic thanks to its iron content.

What Causes Sand to Be Green?

The mineral olivine is responsible for the beautiful but rare green sand beaches, like Papakolea Beach on the big island of Hawaii. Olivine is another mineral that, like basalt, forms as lava cools. The olivine at Papakolea was deposited there by the Pu’u Mahana cinder cone, part of a now-dormant volcano whose magma was rich in olivine. The clash of hot lava and cold ocean water also produce the olivine-rich green sand beaches in Kourou, French Guiana.

If you are looking for more than one color in your beach sand, the Rainbow Beach in Queensland, Australia, offers sand with what some say are more than 70 different colors derived from erosion of nearby, multi-colored cliffs. And not all sand colors are natural in origin. Two beaches known as Glass Beach, one along the southern shore of Kauai and the other near Fort Bragg, California, also boast a rainbow of colors but are entirely human-made. The multi-colored sea glass that makes up the “sand” on both beaches may be gorgeous to look at but comes from glass pulled out to sea from industrial-sized garbage dumps nearby and smoothed by ocean waves over decades.

Until next time, this is Sabrina Stierwalt with Everyday Einstein’s Quick and Dirty Tips for helping you make sense of science. You can become a fan of Everyday Einstein on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, where I’m @QDTeinstein. If you have a question that you’d like to see on a future episode, send me an email at everydayeinstein@quickanddirtytips.com.

Image courtesy of shutterstock.

Forget Multitasking! How to Get Things Done with Parallelism

It causes me great anguish to admit it, but sometimes you can’t work less and get more done. Some things just take a certain amount of work. If you’re making lemonade out of all the lemons that life handed you, you just have to squeeze a lot of lemons. No matter how smart you work, life simply demands that you squeeze all those lemons. Completely. Even if you’re allergic to lemons and they make you sneeze. Life can be cruel.

Even though there’s no real way to work smarter, you might be able to work faster. You do that by finding ways to do things in parallel.

Parallelism: Do Something While Pregnant

Doing things in parallel means doing two things at the same time. Not actually at the exact same time, that would be multitasking, and thanks to the fine scientists at Stanford, we’ve known for almost ten years that multitasking fries your brain and turns you into a semi-coherent vegetable.

Doing things in parallel means that progress is being made on two parts of a project at once. 

Consider babies. It takes nine months to make one of those. And no matter how hard you try, it still takes pretty much nine months. (So if you want one, you better get started. And won’t your shmoopie just cry and cry when you tell them the news! And I’m sure they’re tears of joy. What else would they be?)

But while you (or shmoopie, or your surrogate, or your test tube) are busy growing a baby, it all kinda happens automatically. While baby is growing and forming and starting to become a living, breathing being that will someday be a teenager and blame you for all its problems, you can spend your time knitting exciting clothes for baby, finishing your dissertation, and orchestrating the world’s first version of Bach’s toccata and fugue in D minor for strings and didgeridoo. And that’s parallelism: you’re making a baby over the same span of time as you’re making clothes, a PhD, and a musical masterpiece.

So how do you do parallelism?

Make Things Parallel by Automating

Sometimes you can use automation to make things go parallel. If you run an online business and do email marketing, sending out an email blast can take a few hours. That becomes a few hours you can use to work on something else. Yet work is still getting done because the automated stuff happens at the same time as the manual stuff.

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Make Things Parallel by Delegating

Automating is really just a special kind of delegating, and delegating is the ultimate parallelism. When you find part of a task that can be done by someone else, delegate it to them. Then while they’re working, you can do other things.

The Wicked Witch of the West was an expert at delegating. She had an entire army of flying monkeys, and she knew how to use them. While they were hunting Dorothy and the Ruby Slippers, the Wicked Witch herself could be busy putting in place her plans to overthrow the Wizard. If she’d had to hunt down Dorothy, and then start planning her political career, it would have taken much longer.

If you need to prepare for a presentation, if you have minions, you can make great use of parallelism. Give your minions a rough sketch of the slides you need, and instructions to finish the slides (or be covered in honey and chained in the flying monkey feeding pens). While your minions are working so very, very hard to finish the slides, you can be rehearsing your presentation in the mirror, and admiring how wonderful you look in your…unique…naugahyde outfit.

You’ll be ready for the presentation far faster than if you’d done the slides yourself. 

Make Things Parallel by Waiting for Others

You can also find opportunities for parallelism any time you’ll have to wait for other people. When you’re making focaccia from scratch, for example, you know in advance that at some point you’ll have to wait for the yeast to do their job and make the dough rise. You can plan to start preparing your toppings while the yeast is working. If you sequenced the bread making and the topping preparation, you’d be in the kitchen forever. And you’d smell like yeast.

You don’t have to get pregnant to enjoy the benefits of working in parallel.

Product manager Xris is launching a new line of autonomous killer drone kits for tots. It’s a very American toy. Xris knows the graphic design department takes a week to design packaging. Getting realistic looking shades of red is always tricky. So Xris finds work that doesn’t require the graphic design department, and schedules it while the designers are busily hunting down the perfect reference for their desired shade of red.

Find Parallelism in Your Daily Life

Now, it’s your turn to find parallelism in your own life and job. Choose a major multi-day or multi-week project on your plate. List the major subtasks that have to be done in that project. 

Next, look for chances to work in parallel. Can some tasks be automated? Can some be delegated? Do some naturally include waiting for others?

When you’ve found your parallel opportunities, work them into your schedule. Start the parallel tasks together, so your machine, your minions, or your colleagues can be working away while you are, too.

You don’t have to get pregnant to enjoy the benefits of working in parallel. You can work faster by having things happen at the same time. When life gives you lemons, distribute them to a dozen minions to start squeezing. You’ll get 12 minion-hours worth of lemon juice in a single hour, and that’s nothing to sneeze at. 

I’m Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. Want great keynote speeches on productivity, Living an Extraordinary Life, or entrepreneurship? Hire me! Find me at http://SteverRobbins.com. 

Image of man using parallelism © Shutterstock

5 Ways to Cope When You Can’t Stand Your Kid’s Friends

When I was struggling with infertility and dreaming of becoming a mom, I promised myself I’d welcome everything and anything that parenting entailed—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Twenty-some years and eight kids later, I got what I asked for (and then some!) and have truly never looked back.

One aspect of parenting I hadn’t thought much about were the friendships my kids would make throughout their childhood. I was more focused on embracing their newborn days, celebrating milestones like talking and walking, their first day of school, what type of students they would be (brilliant, of course!), and how I would treasure cheering them on at spelling bees, school concerts, and sporting events. I completely overlooked the monumental impact that their neighborhood, community, and school friends would have on their (and my) everyday lives.

But that all changed the moment we started mingling with their young friends in places like the park or playground. And once they began attending nursery school and kindergarten, I learned quickly that playdates would become extremely important and almost as much of a staple in their lives as their favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Friendships, I learned quickly, would be the center of much of their universe, and therefore would also become an important piece of my parenting world. Childhood friendships ebb and flow into our kid’s lives as they grow and mature. My children have been fortunate to make some wonderful, long-lasting relationships through the years, as well as acquaintances that were either temporary or that they outgrew for various reasons. My kid’s friendships are an extension of their lives, and it’s comforting to know they have special connections with people who make them laugh, spur them on when life hands them lemons, enjoy their company, and can share their deepest secrets with.

It really is a great feeling to know your kids have good friends surrounding them until you meet one that you don’t like at all. So now what?

We can’t necessarily choose our kid’s friends, especially as they get older and become more independent in their tween and teen years, but we can choose how we’re going to handle how we react to these friendships. Here are five friendly ways to cope when you simply don’t like who your child is hanging out with.

1. Ask Yourself: "Why the Dislike?"
2. Keep Your Opinion to Yourself
3. Get to Know the Kid
4. Think Down the Line
5. Intervene when Necessary 

Let's explore these tactics a little deeper. 

1. Ask Yourself: "Why the Dislike?"

Your daughter recently introduced a new friend to the mix and although you politely interacted with her as they did homework at the kitchen island, you secretly hoped this would be the first and last time she ever hung out with your kid again. Sometimes it’s a gut reaction, a little inner-gnaw that tells you there’s something about this budding friendship that just doesn’t feel right. It’s important to listen to your intuition, but it’s also best not to be too judgmental without exploring things a little further.

Be honest with yourself—is it her mother, who happens to be a bit of a bossy pants in the PTA meetings and someone you really don’t like, therefore you figure this girl will be pushy with your daughter? Is it her mop of red tresses that turns you off (a reminder of your husband’s college sweetheart)? Did she not say thank you when you served her those homemade cookies warm from the oven? Allow the kid a chance if it’s a reason that might be petty on your part.

If you feel it’s more than that, however, you’ll need to monitor the blossoming friendship a bit more closely so that you can coach your child appropriately if the relationship needs to be distanced a bit or even nipped in the bud.

2. Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

If after you’ve done a little soul-searching you still don’t like the friend, play it cool with your child and don’t prattle on about how much you can’t stand him. Obviously, this is all factored into age-appropriate relationships. If your three-year-old is new to a neighborhood playgroup, and there’s one kid in the bunch that you have a dislike for, there’s no need to go to extremes. Let your child hang out with others in that group individually, or limit his interactions to only that playgroup setting without encouraging further bonding time with that particular child outside of that timeframe.

But when we’re talking about your 10-year-old son’s new buddy on the baseball team that makes your skin crawl, keep your opinions to yourself. The last thing you want to do is verbally berate another person that your child values as a friend. If the situation warrants a discussion, however, you can plant seeds for your son to think about. For example, if his new teammate purposely hits your kid with the ball when he’s pitching to him in your backyard, then calls him a wuss because your son flinches at the 40 MPH whack, you might say to your son, “It seems as though your new friend David likes to pitch. He must be working on his aim because you seemed to take a lot of balls to your wrist and knees for nearly every ball he threw. Some of those had to hurt. Maybe a batting cage would be safer the next time you two get together.”

Your son is smart enough to know David was not playing fair, but instead of you berating the kid’s behavior, you got your point across. Now your kid can think about how he can handle it on his own.

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3. Get to Know the Kid

As much as you might loathe this suggestion, sometimes you really do need to give a child you don’t like the benefit of the doubt. Get to know her a little better before you make your final decision that pigs will fly before you ever like her. This is usually my first tactic when I’m not crazy about one of my kid’s friends, and with eight kids, I’ll fess up now—there have been a handful of their friends that have totally turned me off. But I’ll also tell you that when I’ve been open-minded and tried to get to know some of these “pills” I’ve honestly found that I could like them.

Just last year, I volunteered to drive the baseball carpool for my son’s Jr. High team several nights a week. Truthfully I enjoy doing this for the very reason that I do get to know my kid’s friends because we’re in the car together a couple of hours each week. Even though they primarily interact with one another, it’s a prime opportunity to quietly observe them. There was one young man who never said "hi," "thank you," or "goodbye" as he entered and left my car. He was always the first one in and the last one dropped off, so I thought maybe he was just uncomfortable being the only one in the car with an adult he didn’t know very well. After a couple of weeks, I was tired of what I considered rude behavior so I decided to try and interact with him.

Since he was the first kid in the car, I asked him if he could help me move some groceries to the very back to make room for the other kids. He did it without hesitation so I praised him and then went back to my “pretend” listening to the radio. For the next few rides I specifically asked him for help with various things, including if he’d run into the store and get some milk (my own son was in the car mind you) and little by little he came out of his shell and started talking to me about school, his dog, and other random topics. More times than not, when I take the time to communicate and interact with the friends I’m not in favor of, I find I can like enough about them to feel good about the friendship.

4. Think Down the Line

One of the constants we can count on in life is change. This is certainly the case with friendships, especially among growing children. Today your daughter might be crazy about Taylor Swift and all things pink, next week she’ll be abhorred by anything pastel and is on to Ed Sheeran. Friendships will also come and go during these complex adolescent years. Don’t panic if your 6th grader has a friend that cracks  her knuckles all day long and spews sarcasm every time the wind blows. Sometimes you just have to weather the “bad friendship” storm and realize that this too shall pass, and the chances that the friendship will last well into their college years are probably slim to none.

5. Intervene When Necessary

If you decide the dislike you feel towards your child’s friend is more than just a personality clash or an aversion to the way he belches every time he opens his mouth, it may be time for some parental intervention, particularly if your child is starting to get into trouble when they are hanging out together or his grades are sliding. The most effective tool I’ve come across when addressing a peer with questionabl influence is to have a heart-to-heart conversation with my child. The timing of this talk is just as important as what will be discussed. Tackling something like this is best done when both of you (or all three of you if your partner is part of the discussion) are not ornery and tired or emotional. If you’ve just learned of an incident that involved your child and this friend, let some time pass for cooler heads to prevail. A calm demeanor when talking about something that could become confrontational is key.    

In addition to the timing of your exchange, how you present your concerns is equally important. James Lehman, MSW writes that you should be clear that you don’t like the behavior of your child’s friend and give specific examples. In his article on children and their "toxic" friends he uses the example of a teenager hanging out with kids who smoke pot. Instead of badmouthing the friends and labeling them potheads, he suggests saying, “I don’t like that your buddies all use drugs because I don’t want you using drugs. I don’t think it’s good for you.” Keep it simple and direct.

I completely agree with Mr. Lehman’s advice. My son hooked up with a group of kids who were often caught drinking alcohol. At the time he was just 16 years old. Several of these kids were actually quite likeable, but they used that to their advantage to schmooze with parents. We told our son that underage drinking was just not acceptable, and we wouldn’t condone his hanging out with any friends, regardless of who they were. We made this situation a zero-tolerance policy and squelched the relationship with this group immediately.

How do you respond when you don’t like one of your kid’s friends? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT

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How to Stop Feeling Inadequate

Each of us has someone in our life who makes us feel as invalid as an expired coupon. All too often, that person is our very own self, but sometimes it’s a parent, a partner, or a friend.

Listener Serina in Australia emailed and asked what to do about a person in her life who makes her feel inadequate. Specifically, she described a co-worker who one-ups her at every turn. For example, when Serina wished aloud that she were brave enough to go bungee jumping, her colleague immediately reminisced about skydiving. When Serina celebrated attaining her psychology degree, her colleague rubbed in that she’s working on her PhD. The examples go on and on and leave Serina feeling hopelessly inadequate.

Every one of us can identify with Serina on some level. Snuggly couples pop out from every corner whenever we feel lonely. Ridiculously attractive people seem to follow us whenever we have a bad hair day. We rejoice at passing the exam, but feel deflated as the girl next to us is handed a big ‘A+.’ We sigh as we park our years-old Corolla between a Porsche and a Land Rover. What to do when life leaves you feeling as invalid as a forgotten username? Here are six ways to check your connection and try again.

Tip #1: Trust that everyone has their stuff.

For Serina, I’ll bet you my last box of Thin Mints that her co-worker feels deeply inadequate herself. True adequacy doesn’t feel the need to advertise.

While we can’t know if Serina’s co-worker is searching for affirmation, trying to build herself up by tearing Serina down, or is simply a knee-jerk show-off, we can know that her life isn’t perfect. How do I know for sure? Because she’s human.

Insecurity is part of the human condition. In fact, it’s necessary: a healthy dose of self-doubt helps us monitor ourselves and our behavior, is necessary to spark introspection, and motivates us to grow and change. We doubt ourselves so we can check ourselves, which allows us to get along better with our fellow humans and ultimately keeps the species going. Not only is insecurity part of the human condition, but a total lack of insecurity is actually a sign of things gone wrong. (I’m looking at you, psychopaths and narcissists.)

Tip #2: Add “yet.”

Dr. Carol Dweck of Stanford University is known the world over for her research on mindset. She delivered a TedX talk in which she describes a high school in Chicago that gives students who don’t manage to pass a class the grade “Not Yet.” What does this do? Most importantly, it shifts the focus from a fixed mindset—the idea that your basic qualities are static and unchangeable—to that of a growth mindset, which proposes that your talents can be developed. This shift from outcome to process implies eventual success, and in the meantime, focuses on effort, strategy, resilience, and perseverance.

For your own endeavors, rather than labeling a project or a process a failure: I haven’t lost those last ten pounds, I can’t manage to sustain a meditation practice, I don’t have my dream job—tack on the word “yet.” I haven’t lost those last ten pounds yet, I can’t manage to sustain a meditation practice yet, I don’t have my dream job yet. Believing you can improve, rather than being stuck with cards you were dealt, makes all the difference.

Tip #3: Broaden your scope.

Pop culture would have us believe that adequacy comes from one of only a few areas: financial success, fame, career achievement, relationship bliss, or physical appearance. We narrow our own vision accordingly and feel hopelessly inadequate if we’re not rich, famous, powerful, in love, or hot.

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But these mainstays of pop culture and internet gurus are narrow and, truth be told, misguided. A good life comes from so much more: having integrity, being curious, a hunger to learn, doing things you love, speaking the truth, and most of all, creating and maintaining warm and loving relationships with friends and family. Don’t get me wrong—enjoy pop culture and internet gurus for what they’re worth, but don’t rely on them to tell you what makes you worthy.

Tip #4: Beware contingent self-esteem.

A term called contingent self-esteem is the tendency to change one’s self-evaluation based on feedback. It’s the most fragile form of self-esteem, as it is controlled by others and requires meeting their standards in order to earn value or worth as a person.

Contingent self-esteem doesn’t just create a shaky foundation for self-image; it puts our very health at risk. In a 2017 paper, two researchers from Stockholm University examined 122 participants and found that those diagnosed with exhaustion, cardiac issues, or immunological disease scored significantly higher on measures of contingent self-esteem than healthy controls.

Tip #5: Give your best self a rest.

Despite what every magazine cover would have us believe, it’s perfectly okay not to be your “best” self all the time. Too often, we want people to like us or want to come across as having it all together, so we end up trying too hard. But in pushing so hard to be our “best,” we subtly tell ourselves that being just as we are is insufficient. The solution? It’s okay not to push your best self out on stage all the time. Instead, just be your self.

Tip #6: Remember that perfection is boring.

It’s easy to feel intimidated and inadequate compared to people with seemingly perfect lives. But have you ever walked into a “perfectly” decorated room? They’re soulless and boring, like a hotel lobby or a furniture showroom. They’re the last place you’d want to kick off your shoes, put your feet up, and have a few belly laughs with buddies.

People who advertise their seemingly perfect lives are similar: a mix of intimidating and oddly boring. When something is perfect, it means there’s nowhere else to go. Things are finished. The story is over. And how boring is that?

Much better to be a work in progress, to let some of the crazy hang out, or, best of all, to add “yet” to your unfinished dreams.

Pre-order Ellen's forthcoming book HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Get even more savvy tips to be happier and healthier by subscribing to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, or get each episode delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the newsletter. Follow on Facebook and Twitter.

For free, helpful downloads to fight social anxiety and be your authentic self, visit EllenHendriksen.com.

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