The Future of Mental Healthcare: Meet the New Savvy Psychologist

Charles Darwin once said: “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Adaptability is what allows us to renew and grow. And I’m excited for today's special episode, because it’s one that heralds renewal and growth for the Savvy Psychologist podcast.

As you may have heard from last week’s episode, this will be my last time hosting the show. I’ve treasured my two years at the Savvy Psychologist, sharing my passion (and hopefully some wisdom) with you. I’ve learned so much in the process, not the least from your thoughtful questions and feedback. And for this, I am very grateful!

I’m also grateful for my special guest today, who will be your next Savvy Psychologist, because her incredible personal and professional experiences will make this show go deeper than it’s ever gone before.

Dr. Monica Johnson is a clinical psychologist and owner of Kind Mind Psychology, a private practice in NYC that specializes in evidenced-based approaches to treating a wide range of mental health issues (e.g. depression, anxiety, trauma, and personality disorders). Additionally, she has a focus on working with marginalized groups of people including BIPOC, LGBTQ+, and alternative lifestyles. She has co-authored a book for professionals on addressing race-based stress in therapy, and regularly speaks and teaches on this subject. She currently lives in Manhattan where she indulges in horror movies, sarcasm, and intentional introversion.

Dr. Johnson and I sat down to an interview about her path as a psychologist (and human), her favorite psychological concepts, and her conception of the future of mental health. Below is an abbreviated transcript of our conversation:

Savvy Psychologist: How did you decide to become a psychologist? What drew you to this work?

Dr. Monica Johnson: I decided to become a psychologist when I was 12 years old. It’s well documented in my journals from that time period. I grew up in poverty in the South in a single parent household. I am the only person in my family to even think about going to college. I faced significant obstacles and adversity given my circumstances, but I was also aware that I was resilient. I wasn’t aware of that term at the time, but if you read my journal entry, I spoke about recognizing that I was strong and wanting to impart that strength onto others almost through osmosis. It was important to me that people had the knowledge that they weren't alone and they had...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

The Best Stories from 15 Years of Grammar Girl

When I jotted some ideas down on a napkin in a coffee shop called The Kind Grind on the beach in Santa Cruz, California, I never thought I'd be doing it this long or even that Grammar Girl would become my full-time job. I am so grateful to all of you because the fact that you listen makes everything I do possible.

To celebrate, I'm going to take you on a quick tour of some of my very favorite stories from over the years and some of the best tips—the ones I use myself in real-life when I'm writing.

Harbinger

One of my most favorite stories is the origin of the word "harbinger" —something that warns of a future event—because it led me to discover that there used to be a royal position called "the Knight Harbinger" who set up accommodations for the royal household when they traveled, and (even more fun) there was also a Keeper of the Barges and a Keeper of the Swans—the swans! Imagine that being your job. I still think about this all the time.

Ghost words

Another favorite story comes from the episode on ghost words; words that only made it into dictionaries by accident and therefore are said to have "no real existence." The one that always makes me laugh is "dord" which was supposed to be "D or d," (capital D or lowercase d) the abbreviation for "density," but somebody misread it and ran all the letters together into a word. It sounds so funny: "dord." I love it!

'Historic' versus 'historical'

One of the more straightforward tips I use all the time in my own writing is remembering the difference between "historic" and "historical" by thinking of that "al" on the end of "historical" as standing for "all things" because all old things are historical. It's only important things that are historic.

How to spell 'bureaucracy'

Another of my favorites that I use all the time is how to remember to spell "bureaucracy"—a word many people tell me they struggle with. This is a weird tip, but it works for me. I think of a burrow, sitting behind a desk, tapping perfume behind its ears. The first three letters of "bureaucracy" are "bur" like in burrow. The next three letters are "eau," like perfume—eau de office carpet—and I can remember the "cracy" part on my own. Burrow,...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

8 Awesome Google Chrome Shortcuts to Save You Time

Learning keyboard shortcuts is a great way to go from a computer user to a computer pro. These keyboard shortcuts will make you look like a wizard as you navigate the internet without hunting and pecking with a mouse. It may not seem like it, but just commit a few of these shortcuts to memory and I promise you’ll see a change in you web browsing capabilities. Just like anything: practice practice practice!

As a quick note, I’ll be mentioning control keys. On a windows keyboard, these will be on the bottom right and the bottom left and will be abbreviated as “ctrl.” For a Mac keyboard, the key will be called “command.” These two keys are interchangeable for the shortcuts we’re going to cover.

Open Links in New Tab

Control+ or Command+ Click

If you click on a link while holding the control key, it will open up that link in a new tab. I use this shortcut while doing research. I’ll read a page and control click every link that might be helpful and continue to read. This opens up everything I click on in a new tab. This is great because when I’m doing reading the page I’m on I simply close that tab and move on to the next.

It’s a great way to queue up content for reading and researching.

Find text on page

Control+ or Command+ F

This one may seem like a no brainer but it’s incredibly helpful. Pressing control and the “f” key will bring up a small search box that will allow you to search for text on a page. This prevents you from having to scan an entire webpage for the information that you’re looking for.

The awesome thing about chrome though is that on the right hand side where the scroll bar is, you’ll see a little tick mark noting where that text was found in the page. This can be useful when looking through long Wikipedia pages. If you see a lot of tick marks close together you can be pretty sure that that portion of the page probably has the information that you’re looking for.

Enlarge/Shrink Page

Control+ or Command+ +/-

Sometimes when cruising the internet, there will be a website that has some really small text on it. This might be the comments on a blog, text in one of those agreements we all click through, or maybe the fine print of a document. If you use control and the “+” key, the page will be magnified. You can continue pressing it to magnify the page more. To get back to normal or zoom out, simply press control and the “-“ key.

I use this a lot when browsing the internet with my parents or grandparents, or when I’ve...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

The Americans Arrive in Berlin

Frank “Howlin’ Mad” Howley was stationed one hundred miles to the southwest of Berlin when he was given the green light to head to the German capital. His mission was for reconnaissance purposes: to reconnoiter the districts of the city assigned to the Americans and prepare for the arrival of the First Airborne and Second Armored Division troops.

It was June 17, and Howley was firing on all cylinders. Seven weeks after the Russians took control of the city, the Americans were finally moving into their sector.

Howley knew he would be writing himself into the history books. He also knew that this had been the dream of every soldier since the D-day landings.

Howley knew he would be writing himself into the history books. He also knew that this had been the dream of every soldier since the D-day landings. To mark the occasion, he vowed to arrive in such style that his Russian allies would remember it for the rest of their lives. “It was my intention,” he said, “to make this advance party a spectacular thing.”

His team had expanded greatly since their time in Barbizon. It now comprised some five hundred people, including intelligence officers, logistics experts, and secretarial support. He had also acquired 120 vehicles, mostly jeeps, half-tracks, and ten-ton trucks.

Howley decided to abandon all the vehicles requisitioned from the Germans since most were covered in dents. “I didn’t want the Russians to see a miscellaneous collection of vehicles representing the American army.” His was to be an all-American convoy, and he ordered each jeep and truck to be scrubbed, polished, and touched up with paint. He also arranged to have several hundred American flags printed and placed in the windshield of each vehicle, along with canvas flags on the right front fender of each lead car.

Every convoy needs to be led from the front, and Howley’s was no exception. Riding in the vanguard of this proud unit was the colonel himself, driving his magnificent Horch Roadster.

The convoy was equipped with a supply lorry laden with ten thousand bottles of wine and whiskey to help them celebrate their historic arrival. Every convoy needs to be led from the front, and Howley’s was no exception. Riding in the vanguard of this proud unit was the colonel himself, driving his magnificent Horch Roadster. He was most impressed when the other vehicles swung into line behind him. “Quite a parade,” he mused, “with a company of the Second (‘Hell on Wheels’) Armored Division bringing up the rear and formal-looking machine guns bristling from the half-tracks.”

This great armored column fired its engines on the morning of June 17...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

What Is Impostor Syndrome?

What Is Impostor Syndrome?

Impostor Syndrome is a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite often overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  It strikes smart, successful individuals.  It often rears its head after an especially notable accomplishment, like admission to a prestigious university, public acclaim, winning an award, or earning a promotion. 

Impostor Syndrome doesn’t discriminate: people of every demographic suffer from feeling like a fraud, though minorities and women are hardest-hit.   

Impostor syndrome comes in 3 flavors:

Type #1: “I’m a fake.”

The fundamental fear is being discovered or unmasked.  Achievers often feel like they’ve made it thus far under wraps, but the day will come when their cover is blown and they will be revealed as a fake.

For example, Adelaide is a tenured professor at a prestigious university.  She is regarded as one of the leading researchers in her field and frequently travels to conferences and workshops, often in a leadership role.  Recently, Adelaide attended a high-powered meeting.  She remembers feeling intimidated as introductions took place in the book-lined, richly-paneled, high-ceilinged room.   Someone was introduced as an “esteemed professor.” Adelaide looked around and realized, with a start, they meant her.  “Internally, I was terrified,” she remembers.  “I just knew that everyone at that table knew what they were doing, had earned their place, and that a giant mistake had been made in inviting me.  I felt like any minute a spotlight would shine on me and I would be asked to leave.”

Not only accomplished professionals feel the sting. Take 18-year-old Don for example. He graduated high school at the top of his class and is headed off to an Ivy League university in the fall.  He’s terrified.  “I’m convinced the admissions department made a mistake.  That place is for geniuses, not for people like me.  I don’t belong there.”

Type #2: “I got lucky.” 

The second flavor of Impostor Syndrome attributes achievements to luck.  A twist on this is “I’m not smart/talented/gifted. I just work hard.”Take Gerald as an example. He is an investigative reporter for one of the last-standing well-regarded city newspapers.  He has cracked several national stories and numerous awards hang on the wall of his office.  Yet he says, “Every time a feature story goes to print, I’m convinced it will be the end of my career.  I got my other stories—and these honors—through sheer luck.  I was just in...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

What Every First-Time Homebuyer Should Know

Becoming a first-time homebuyer is exciting, but it’s a journey that you need to prepare for carefully so that it helps your financial life and doesn’t hurt it. Getting to the closing table involves many steps you should consider before you leap into homeownership.

This episode will cover 10 things every first-time homebuyer should know. You’ll learn how to prepare your finances, find the right mortgage, work with real estate pros, and even when to step back and wait to buy a home.

Here’s what you need to know to pave a smooth road to your new home. 

Tip #1: Credit is a critical factor for paying less

The first step in your journey toward homeownership should be checking your credit reports and correcting any errors. Mortgage lenders review your credit reports and one or more of your credit scores to evaluate you.

Good credit scores indicate that you’re more likely to repay a loan on time than if you have poor scores. They can make the difference between being approved or denied for a mortgage and the terms you get.

High credit scores allow you to get approved for a loan with a competitive interest rate, which can save you thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars over the life of your loan. 

High credit scores allow you to get approved for a loan with a competitive interest rate, which can save you thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars over the life of your loan.

Let’s say you have excellent credit, with a FICO score of 760 or higher. If you get a 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage of $250,000 with a 2.5% APR, you’ll pay just over $100,000 in interest over the life of the loan.

If you get the same loan but have a credit score of 659, you could end up paying close to $160,000 total. That means you spend $60,000 more on interest over the life of the loan. 

To get the best mortgage rate possible, check your credit reports from the three national credit bureaus: Equifax, Experian and TransUnion. You can get them at each of the bureaus’ websites or access all three at the official credit site, AnnualCreditReport.com. 

Once you receive your reports, look for errors, such as incorrect account balances, payment dates, or personal information. If you find any problems, dispute credit report errors on the credit bureau’s website. If there are incorrect account payments or balances, contact the creditor in writing to ask for a correction.

Since credit disputes can...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

15 Ways Vinegar Is a Secret Health and Beauty Hack

Get rid of greasy hair

Vinegar is not just for the kitchen; it gets grease out of oily hair! Simply shampoo your hair as usual, rinse, then pour ¼ cup vinegar over it and rinse again.

Hair color that lasts and lasts

To preserve that amazing color you got at the salon, rinse your hair regularly with white vinegar to seal the hair cuticle.

Fight foot fungus and odor

Let’s face it: No one likes to talk about it, but foot fungus happens. Before you head to the doctor, give this simple home remedy a try. Soak your feet in white vinegar once a day for a few days. If it doesn’t clear up, it’s time to seek professional help.

A vinegar bath will also help tackle foot odor.

Make your own dry shampoo

Between washes, vinegar can help revive hair. Add 1 teaspoon vinegar to 2 cups water in a spray bottle, and spritz onto your roots.

Bring back beautiful nails

If you have an unsightly nail fungus that makes you want to hide your hands or feet from view, you’ll love this tip. Soak your nails in a mixture of 1 cup vinegar and 2 cups warm water every day for 15 minutes. The acid in the vinegar will attack the fungus, leaving you with lovelier nails.

Take the sting out of jellyfish

The acid in vinegar can soothe the stinging and pain caused by jellyfish venom. Some research has found that it can actually prevent the release of more venom as well.

Be prepared by keeping a small container of vinegar in your beach bag.

Cool sunburned skin

To ease sunburn pain, rub vinegar on the affected area with a cotton ball or soft cloth.

Prevent swimmer’s ear

If you or your children are prone to swimmer’s ear, a bacterial infection of the ear canal, take this precaution when enjoying time in the pool, ocean, or lake: Dab a solution of 1 part vinegar and 5 parts warm water into each ear three times a day. The vinegar will ward off bacteria and keep ears pain-free.

Cheap and easy denture cleanser

Here’s an effective method for cleaning dentures that works just as well as the expensive tablets: Soak them overnight in a solution of one part white vinegar and one part water. The acidity of the vinegar fights tartar buildup and removes stains.

Stop a nosebleed fast!

Just dampen a cotton ball with vinegar and plug the nostril. The acetic acid in the vinegar cauterizes the wound.

Soften cuticles

Prep for manicures and pedicures by soaking your fingers and toes in a bowl of white vinegar for just 5 minutes.

If you plan on applying nail polish, prepping with vinegar may help the polish last longer.

Banish bruises

Are you one of those people who seems to get bruises...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Which Type of Rice Is Healthiest?

There are at least a dozen different types of rice to choose from at the grocery store: long-grain, short-grain, white, brown, basmati, instant, converted - whew! Which one is best?

Cooking with rice

There are fairly big differences between the various kinds of rice in terms of cooking times and the texture of the cooked rice. So, if you are cooking from a recipe, it’s important to pay attention to what kind of rice the recipe calls for. Substituting a different kind of rice can really change how a recipe comes out—not always in a good way.

The different types of rice

The different types of rice include the following:

• Short-grain rice is very starchy and cooks up soft and sticky. It’s used in things like sushi, paella, and risotto.
• Long-grain rice contains less starch so the cooked grains are drier and more separate. It’s often used in pilafs or dishes with a lot of sauce.
• Medium-grain, as you might expect, is somewhere in between.
• Jasmine and basmati are long-grain varieties that have been cultivated to bring out distinctive flavor profiles. They often turn up in Indian and Asian food.

All of these types of rice are availabe as either white or brown rice.  In each case, brown is the whole grain version, whereas white rice has been milled to remove the germ and bran.  Brown rice is a lot chewier and heartier than white rice and takes about twice as long to cook.

But we're not done yet!

You'll also find varieties of whole grain rice that aren't white or brown but rather red, purple, or black. These are special varieties of rice that are high in pigments called anthocyanins.  

And finally, you can also buy instant or converted rice. Both of these have been partially cooked and then dehydrated. If you’re using a pre-processed rice, it’s important to follow the preparation instructions on the package.

Here’s an article that talks more about the culinary properties and uses of different kinds of rice. But what about the nutritional aspects?

What are the nutritional differences in rice?

Because brown rice retains both the germ and the bran parts of the grain, it is higher in magnesium and other minerals. It also has more fiber. For example, a half cup of white long-grain rice contains less than one gram of fiber, whereas a half cup of brown rice contains 1.5 grams. As a point of reference, you’re shooting for between 25 and 30 grams of fiber each day. 

Although all rice is quite low in fat, brown rice has slightly more due to the fat content of the...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Meet the New Get-Fit Guy (Part 2)

As I said last week, this two-part episode will be the final times you will read my words and hear my voice as the Get-Fit Guy. But not before I conclude giving you a full introduction to your new Get-Fit Guy podcast host, Dr. Jonathan Su. 

Before we dive into the second half of my conversation with Jonathan, I want to let you know that if you enjoy and value what I bring to your fitness life, you can continue to follow me on my new podcast called Upgraded Fitness. In that show, I will continue to give my down-to-earth fitness advice and also interview experts in a longer form format. Plus, it makes a great companion show to Get-Fit Guy so you don’t have to choose between me or Jonathan! So, look for Upgraded Fitness where ever you listen to audio. 

The New Get-Fit Guy, Dr. Jonathan Su

Brock:

During your time as an officer in the U.S. Army, you served as a subject matter expert for injury prevention, rehabilitation, and human performance. Can you tell us more about “human performance” and how you develop that?

Jonathan:

Sure, so human performance is about being able to function at your potential in your arena of competition. In the Army, it was about helping soldiers win on the battlefield. For a triathlete, it may be about achieving a personal best race time. But you don't have to be a soldier or an athlete to make use of human performance concepts because they’re useful to anyone who wants to get fit.

For me, developing human performance is like baking a cake. The essential ingredients for this cake are: movement, nutrition, recovery, and mindset.  The trick is to combine these ingredients in the right amount at the right time, and just like how every oven is different so that your baking time at the same temperature may have to be slightly different, every person is also different in terms of genetics, body type, and movement experience, so a human performance program would ideally be customized.

Brock:

How does training “tactical athletes” fit into that (and what is a tactical athlete)?

Jonathan:

“Tactical athletes” are people with the physical and mental ability to function on the battlefield. It also refers to people such as fire and rescue, law enforcement, and other emergency personnel who have to perform in austere environments. Human performance training for tactical athletes is unique and challenging because unlike athletes in regular sports, you have to develop all components of fitness.

For example, a tactical athlete needs to have the speed and endurance of a marathon runner and the...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

How to Customize Your Career

Given the number of hours, the amount of energy, and the level of commitment we give to our work, we deserve to find fulfillment in our careers. Scott Anthony Barlow, host of the Happen to Your Career podcast, is here with some candid and actionable advice to serve you on your own journey. 

Barlow is a career coach having helped nearly 40,000 people define and discover their professional happiness. Below are some of the pointers he offered.

Listen to the full conversation on Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform, or just click the audio player above.

Seize the opportunity for change

Barlow has been getting calls from people wanting a change…yet paralyzed by fear. There is a pervasive worry that the traditional channels for resume submissions are overcrowded with applicants. So why bother?

Here’s why.

“The pandemic has created huge, huge, huge opportunities because the companies and organizations that have…adapted are now so much more open to different types of roles…There's a massive opportunity to not just respond to off-the-shelf type job ads, but instead to find the right organization, build a relationship with them, and have them create a role for you."

The pandemic has made us crafty and scrappy. So let's lean into that.

“The pandemic has created huge, huge, huge opportunities because companies and organizations...are now so much more open to different types of roles."

Begin with your ideal career profile

Barlow tells the story of his client, Laura, who had achieved great success in her career. She’d been promoted three times within a short window, and leadership at her company seemed invested in growing her further.

But, “it turned from a great situation to [one] where she found herself leading 20 people who were passionate about their work and she wasn't at all.” She was missing out on time with her daughter and had decided it just wasn’t worth the sacrifice.

So, the first step in Barlow's process for the next career step was to identify Laura's ideal career profile. You can do he same. Here's how:

• • Build a list of 20–30 potential organizations that might better suit you.
• • Make a detailed list of what you believe would create an ideal work situation for you – a set of hypotheses to test.
• • Have informal conversations with people in or near these organizations – to test your hypotheses.
• • These conversations will lead to building relationships, narrowing the field as you go (not all hypotheses prove true!)

Ultimately...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

The Best Way to Celebrate Is by Supporting Teachers

I was lucky to have great teachers from kindergarten through college who stoked my love of learning, reading, and writing. Learning something new and sharing it with others fills me with excitement—it makes my day—and I’m lucky again to be able to do that as an actual job through the Grammar Girl podcast, website, newsletter, courses, books, and more. 

Teachers who made a difference

So when it was time to celebrate the 15th anniversary of the podcast, I thought about ways I could give back, and I started thinking about teachers, especially my junior high and high school English teachers who taught me to write and do research (Mrs. Ross), who taught me to tell stories (Mrs. Hukari), and who taught me to love literature (Ms. Wolfe).

A year of intense challenges

I also thought about how much of a struggle the last 18 months have been for classroom teachers. I don’t know a single one who doesn’t get a little horrified shiver or have a disheartening story when you ask about it. But they also all think of their kids first. They miss their kids. They worry about their kids. They want the best for their kids. 

A way to support teachers

That’s why I love a non-profit called DonorsChoose where you can give to projects teachers have created asking for supplies for their classrooms—because I trust teachers to tell me what their students need to succeed.

DonorsChoose has fabulous filters that let you find a teacher in your hometown, a teacher at a school that serves low-income students, a teacher who specifically wants books, and more....

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Love People, Use Things: How Might Your Life be Better with Less?

“I grew up minimalist—it was called being poor.” If I had a tchotchke for every time I heard someone parrot this hackneyed line, I’d have a storage locker full of useless junk. I don’t know whether these naysayers are bad-faith cynics or they’re simply confusing poverty with minimalism, but either way, I find this line of thinking odd, especially since these same critics often claim that minimalism is only for wealthy people, or that it solves only First World problems, and so it’s not applicable to people who live below the poverty line. I’m not sure what to do with this kind of bipolar reasoning, so let’s address it from both sides to clear up any confusion.

We’ve already established that minimalism, at its core, involves using our limited resources intentionally. Who wouldn’t benefit from that? I, too, grew up poor, and so did Ryan, and we certainly weren’t minimalists, but we definitely would have benefited from being more deliberate with our (very) limited resources. In fact, my poor childhood self would have benefited even more than my supposedly rich adult self who stumbled into minimalism at twenty-eight. Ditto for Ryan.

But let’s set that aside for a moment. Let me pretend we don’t get frequent emails and letters and tweets from aspiring minimalists, from Kalamazoo to Kenya, who have next to nothing but who still struggle with desire and the ceaseless tug of consumerism. Let’s pretend that minimalism hasn’t helped those people like they say it has. And let’s pretend that minimalism solves only First World problems.

Okay.

Anyone who feels hollowed out by the endless pursuit of more can find a better life with less.

What’s wrong with that? Are the problems of the First World not worth solving? Are people with money not allowed to question their stuff? Are we supposed to alienate and divide people based on their income?

Look, minimalism isn’t for everyone—it’s for anyone who’s discontented by the status quo. It seems to me that 50 percent of the Western world isn’t bothered by consumerism and the excesses of modernity, and it’s not my place to convince them to jettison their stuff. But the remaining half of the population has a vast opportunity in front of them. Whether rich or poor, young or old, Black or white, man or woman, anyone who feels hollowed out by the endless pursuit of more can find a better life with less.

Final Thoughts on Money

Money isn’t everything, but it’s also not nothing. As a minimalist, I’m not opposed to having money—I’m opposed to having money problems. I won’t tell you how to live your life, but I exposed my...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Calm Your Nervous System to Calm Your Child

Did you know that during high-stress interactions with your child, your breathing pattern, your facial expressions, your voice, and your body influences your child’s physiological state and their sense of well being? That’s right, our emotions, behaviors, and the words we choose play a critical role in the level of fear, frustration, and stress that lie at the root of our kids' challenging behaviors. When we tune into our own physiological state, we can start to consciously de-escalate conflicts and increase connection.

It’s common for parents to focus on eliminating challenging behaviors without considering their underlying cause. Child development expert Dr. Mona Delahooke describes bad behaviors as the tip of an iceberg peeking out of the water. What you can’t see beneath the surface is a child’s internal perceptions and sensations, their thoughts, emotions, memories, ideas, and intentions. Other contributing factors not often considered are the child’s developmental capacities and cognitive abilities. So, looking below the surface of behaviors can give you clues to what’s going on for your child.

Searching for Safety

Dr. Stephen Porges describes the physiological underpinnings of challenging behaviors in his Polyvagal Theory. At all times, and without conscious awareness, parts of the brain are constantly scanning our internal, external, and interpersonal worlds for signs of safety, danger, and life threat. Based on the information it finds, it will send signals to our bodies to be in one of three states: social engagement, fight-or-flight defensiveness, or shutdown. Dr. Porges refers to this subconscious surveillance as neuroception, and while it evolved to keep us safe from predators, some people have faulty neuroception that leads to the perception of threat when there is none, or to the perception of safety in dangerous situations.

When your child detects a lack of safety in their environment, they go into survival mode and have a stress response in the form of self-protective behaviors like fighting, fleeing, or shutting down. Rather than focusing on eliminating the child's difficult behaviors, have compassion for their struggle, show acceptance, and turn up the volume on relational and emotional safety. This can help your child move from survival-mode back into socially-connected mode.

When your child detects a lack of safety in their environment, they go into survival mode and have a stress response in the form of self-protective behaviors like fighting, fleeing, or shutting down.

Let’s...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

How to Cultivate Self-Love

Before we get into today's tips on cultivating self-love, I have a bittersweet announcement to make: Next week's Savvy Psychologist episode will be my last one as the writer and host of this show. It's been an incredible experience to share evidence-based psychology tips with you every week for the past two years. I'm so grateful for such a dedicated and kind audience. The feedback I've received from you has inspired me, encouraged me, helped me grow, and made me more committed to furthering the science of mental health.

Although I'm leaving the show, I'm not stopping this work - I'm working on a book on insomnia that challenges our conventional ways of thinking about sleep and provides a practical blueprint for improving sleep without medications. If you've enjoyed listening to my episodes, I think you'll like the book, too. I'm excited to share more about it, so please make sure to follow me on social media and stay tuned for an announcement soon. 

Meanwhile, I'm thrilled that I'll get to introduce to you the next Savvy Psychologist in next week's episode. Here's a teaser: Dr. Monica Johnson is an experienced clinical psychologist and expert in numerous areas of mental health, including trauma, growth, sexuality, and race-based stress. Next week, I will interview her about the future of mental health and officially pass the torch to her as the new Savvy Psychologist. Please make sure you tune into next week's episode!

Now, let's talk about something eternally important: Self-love. 

Imagine if you have to spend the next 60 years stuck in an unbreakable relationship with someone. You have to go everywhere together, do everything together, and experience life’s every joy and pain together. Would you rather this be a person you love, someone who also loves you…or would you rather it be a just-tolerable coworker you’re stuck on a forever project with?

Now the twist: This person is yourself. After all, you have to spend everyday with you, for the rest of your life. You can either put up with yourself, occasionally being at odds or maybe even frequently irritated with this anchor. You could be dismissive towards yourself or even put yourself down, sowing doubt in your dreams or sabotaging your efforts to grow.

Or you could be affirming and encouraging and compassionate.

If given the choice, which relationship would you rather be in? And if it’s the loving one, how can you go about cultivating that love? Let’s explore a few good places to begin:

Self-Love Tip #1: Listen to your body

Our bodies are...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Mispronunciation: Why You Should Stop Correcting People’s Mistakes

A recent survey of 2,000 adults in the UK identified the top ten “mispronunciations” people find annoying. Thankfully the majority (65%) of annoyed people don't feel comfortable correcting a speaker in public.

But leaving aside the fact that 2,000 is hardly a representative sample of the UK, with its population of over 66 million, this survey raises longstanding linguistic questions: why do people pronounce words differently, why does pronunciation change, and why does so-called mispronunciation upset some people to the point of making it possible (and interesting) to compile a top ten list?

I’m a phonetician – an expert in the way people make speech sounds and pronounce language. I’ve also written about what we can learn about a person from the way they speak.

A universal truth about language is that it is subject to constant change – and pronunciation is just as likely to change over time as aspects like grammar or vocabulary.

How language changes

One criticism of speakers who pronounce nuclear (“NU-cle-ar”) as “nucular” is that it does not match the spelling. In fact, English is known for having some very irregular spelling-to-sound correspondences, so that argument doesn't always hold up. The most extreme cases are probably family and place names: the surname [that looks like] Featherstonehaugh can be pronounced to sound like “Fanshaw,” for example, while Torpenhow in Cumbria is pronounced “Trepenna.”

How did we get to those pronunciations? Through a process of gradual, historical language change. These changes could be the result of social interaction (“other people say it like this”), mishearings, spelling pronunciations, phonetic processes or the influence of other languages, among other things. Certainly, language change is inevitable, which is handy because it keeps us linguists in business and generates a lot of copy for newspapers and the like.

Let’s have a look at some of the pronunciations people objected to in that survey.

Espresso

“Espresso” is pronounced “expresso” by many people, even though there is no “x” in the spelling. This...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

'Stationery' Versus 'Stationary'

One difficult set of words is “stationery” and “stationary.” They are pronounced the same, but mean different things. They’re homophones.

You can trace both words back to the Latin word “stationarius,” which meant “without motion,” and in Latin, it seems to have been used to describe a military station.

‘Stationary’

It’s easy to see how a Latin word that meant “motionless” gives us the English word “stationary,” which essentially means the same thing: “not moving, fixed in one place, still” and so on. 

Almost every big gym has a row of stationary bikes.

You can remember the spelling of this word by thinking that when you are stationary, you are often standing. Since “standing” is also spelled with an A, the association can remind you to put the second A in “stationary.”

‘Stationery’

The story of how we get “stationery” is a little more interesting. 

In the Middle Ages, many villages and towns got goods from traveling peddlers, but as anyone who’s packed too many books on vacation knows, books and other paper products are heavy, so booksellers and people who sold other paper products usually sold them from a storefront—a stationary location, as in a location that didn’t move, a station. Then these sellers became known as “stationers.” Then by association, the products they sold, the stationers’ wares, became known as “stationery” with an E after the name of the people who ran the shops—the stationers.

And as a delightful aside, the Oxford English Dictionary describes a livery company of the City of London formed in the 1400s called the Worshipful Company of Stationers, which was essentially a guild of stationers, and it still exists today, but it’s now called The Stationers’ Company.

The Oxford English Dictionary also says Stationer (at the time spelled Staciner) was a surname in the late 1200s. If your last name is Stationer, it probably means one of your ancestors was a bookseller, printer, or bookbinder.

“Stationery,” with an E, is paper, usually paper you use for writing letters or notes, and  “stationery” is spelled with an E because it goes back to the stationers, the people who ran the shops. But if that doesn’t help you remember the proper spelling, here’s a simpler...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Grammar Quirks: W. Stone Cotter on Writers Who Are Cynical About Writing

Grammar Girl: What’s your favorite word and why?

W. Stone Cotter: For years it was "melancholy," a word which, when spoken, sounds as blue as its meaning, and also works well in sentences that feature a kind of sing-song meter. (One of my favorite books is Robert Burton's "Anatomy of Melancholy," a miscellany on depression published in 1621.) But lately, I like the word "oblivion," which is highly flexible, weirdly musical, works as a concrete object or an abstraction, and sounds cool as a zero-article term, especially at the end of a sentence: "Ginger exited the entrance ramp, and met with oblivion."

GG: What’s a word you dislike (either because it’s overused or misused) and why?

WSC: Any of the adjectival filler terms like "amazing," "incredible," "wonderful," etc. They've lost their real meanings through generalized overuse, which is a shame—they were all sound, utilitarian, narrowly defined words at one time. I try to edit them out of any sentences in which they want to be, but it's tough! They're so easy to fall back on, and I still find myself using these toothless words out of pure laziness.

GG: What word will you always misspell?

WSC: I really have to think about how to spell "necessary," and most of the time I'm obliged to look it up, including just now.

GG: What word (or semblance of a word) would you like to see added to the dictionary? Why?

WSC: I wish there was a word which means "homesick for a place one has never been." There might be some long compound word in German for this idea, but nothing in English that I know of. I can't even think of a passable coinage. "Wistical"? Nah. "Whencelonging"? No. "Hankerpining"? I don't think so. 

GG: Any grammar pet peeves we should know about?

WSC: When the word "disinterested" is used as a synonym for "uninterested." "Disinterested" means "impartial," and nothing else. Grrr.

GG: To what extent does grammar play a role in character development and voice?

WSC: It's everything! Especially in dialogue. I feel that I can construct a character more convincingly if I...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Berlin Turns Red

This episode deals with sexual assault. The descriptions of historic events may be triggering for some readers or listeners.

Soviet forces advanced with lightning speed since launching their offensive against Berlin in the third week of April. Two huge army groups were converging on the city from the south and east, while a third was wheeling in from the north.

On Friday, April 20, 1945, Hitler’s 56th birthday, Marshal Zhukov’s one-and-a-half-million-strong army had begun shelling the city center from its positions in the northern suburbs, while Marshal Ivan Konev’s forces were approaching the city’s southern outskirts. The Red Army had soon encircled the German forces that remained in the city, trapping the beleaguered defenders.

When the Russians finally arrived in the city center around April 28, they terrified the civilians who were cowering in their cellars. The door to the cellar in which the Schneider family was hiding was kicked open by a booted foot and, said young Helga Schneider, “We found ourselves face to face with six Russian soldiers, all aiming submachine guns at us.” Two of them had shaven heads, three wore fur caps, and one had black curly hair and a beard that came down over his chest. The soldier with the beard asked peremptorily: “Here soldaty germanskie?”

No one responded; they were too terrified.

“Soldaty germanskie?” the soldier repeated, this time with real menace in his voice.

Young Helga’s step-grandfather managed to stammer a reply: “No soldiers here.”

The Soviet infantryman looked furious. He spat out his response. “You lie! If soldaty germanskie here, you kaput!”

'War kaput!' screamed one of them. 'Hitler kaput!' He demanded the watches of everyone in the room. 'You give urri or you kaput!'

The six soldiers pointed their submachine guns at the assembled group. “War kaput!” screamed one of them. “Hitler kaput!” He demanded the watches of everyone in the room. “You give urri or you kaput!”

Everyone handed over their watches, and then the soldiers left.

But shortly afterward, two very different Soviet soldiers burst into the cellar. Drunk and heavily armed, they snarled at the terrified occupants before turning to the two teenage girls, sixteen-year-old Gudrun and fourteen-year-old Erika. “You, Fräulein! You gut! You come with me!”

Gudrun’s mother protested and was kicked in the stomach. Erika’s mother begged to take her daughter’s place and was beaten unconscious.

Young Helga Schneider buried her face in a jacket...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

How to Handle a No-Show

A loyal Modern Manners Guy reader emailed me recently about a client who pulled a no-show for a scheduled meeting.  My listener skipped dinner with her husband and stayed extra late at the office just to accommodate said client’s “busy schedule.” Yet when the big day came, the client bailed without a call, text, or email. Needless to say, my listener was extremely upset. Well, she used a more colorful word, but we'll go with upset here.

Call it an inability to commit or a lack of maturity, but when you tell someone you’re going to be somewhere, and then don’t show up, you stand to lose tons of respect. Period.  I understand that unexpected things happen, but there is no excuse (with all the technology avilable to us today) for not letting your colleague know that you need to reschedule — this goes for both personal and professional meetings.

If something important and unavoidable does come up, there is no excuse for not letting your colleagues know that you need to reschedule. 

I spoke about a similar issue in the article, What to Do if You’re Stood Up, where I gave 3 tips on how to handle being stood up. However, today, I’m going to discuss 3 tips on how you should react when the immature person who stood you up calls you back…hopefully to grovel:

Tip #1: Be Stern  

Some people assume that being mannerly means you have to keep your mouth shut and smile pretty at all times. Not true! Just because you don’t want to curse or throw things, does not mean you need to be walked all over. Being mannerly allows you to be witty, sharp, and make yourself understood using your brain, not your brawn.

Never be afraid to stand up for yourself and let the no-show know that your time is too valuable to waste.

So when the no-show calls you back with a lame excuse, don’t be afraid to tell them exactly what you're thinking. Just don’t lose your temper. Doing that weakens your argument. If it was a professional engagement,you could try something like “We made these plans 3 weeks ago and confirmed them the day before. I know you have a phone. I would have appreciated some form of contact to let me know you would not be arriving so that I could make alternative plans.”

Tip #2: Don’t Be Quick to Reschedule 

Time heals all wounds, right?  When the no-show calls you back to give an excuse about why they couldn't make it, they will most likely...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Are You Eligible for Advance Child Tax Credit?

You've probably been hearing a lot about the child tax credit payments that the IRS is sending many American families. You may have already seen the money show up in your bank account. 

This episode will review what the child tax credit is and who qualifies for it. You'll find out how much you could receive and if it could affect your future tax refund.

What Is the Child Tax Credit?

The child tax credit isn't a new benefit for Americans - it's been around since 1997. However, due to COVID relief, known as the American Rescue Plan of 2021, the credit has changed significantly for a limited period.

If you have kids, you're probably familiar with the child tax credit. But if you don't, the credit may be news to you. So, here's a primer. 

The child tax credit is a federal benefit for qualifying taxpayers with one or more qualifying dependent children. It puts more money back in the pockets of families by reducing the amount of tax they owe or increasing their tax refunds. 

Unlike a tax deduction, a tax credit cuts your tax bill on a dollar-for-dollar basis, making it more valuable. For instance, if you owe $1,000 in taxes and qualify for a $250 tax credit, your tax liability gets cut to $750. 

Let's compare that scenario to getting a $1,000 tax deduction. A deduction doesn't reduce the actual amount of tax owed but instead reduces your taxable income. Let's say you qualify for a $1,000 tax deduction. Depending on your average tax rate, it may end up saving you about $200 in taxes, which is much less than for a $1,000 tax credit.

How Much is the Child Tax Credit?

How much money you could save by claiming the child tax credit depends on your income and family size. Before the pandemic, it paid qualified taxpayers $2,000 per child under age 17. 

Legislation boosted the credit to $3,000 per child under age 18, starting in 2020. Additionally, if you have a child under age six, you qualify for a $3,600 credit.

Another change for 2021 is that the child tax credit is fully refundable. That means you receive it even the amount exceeds what you owe in taxes. 

For example, if you owe $1,000 in taxes and qualify for a $3,000 credit, the IRS pays you the...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Superfood Alert: What's a Pili Nut?

Nutrition Diva listener Alex writes:

"Can you do an episode on the pili nut? I'd never seen or heard of it before but all of a sudden it's popping up in my social media feeds. Supposedly, it's super nutritious but I feel like we've been down this road before. What's the real deal?"

Isn't amazing in this era of global everything that there are still so many foods that you've never heard of? And Alex is right, the pili nut is having a moment. In the already crowded nut space, pili nut vendors are trying to carve out a niche for this little-known nut. So, of course, it was only a matter of time before the "superfood" label would be invoked. 

An internet search for "health benefits of pili nuts" will quickly yield a list of impressive claims:

• fights inflammation
• reduces cholesterol
• neutralizes free radicals
• strengthens bones
• helps you sleep
• enhances cognitive function

The first thing you need to know is that none of these claims are based on human research that's specifically on the pili nut. To my knowledge, there is no research linking pili nuts to specific health outcomes in humans - with the exception of a single study reporting an allergic reaction. In fact, there are only 6 papers mentioning pili nuts in the entire Pubmed database, and all but one of them were published since 2017!

If you have a tree nut allergy, exercise caution with pili nuts.

All of the health claims that you'll see for pili nuts, if they are based on anything at all, are based on their nutritional content. For example, calcium has been found to strengthen bones and pili nuts contain calcium. Therefore, pili nuts must strengthen your bones.  (Although it's worth noting that an ounce of pili nuts provides only 4% of your daily calcium needs.) 

So, if the nutrient content is the sole basis for these health claims, how do pili nuts stack up nutritionally to other nuts? Are they higher or lower in specific nutrients?

Are pili nuts nutritious?

Most nuts are high in fat, which mean that they provide a lot of calories in a relatively small package. But pili nuts are even higher in fat (and calories) than most other nuts, with the exception of macadamia. Unlike macadamia nuts, however, which are mostly monounsaturated fats, the pili is about half saturated and half monounsaturated fat.  Although you may run into claims to the contrary online, the pili nut is not a good source of omega-3 fats. 

Pili nuts contain less protein per serving than...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

6 Amazing Home Improvements for Quality of Life

It is easy to get stuck focusing on the wrong things when deciding where and how to renovate our homes. We know that it’s important to get as much return on our investment as possible when improving our house, so adding value is crucial. However, if you are planning on staying in your home for a while, investing in quality of life is essential too. Your home should not be just a brick-and-mortar investment that you look forward to selling one day in the distant future. The perfect home is one where you can relax and unwind, escaping from the common stresses of day-to-day life. If you’re thinking of making some changes to your home, and you want to do something that you know is going to make you happier, the following options might be ideal for you.

Upgrade your bathroom

Your bathroom is one of the most essential spaces in your home for quality of life. It’s where you spend a significant portion of your time taking care of yourself, so it should feel like an oasis of tranquility whenever possible. Think about how you can transform your current bathroom to make your everyday maintenance experiences feel as wonderful as possible. Would installing a larger bath so you can fully stretch out and enjoy some bubbles after a long day make you happier? Are you looking to switch your bath to a shower, so you don’t have to worry about spending time to fill an entire bath when you’re rushing to work? Make your bathroom into a place that’s perfect for your needs. Don’t forget to invest in your plumbing too. Installing a whole-house filtration system doesn’t just make your water taste better, it can also reduce the risk of dry skin and hair from your shower.

Invest in a good night’s sleep

Life is easier when you sleep well. Unfortunately, too many people fail to invest properly in a good night’s sleep. We choose beds and mattresses based on their affordability and can sometimes ignore things like bedding. Next time you have some spare cash set aside for updating your home, ask yourself how you can make your bedroom more welcoming. If you are constantly struggling to find the right level of comfort on your existing bed, then it might be time to update with a new frame or mattress. If your bedroom feels cluttered, think about how you can open up the space by transforming cupboards into built-in storage spaces.

The more comfortable you are in your bedroom, the more likely it is that you’ll sleep well.

Invest in a passion

We all have things in life that we enjoy. For some, it’s reading a good book, for others, it’s spending a few hours on a video game. If your home doesn’t have the perfect space for you...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

5 Tips for Boosting Engagement on LinkedIn

More than ever before, careers and business opportunities are being found and conducted online. A 2016 survey found that 87% of recruiters regularly use LinkedIn, which is known to its users as the “professional social networking site.” It’s important to stay active and connected online, regardless if you’re networking, seeking a job, recruiting for one, or promoting your brand. Read on for how to build your LinkedIn page to grow your number of followers and increase engagement.

Tip #1: Start with a strong headline

Your LinkedIn headline, which appears at the top of the page under your name, should summarize your expertise and knowledge in your niche. If you’re wondering how to succinctly craft your headline, think “what topic or field do I want to share content and gain followers for?” Your headline can be an opportunity to speak directly to your audience and show how you will help them. For example:

Public Speaking Coach | I Help Professionals Build Confidence and Public Speaking Skills in Just 30 Minutes a Day

If you have a website, it’s also helpful to include the link in the headline as well. Here’s an example from the LinkedIn page of our Modern Mentor podcast:

Tip #2: Make your posts easy to read

While image and video posts do well on many social networks, like Instagram and Facebook, text posts are generally most favored on LinkedIn. Since this is a professional site, people tend to seek advice on self-improvement, productivity, and career advancement, which is why text-based posts do better.

If you’re sharing a website link to an article, consider removing the preview image so that the post contains a plain link within the text. There will be an “X” button to remove the preview image.

Format your post content into 1 to 2 sentences per paragraph. This way, the text is easier to read and keeps your audience’s attention. Feel free to use emojis or bullets to list items!

End your posts with a call to action, like asking your audience a question or for their...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

How to Craft a Job You Love

With books, movies, or music, I’m a tough customer. If I’m not jazzed in minutes, I’m moving onto the next. There are too many choices for me to stick with something that's not lighting me up. A job, however, is not a song. It’s not so easy to change. But unlike a book or a movie, which you only see as a finished product, a job is malleable. You can bend and shape it to your will. The way you do this is through job crafting. A term coined by Jane Dutton and Amy Wrzesniewski, job crafting is the act of customizing your job to better fit your motives, strengths, and passions.

Your job, presumably, has a formal description. But that description’s purpose is to capture what you need to deliver – client outcomes, financial reports, HR processes, etc. But how you get that done – the tasks, activities, and interactions you engage in – is up to you to mold. As long as you deliver that outcome.

I used to work in Operations Management for a logistics company. I had to ensure thousands of items made it onto shelves daily. Many of my peers did this through a focus on technology and process efficiency. But my strengths and passions aligned better to people. And so I achieved success by focusing on talent – hiring, training, and rewarding them – to ensure the same outcomes were achieved.

So if your job has you dreading Monday mornings, here are 5 steps you can take to craft a job you love without having to update your resume:

Step #1: Decide to act

Job crafting begins with a choice. You must choose to recognize that jobs are not jail. You are not a prisoner to the description on the page. Every job can be bent, twisted, or molded within its boundaries.

“Crafting” is an action verb. So don’t sit back and wait for something to happen. Choose to take action. Begin with a commitment to yourself. Repeat after me: “I will take responsibility for crafting this job into something I love.”

Look at you – already making things happen!

You are not a prisoner to the description on the page. Every job can be bent, twisted, or molded within its boundaries.

Step #2: Choose what to chase

Job crafting isn’t about changing your title, function, or salary. It's about infusing more joy into your days. And to infuse joy, you must first know what brings you joy – the tasks, actions, projects, conversations, interactions, challenges, etc. that fuel your energy tank. It’s about finding the things you love, you’re good at, you want to be known for.

So start by asking yourself some reflective questions:

• When do I find...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Meet the New Get-Fit Guy (Part 1)

It's true! This two-part episode will be the final time you will read my words and hear my voice as the Get-Fit Guy. But don't despair! There is a great new Get-Fit Guy and he's ready to dive headfirst into guiding you on your fitness adventures. 

Before I introduce you to your new host, I want to let you know how grateful I am that you have allowed me into your life for these last four years. I know that there are so many places to get fitness information and the fact that you have trusted me to lead you is not something I take lightly. So from the bottom of my well-toned heart, I thank you for making these last four years so much fun.

If you enjoy and value what I bring to your fitness life, I would encourage you to visit BrockArmstrong.com/newsletter to sign up for updates on where you can find me next. I have a very exciting and fun project coming soon that you won't want to miss, so join me (I am CoachBrockArm on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram) and if you haven't already, make sure you subscribe to my YouTube Channel, so you won't have to miss me and my movement filled content at all. 

Meet the New Get-Fit Guy, Dr. Jonathan Su

Brock:

You are an award-winning physical therapist and bestselling author who has worked one-on-one with more than 10,000 clients of all ages. Can you tell us, in your own words, what makes you a great fit as the next Get-Fit Guy?

Jonathan:

The first thing that comes to mind is my desire to make fitness work for anyone regardless of age, weight, ability or goals. Research shows that the benefits of being even slightly more fit are transformative. From better mood, energy, and sleep to improved brain function, protection from chronic diseases, and help with weight management. Everyone should be empowered with the knowledge on how to be fitter, healthier, and happier.

What also comes to mind is the unique perspective I bring, having spent years in the trenches working with diverse groups of people, including managing functional training for soldiers in the field, prevention of repetitive strain injuries for office workers, and reconditioning and fall prevention for older and frail adults. This gives me a deep base of knowledge that listeners can draw from. At this point, I can confidently say that while I don’t know everything, I know what works and what doesn’t.

But I believe the most...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Coming Soon: Relationship Doctor Returns!

Did you know that 63% of college-aged men and 83% of women want to be in a traditional relationship? And 70% of Millennials want to get married?

Given these numbers, why is it that so many relationships fail? Why do so many of us ride the rollercoaster of ups and downs in dating? What’s the secret to finding love?

I’m Dr. Rachel Vanderbilt, and I’m a scientist specializing in the study of romantic relationships. I’m thrilled to be the new host of the Relationship Doctor podcast. If you listened to the previous season of this show, stick around: this season is going to bring you even more advice on how to make your relationship successful - advice that is always grounded in real science.

Researchers have been studying relationships in America since the 1950s. And I’m here to sift through all that data and give you the truth about what works and what doesn’t - and why!

I bet you’ve often heard that conflict is the sign of a bad relationship; that secrets are always harmful in a marriage; that you should experience “the spark” with someone instantly, otherwise they aren’t worth pursuing.

Turns out, none of these are true!

Each week on the Relationship Doctor podcast we will get to the bottom of all your questions - and debunk a lot of myths. My advice will be based in science, not hearsay. And we will tackle the full spectrum of relationships without judgment or fear.

So please join me every week on the Relationship Doctor podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. New episodes every Monday starting August 2. 

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

How to Treat Your Baby Like a Person

Hi and welcome to the Project Parenthood podcast! I’m Dr. Nanika Coor, a clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. This podcast is for parents who want to experience more peace, connection, ease, flexibility, and fun with their kids, and have less conflict and struggle in their relationships with their children - no matter how old they are.

Before becoming a parent, I once had an unfortunate incident with a friend’s child. Without meaning to, I came off more harshly than I’d intended and that moment of seeing the little girl's face painted with fear, well, it really stuck with me.

Wanting to be a parent someday, I went seeking answers to the question: How do you control children without scaring children?

What I found blew my mind and changed the course of my career. A foundational principle of respectful parenting is that control is not the goal. Instead you choose collaboration borne out of mutual respect. I was also surprised to learn that you can start creating that environment of mutual respect right from the start of a baby’s life. It’s easy to find information about how to “manage” babies in terms of feeding, diapering, getting them to sleep, and settling them down. But beyond these basic needs, you can actually start building a relationship with your baby as soon as they’re born. And this relationship will become the foundation for lifelong mutual respect.

Here are five ways to build your bond:

Tip #1: Show respect for babies’ body autonomy

Magda Gerber, creator of the respectful caregiving approach Resources for Infant Educarers, commonly known as RIE (pronounced “rye”), was a parent and caregiver educator, infant specialist, and author of the book, Your Self-Confident Baby. She encouraged parents to prioritize the caregiver-child relationship by showing respect for babies in all of their interactions.

The first way parents can build a connection is by being mindful of their baby’s body autonomy.  Tell your baby what you are about to do with their body before you do it, wait a moment for them to take in the information, and then proceed with the caregiving task.  When starting the day, you might say, “Good morning, little one! It’s time to get out of the crib. I’m going to pick you up now...ready? Here we go.” This sows seeds for the concept of consent down the line, and makes it clear that the child has a say in what happens to their body.

This sows seeds for the concept of consent down the line, and makes it clear that the child has a say in what happens to their body.

Tip #2: Trust that...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Pain Is Inevitable—Here's How to Make Suffering Optional

Do you know the difference between pain and suffering? Do you know which one you'd choose?

When I think about the most painful experiences in my life—whether they involved physical pain or emotional pain—I notice something funny. The amount of hurt I felt at the time is not proportional to how much I shudder at the memory when I look back.

Let me give you some examples. There's no way any event caused more sheer, body-wracking pain than giving birth—I labored for 20 hours! But even in the toughest moments, I felt pride and excitement. The next most painful experience was breaking my ankle in the first month of college. But for the most part, that experience was humorous.

On the other hand, that time it was really cold when I was visiting Minnesota and my feet were freezing? That was a drag. And it’s no exaggeration to say that every time I get a mosquito bite, I rage and rail. Suffering galore!

The secret ingredient behind how much we suffer from painful experiences lies in the way we think about pain.

Judged by the level of pain alone, giving birth is a million times worse than a mosquito bite. Judged by duration, a broken ankle lasts much longer than cold feet. And yet, I didn't endure prolonged suffering with my most painful events. So, what governs the amount of suffering we experience?

For some hints into the difference between pain and suffering, we can look to the cognitive-behavioral and mindfulness underpinnings of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a treatment developed by Dr. Steven Hayes, a psychology professor at the University of Nevada and developer of Relational Frame Theory.

Spoiler—the secret ingredient behind how much we suffer from painful experiences lies in the way we think about pain. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look.

What is pain?

Pain is very clean. It’s simply an unpleasant physical sensation—either mild (like an itchy elbow), extreme (like a broken bone), or somewhere in between.

Pain can also be an unpleasant, raw emotional experience. I emphasize “raw” because once a natural emotion has been processed, thinking about it or analyzing it too much gets into suffering territory. A raw emotion is an automatic and simple feeling, one that a first-grader could name—anger, sadness, fear, joy.

Pain is universal and unavoidable. Nobody can truly say they've led a completely painless existence.

...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

What Is the Meaning of 'Bupkis'?

Sometimes you may not understand the meaning of a word when you encounter it all by itself, without context. However, when you hear or read that word in a whole sentence or paragraph, you then understand the intended meaning without having to look it up in a dictionary. “Bupkis” might be one of those words.  

'Bupkis' in the 'Dick Van Dyke Show'

“Bupkis” was the one-word title for an episode of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” that aired in the 1960s. Seeing just that one word as the title doesn’t give any clue about the intended meaning. However, within the first three minutes of the episode, “bupkis” gets used in a larger context that makes its meaning clear. The episode begins with Rob Petrie (played by Dick Van Dyke) eating breakfast while listening to the radio. After the weather report, a song comes on that is titled “Bupkis” and the first four lines are as follows:   

You took my arm, with golden charm,
a diamond mine, a love so fine.
But what did I get from you? Bupkis!
What did I get from you? Bupkis!

From those first four lines of the song, it’s clear that “bupkis” meant “nothing” as in “zero” or “the absence of something.” That meaning was made even more explicit in the next four lines of the song.

Bupkis is a lot of nothing and
that’s what I got from you.
Bupkis is a lot of nothing and
that’s what I got from you.

'Bupkis' and goat droppings

“The Official Dick Van Dyke Show Book” by Vince Waldron tells an interesting story about the word “bupkis” and that particular episode. Sam Denoff, one of the co-writers for that episode and the song, had heard his mother use the word “bupkis” when he was growing up, and he had always been told it meant “nothing.” Denoff’s parents often attended live tapings of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and they were in the audience the night the “Bupkis” episode was filmed. Denoff’s mother thought the episode was funny, but afterward she told him that he couldn’t put it on the air. He asked her why not and she said, “Don’t you know what ‘bupkis’ means?” He said he knew that it meant “nothing.” His mother then told him that “nothing” was the loose translation for the Yiddish word “bupkis,” but the literal meaning was “goat droppings” and goat dung was worth nothing.  

Denoff used “bupkis” to mean “...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

'Fish' or 'Fishes'?

The noun "fish" has two different, completely acceptable plurals—"fish" and "fishes"—but "fish" is by far the most common plural. It's what you usually use to refer to a group or collection of fish. For example, if Squiggly brought home a big bag of goldfish from the pet store, Aardvark might ask, "Do you have a bowl for those fish? Do you have food for those fish? What were you thinking buying all those fish?" 

"Fishes" tends to be used in more specialized areas and in some well-known sayings.

Scientists use 'fishes'

For example, scientists who study fish (they're called "ichthyologists")— "Ichthys" is Greek for "fish" — often refer to different species as fishes. A quick Google Books search returns a bunch of scientific tomes talking about the different kinds of fishes that researchers have found in various regions, such as thirty kinds of fishes off the coast of California and 149 kinds of fishes in Minnesota. 

The majority of quotations using the word "fishes" in the Corpus of Contemporary American English are also from scientific publications, like this one from The Fisheries Blog at blogspot.com: "Some deep living fishes like the orange roughy don't reach maturity until nearly 30 and can live to 125 years." Those are some old fish!

Buy Now

...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

8 Secret Tips for Buying the Best Produce at the Supermarket

Go seasonal

You’ve probably heard that food tastes best when it’s in season, but did you know that it’s also cheapest then, too? That’s because when a farm near you is harvesting it, the price doesn’t include the transportation from another country. When a harvest has been particularly good, expect deep discounts as distributors try to get rid of a product before it goes bad.

Visit EatTheSeasons.com to find out what produce is in season in the US and Canada.

Weigh  in

If you’re buying produce that is priced by the item rather than by the pound (such as a head of lettuce, lemons, or avocados), take advantage of the store’s scales and weigh them to find the heaviest one. This way, you’ll be sure you’re getting the most for your money. The same is true for pre-packaged bags of produce: weigh bags of carrots, apples, and potatoes to see which is the best value for your money—we’ve found a wide range of weights even though the package specifies one particular weight.

Don’t dig for corn

When corn is piled high in supermarket bins, go for the ears that are on top. Why? Corn gets rapidly less sweet the warmer it gets, and even the heat generated by all the corn on the top of the pile can make the corn on the bottom start to lose its deliciously sweet taste.

Avoid puffy bags of lettuce

Buying a bag of pre-washed lettuce? Opt for the thinnest, most deflated bag you can find. Lettuce gives off gas as it ripens, and a puffy bag means it’s been sitting on the shelf for longer, and will go bad faster.

Look for pale patches

You might be inclined to avoid watermelon and other produce that has a giant pale patch on one side, opting instead for the “prettier” produce. But the truth is, a pale patch on one side of produce is a good sign: It means it was laying in a field when it ripened. Pick these fruits and veggies and you’ll get sweeter, riper produce.

Avoid white-topped strawberries

Conversely, when shopping for strawberries, you should avoid ones that have white tops near where they were picked. For strawberries, this is a sign that they were picked before they were ripened, and unlike other fruit they won’t ripen off the vine.

Go small for citrus

When selecting limes or lemons at the market, go for the biggest you can find. They tend to be sweeter than their smaller counterparts.

Don’t buy frosted vegetables

When shopping in the freezer aisle, avoid packages of frozen vegetables that have frost on them. It’s a sign that the food has thawed and refrozen, and a percentage of moisture has already been lost.

You should also...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

Money Talk: Sara Fujimura on the Importance of Talking About Money

Money Girl Laura Adams: When did you decide that you wanted to become an author (or other career)?

Sara Fujimura: Not until after college where I earned a B.S. in Public Health Education. My favorite class in college was Epidemiology, and deadly diseases used to be my jam…that is until March 2020. I am infinitely fascinated by the Spanish Flu and did several articles about it, including one for Perspectives in Health, published by an arm of the World Health Organization. While doing research, I came across all kinds of captivating stories in diaries, letters, newspaper articles, and even some video interviews (much later on) from survivors. I took these true stories and wove them into my young adult historical fiction novel Breathe, which came out in 2018 on the 100^th anniversary of the pandemic. Who knew that only two years later, everybody would suddenly become an expert on the Spanish Flu and pandemics in general? While I was doing research (so much research!) for Breathe, I decided to keep going with my storytelling, slowly moving from magazine articles to young adult books full-time.  

MG: Do you write full-time?

SF: I do, but I am also blessed to have a spouse with a stable job and health insurance. I didn’t start writing full-time until after my children finished high school. Before then, I wrote part-time and donated a lot of time to my children’s schools/activities. I don’t regret this at all. It was a time of story-collecting and educating myself on writing craft.

Writing tends to be a feast-or-famine occupation, and the pandemic hit our profession just as hard as everybody else’s. COVID19 has been the great equalizer. Whether you were the Big Fish or the tiny minnow in your publishing house, NOBODY went out on book tour. This is where being an indie-pubbed author first saved my bacon. Tor Teen (publisher for my third and fourth books) can definitely do things that I can’t, like getting my book reviewed on NPR. But I can also do things that they can’t, like tapping into my local networks and keeping my books alive even when all of my in-person events went *poof* in 2020. Yeah, releasing a new book two weeks before the country goes into lockdown…1 out of 10 stars. Highly would NOT recommend it. With America slowly opening back up, I hope to combine my entrepreneurial spirit with Tor Teen’s fantastic marketing team to make an exponential jump in sales with my latest book, Faking Reality (July 13).   

MG: Did you study writing (or something else) or has it always come naturally to you?

SF: People are often surprised to hear that I do NOT...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips

The Colonel Who Went to War

There have been many neglected heroes and heroines from history, but few are as colorful, dynamic, and outlandish as Col. Frank “Howlin’ Mad” Howley. He was the man destined to run the American sector of four-power Berlin after the Second World War; he was also a man destined to launch a ferocious, one-man war against Stalin and the Soviet Union. To the Soviets, it was Howley, and Howley alone, who fired the starting gun for the Cold War…

Col Howley was a living legend to the men serving under him, a blunt-spoken Yankee with a dangerous smile and a disarmingly sharp brain. He commanded an outfit named “A1A1,” splendid shorthand for a group led by such a high-spirited adventurer. The task of this unit was to sweep into newly liberated territories and impose order on chaos, repairing shattered infrastructure and feeding starving civilians.

Howley may have played the cowboy, but he cared deeply about people’s welfare.

Colonel Howley had won his spurs in the chaotic aftermath of the D-day landings of June 1944. Appointed to run the wrecked port of Cherbourg, he swung into town like a benevolent dictator, abolishing the kangaroo courts that were dealing out rough justice to collaborators and ruling over his new fiefdom with a rod of iron. His second big job had been to organize the feeding of five million hungry Parisians after the city’s liberation in August 1944. He knew how to get things done: no bureaucracy, no red tape, no rules—unless they were his own. His success earned him plaudits from far and wide, not to mention the Legion of Merit, Croix de Guerre, and Légion d’honneur. Howley may have played the cowboy, but he cared deeply about people’s welfare.

His team was still running food supplies into the French capital in the autumn of 1944 when he was paid a visit by the American commander Brig-Gen. Julius Holmes at his offices at 7 Place Vendôme in Paris. Their conversation was perfunctory but purposeful.

“Frank,” Holmes asked, “how would you like to go to Berlin?” “Fine,” Howley said. “The job is done here[,] and I’d like to stay on the main line east. Berlin sounds good to me.”1 This brief exchange was all it took for him to land one of the biggest jobs in the postwar world. He certainly had the required levels of dynamism. He was a curious mixture of firebrand and intellectual, a man always on the alert like “a very large, trim eagle, ready to swoop if necessary.” In the years before the war, he had excelled as an All-American football player (he was known as “Golden Toe”). His sporting prowess had come to an untimely end when he crashed his motorcycle at reckless speed and broke his back and pelvis. He was...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips