5 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Person

Growing a baby is miraculous, exciting, exhausting, and challenging. Pregnancy is a personal journey, but in our society it also becomes an open forum. For some reason, expectant moms are magnets for commentary, biased opinions, and even unsolicited touching.

Here are five tips for proper pregnancy etiquette:

Tip #1: Keep your questions rosy

After my five-year struggle with infertility, when I finally did become pregnant, I wanted the entire world to know. I was counting the days until I could burst out of my regular clothing and start wearing every maternity ensemble I could get my hands (and stomach!) on. 

No sooner did my big announcement start making the rounds, so did the litany of personal questions about my pregnancy. I soon realized that no topic was off-limits when it came to pregnancy. I consider myself an outgoing, kinda gal, but I also enjoy my privacy. How my breasts responded to my newly pregnant body was not something I wanted to discuss with my mother-in-law! That's why I love the advice from etiquette expert Thomas Farley, aka Mister Manners. He offered a simple rule of thumb to people tempted to press a woman about details of her pregnancy.

"Keep the questions rosy and not nosy." Unless the pregnant woman is a bestie or a close family member, it's best to focus on supportive, caring, and positive comments and questions. "How do you feel today?" is much rosier than "Wow, you look totally wiped out. Pregnancy doesn't agree with you!" 

Tip #2: If you're not a doctor, don't offer medical advice

Pregnancy is one of those topics that knows no boundaries. Why is a pregnant belly automatically permission for a stranger in the grocery store to offer medical advice? Why should the bank teller feel the need to tell me that my baby was in the breech position simply by the shape of my stomach? And then educate me on how I could help the baby flip to the correct position in the birth canal. Seriously?

In a perfect world, folks would refrain from offering medical opinions, particularly when they don't have a medical degree, but we all know there is no such thing as perfect. The next best thing is to choose how you interpret said advice. Here are...

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Mania - Why Bipolar Disorder Is Misunderstood

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“Bipolar” is a term that gets thrown around a lot, often in a demeaning way as shorthand for “indecisive” or “inconsistent,” such as, “She’s so bipolar--one day she wants to marry him, another day she wants to break up.” But indecision and Bipolar Disorder are not one and the same. True Bipolar Disorder -- which used to be called manic depression -- is a very serious psychological disorder that could completely upend a person’s life, changing the trajectory of their relationships, physical health, careers, and self-image (if not treated). And it’s not so easily overcome, simply through dancing and love, like for Bradley Cooper’s character in the movie Silver Linings Playbook.

So let’s bust some myths and paint Bipolar Disorder in a truer light, so we can better understand and support the people in our lives who may be struggling with it. After all, about 5% of the population has some form of Bipolar Disorder, so chances are that someone in your life could benefit from you having this knowledge.

What sets Bipolar Disorder apart

The hallmark of Bipolar Disorder, and the thing that sets it apart from plain old depression, is mania. This describes a days-long altered state of being that sends a person careening out of control. Here are five signs that someone is in the middle of a manic episode:

Mania Sign #1:  Euphoria

We’ve all felt giddy at one time or another. Maybe we got an unexpected bonus at work, or we got asked on a date by our crush -- there’s an extra spring in your step and you feel like you’re ready to smile at anything. Now amplify that feeling through a stadium concert sound system. You feel out-of-this-world high on life. You are literally shouting from the rooftops, because being on the ground is simply not enough to express how much you’re exploding with euphoria.

The hallmark of Bipolar Disorder is mania. This describes a days-long altered state of being that sends a person careening out of control.

Mania Sign #2:  Grandiosity

Nothing is impossible for you. No one is better qualified to start this new company. You’re a genius that nobody is smart enough to understand. You’re convinced that your 3:00am scribblings will go down in history as being on the level of Shakespeare. You have the confidence of Kanye ... on steroids.

Mania Sign #3:  Impulsive decisions and bad judgment

You find yourself doing risky, impulsive things...

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5 Common Latin Phrases to Describe Something Awesome

English is a funny language. Its roots are Germanic, and the most commonly used words today show this. For example, “I,” “the,” “and,” “a,” “to,” “is,” “you,” and “that” are all Germanic in origin. (1)

Across the centuries, however, English borrowed a huge number of words from other languages, and one of the most common sources was Latin. From the Normans’ invasion of the British Isles in 1066, to translators infusing English texts with Latin, French, and Italian words in the 16th century, our tongue has become packed with these Latin-based add-ons. In fact, it’s believed that some 60% of words we use today have Latin roots. (2,3)

In some cases, entire phrases in Latin have become part of our vocabulary. Because we've been having beautiful spring days in most places in the northern hemisphere, today we’re going to talk about Latin phrases you can use to describe something wonderful.  

1. Sui Generis

The first is “sui generis.” This means “of its own kind,” and we use it to describe something that’s in a class of its own. You could say that Serena Williams is sui generis in the tennis world, or speak of Bob Dylan’s sui generis songwriting. In either case, we’re describing something that is one of a kind.  

2. Ne Plus Ultra

Another complimentary term is “ne plus ultra,” translated as “no more beyond.” Something that is the ne plus ultra represents the highest point of achievement or the most profound example of something. For example, "The Godfather" could be considered the ne plus ultra of gangster movies. 

This term has an interesting history. It was said to be inscribed on the “Pillars of Hercules” at the Strait of Gibraltar. The strait is a channel of water that lies between southernmost Spain and northwesternmost Africa, and connects the Mediterranean Sea with the Atlantic Ocean. These “pillars” —represented by the Rock of Gibraltar on one side of the strait and a mountain peak on the other— were supposedly set in place by Hercules. Some say he did this as a memorial to his majestic deeds; others say he did it when he destroyed the mountain that once connected Africa and Europe. 

In any case, the strait was considered to be the western end of the classical world. The inscription “ne plus ultra” on the Pillars of Hercules thus served as a warning to sailors: “(Let there) not (be) more (sailing) beyond (this point).” (4)

3. Bona Fide

Another way to say something’s good is to say it’s “bona fide”; literally, “in good faith.” A used car...

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Is 'Graduated College' Wrong?

Because it’s graduation season, my social media feeds are filling up again with complaints about people who say things such as “We’re so proud of Jimmy; he graduated high school this year.” 

For example, Bill T. wrote,

“Do you graduate high school, or do you graduate FROM high school? I don't think one can actually graduate a high school. Some trick to do that! This has really bugged me—please advise.”

I covered the topic a few years ago, but I’ve had a bit of a change of heart since then.

If you want me to just tell you what to do to be safe, I still have to say to stick with "graduated from," but I don't feel strongly about it anymore, and it's an interesting topic to explore.

If you look back 80 years or so, you'll find that the verb “graduated” used to be used differently, and current trends tells us that now it's being used differently again. Language changes over time, and “graduated” seems to be a twitchy verb that’s always on the move.

The Old Way: 'Was Graduated From'

First, let’s travel back in time. In the late 1800s, conventional wisdom said that a school did the act of graduating students, so the proper way to use “graduated” was to say that Johnny was graduated from high school. That passive wording, “was graduated from,” was considered standard English. But even then, people were already saying simply "Johnny graduated from high school." (1) The usage guides admonished against it because people were doing it.

The current standard usage is to say someone graduated FROM high school.

By 1963, the fourth edition of H. L. Mencken's book "The American Language" said that the active form had triumphed over the passive form because of the American drive to simplify the language. (2) In other words, people insisted on dropping the word “was” from “was graduated from college.” If you search Google Books, you can see the steady decline over time in phrases such as “was graduated from” and “was graduated from college.” (Do your own search.)

The Current Way: 'Graduated From'

I’m willing to bet that to most of you today, “Johnny was graduated from high school” sounds odd and maybe even wrong. We say “Johnny graduated FROM high school.”

The Newer Way:...

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How to Handle Receiving a Gift You Don’t Like

In my last two episodes, I discussed proper gift giving in a new or unofficial relationship, which raised a lot of questions. One reader asked: “What happens if you don’t like the gift from your unofficial boy/girlfriend?” Wow, that IS a good question. After all, in a new relationship, your guard is still up and you’re not always as honest or as open with your emotions as you should (or will) be. And I will say, this question is not just for new relationships. Bad gift giving is like death and taxes – you can’t avoid it!

How to Properly Handle Receiving a Gift You Don’t Like

From a tie for someone who doesn’t even wear dress pants (let alone a dress shirt), to a monogrammed snow shovel (seriously!), we’ve all received gifts that we hated. But despite not enjoying the gift, your reaction should not consist of gaping as if you would rather have received a punch in the face.

So with that, here are my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips on how to properly handle – and react – to receiving a gift that you didn’t want:

Tip #1 – Smile, Nod, and Say Thanks

I love buying my family and friends presents for their birthdays. But I love their reactions even more. Nonetheless, I’ve gotten the raised eyebrow from time to time on a gift that didn’t quite hit the mark. And from those uncomfortable situations, I’ve learned a lot. Firstly, my wife does not find a subscription to ESPN Magazine nearly as cool as I do. Go figure.

Despite my own miscalculations, which I’ve overcome in the past few years, I found that it’s even worse to be on the other side of the gifting pond. Last year, I opened a gift from my aunt that “appeared” to be a bag of fresh coffee, only to find that it was really a half used bag of coffee (thus no longer making it “fresh”). I don’t know what made her think I would enjoy her already used bag of coffee, or that it would make for a proper gift, but it was something I had to take in stride.

Still, as unmannerly as it is to give someone used food as a gift, I made sure to show my appreciation. Was I lying? Yes! Modern Manners Guy lies to elderly relatives who give improper gifts. But I will say at that at the time, it is what was called for. I gave her a big hug, a kiss on the cheek, and told her I’ll be thinking of her when I made my next cup of coffee. Although I didn’t say it would be from her used bag.

In the end, a smile and a thank you, should be your first reaction....

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Tips for Preparing for Parenthood

Whether you have always wanted to be a parent or your pregnancy is a shock for you, it is a life changing moment to learn you will have a new family member arriving. You might have mixed feelings, ranging from fear to joy. While there is no way to be 100 percent prepared for this life change, there are a few things you can do to make the process easier. Knowing what to expect can help you feel less scared.

Consider the financial aspects of things

Now is the time to begin saving for your new family member. Before the child arrives, you need to have an emergency fund established. Once you have a child, it is even more critical to have these funds since you are not only supporting yourself. The fund can cover unexpected expenses, like car repairs or illnesses.

You’ll also want to save for additional costs, like food, diapers, and medical expenses. If one of the parents is taking paternity or maternity leave, there might not be as much income coming in. Of course, you will still want to save for the future and ensure you have a great retirement fund.

If you don’t have enough money to cover these expenses, you have some options. One would be to consider taking out a personal loan from a private lender. That’s especially true if you are facing medical expenses you are unable to afford.

There are low interest personal loans to help you cover these costs.

Do your research now

Whether you are carrying the baby, adopting, using a surrogate, or adding to your family in a different way, there are ways to feel involved with the process before the baby arrives. There are newsletters, online groups, and books for expectant mothers or fathers. Educate yourself on all aspects of the process.

For example, if your significant other is pregnant, learn about common pregnancy symptoms, such as heartburn or morning sickness. Once you know what they are going through, you can support them better. Once the baby has arrived, understanding what to expect will make the process easier for everyone. If you do not know how to care for an infant, consider attending classes for new parents, where you can learn everything from how to change a diaper to caring for a sick baby.

Become healthier

This is a great time to focus on your health, especially if you are or will be the one carrying the baby. For instance, if you drink or smoke, it is best to quit before becoming pregnant. Even if you are not pregnant, it is best to avoid habits such as smoking....

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How to Make Your Money Work as Hard as You Do

According to Fidelity Investments' recent Financial Sentiment Survey, the pandemic continues to cause historic levels of stress, especially for women. The survey showed that 79% of women suffer from stress due to money and job security, up from 67% last fall.

However, there's good news, too. Seven in ten women believe they'll be better off financially in 2021 than in 2020 and are ready to take control of their money.

To discuss the Fidelity study and actionable tips to make your money work harder (regardless of gender), I interviewed Lorna Kapusta. Lorna is the Head of Women Investors & Customer Engagement at Fidelity Investments. Her job is to empower women, regardless of their career or financial situation, to become more actively involved in their finances.

On the Money Girl podcast, Lorna and I cover a variety of topics, including:

• Critical findings from the recent Fidelity survey.
• How to create a simple money plan that alleviates financial stress.
• Exactly what to do with your money based on its purpose.
• How to make your money reach its full potential without being too risky--even if you're afraid of investing.
• Tips for creating a solid financial foundation.

[Listen to the interview using the embedded audio player or on Apple Podcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, and Spotify]

4 Ways to Help Your Money Work as Hard as You Do

Here are four tips to help your money work harder"

Tip #1: Reset your financial foundation

Having a clear picture of your overall financial situation and establishing an emergency safety net is a game-changer. It's critical to review your saving and spending, so you know exactly where your money goes and what to plan for. 

A recent Fidelity survey found that more than half of women said they need at least six months of emergency savings to sleep...

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Nutrition Around the World: Japanese Cuisine

This is the third in a series of episodes in which we're talking to nutrition professionals from around the world about their culture's traditional cuisine. If you missed the first two, please check out our previous episodes on traditional Indian food and Colombian cuisine.

Several of you have written in to suggest other countries and cuisines you'd like to explore. Takako writes:

"I am from Japan and I am curious about Japanese cuisine. Many people consider it to be healthy, but I wondering whether it might be too high in sodium."

Joining me today to talk about the nutritional features of traditional Japanese cuisine is Miho Hatanaka, RDN.

Miho was born in Japan and emigreated to the United States at the age of 11. She went on to study dietetics at Syracuse University and has served in various positions within the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. She's also passionate about combining nutrition with mindfulness practices. (You can follow her on Instagram @mindfulmiho)

Below are a few highlights from our conversation. Please click the audio player to hear the entire interview.

What led you to study nutrition? 

I became a dietitian because I missed the school lunches in Japan so much. Unlike school lunches in the U.S., Japanese schools (mainly elementary) generally have their own production kitchen and a staff dietitian who develops a menu for the students every day. Students have freshly cooked meals that are well balanced and nutritious. From a young age, people in Japan are taught the importance of a balanced diet and nutrition.

What role does food play in Japanese culture?

Japanese people pay the utmost respect for food and eating. Japanese people are taught to respect the food by saying "Itadakimasu" at the beginning of a meal, which shows respect to the food, people who harvested it, and who prepared it for you. And end the meal by saying "Gochisousamadeshita" to thank the food and those involved to prepare the meal you just had.

We often gift food items for weddings, anniversaries, and casual occasions, and gifting high-quality food determines your reputation. Interestingly even though we have such a high interest in food, the rate of obesity has been significantly lower than any other developed country -- although it has been increasing in recent years due to the Westernization of our food.

What are the characteristic flavors and ingredients of Japanese cuisine...

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Starting a Business? Here’s How You Can Understand Your Market in Advance

For any business with realistic hopes of success, knowing your market is the very first step.

Building a successful business isn’t easy, even if you’ve got an outstanding product/service to offer. Starting off with a solid foundation will improve your chances.

Knowing what your customers want, where your competition lies, and how you can stand out from the crowd will always be of the utmost importance. In fact, most companies engage in market research before their product/service has even been fully developed. So, if you haven’t considered this aspect of starting a business, you certainly should be.

To help you on your way, we’ve come up with some top tips to make your journey slightly easier. 

Tip 1: Research your market

You’ve created a winning product/service, but you’ll need to know a little more regarding your specific market.

Understanding your market in detail will help drive your marketing effort and increase the Return on Investment (ROI) that you experience.

Who are your potential customers? Where are they? And what can you offer that they can’t source elsewhere?

These are the kinds of questions you and your marketing team should be asking yourselves and knowing exactly how to analyze the market is only ever going to propel you to success.

Focusing your marketing means that you are able to relate your product to the problems, wants and desires of your customers. In fact, without knowing this information, your winning product could easily get lost in a sea of sinking start-ups, which is never going to be great for your ROI.

Begin your research in the early stages

This is an especially good tip if you are planning to enter a new market. You may well be an established businessperson, but new markets are tricky. For this reason, you should always do your homework before you try to sell.

Understand the problems you are seeking to solve and work out where your ideal customers hang out, that way you’ll be able to tailor your message and deliver it directly to your target market.

Use existing knowledge, studies, journals, and reports

If there are products similar to yours, then some of your research will already be done for you. Save your precious start-up funds, and have a browse online.

There’s lots of information out there and often it just takes a bit of tenacity to dig it out.

Although it is best to look for surveys and reports that have been conducted recently, some more historic data can...

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How to Divide Communal Items with Your Roommates

Over the last 15 years, I’ve had a number of opportunities to have roommates and housemates. From my first college roommate to living with one of my best friends to having friends stay with my husband and myself when they were going through rough patches, I’ve had the opportunity to learn a lot about living with others. One of the stickiest situations about having a roommate or housemate is how the communal items are divided.

From the big stuff like furniture and appliances, to the small stuff like Oreos and milk, how items are purchased and consumed between roommates can have a big impact on the relationship of those living together. Luckily there are a few simple steps you can follow to help maintain good vibes with those whom you are sharing a home.

Agree on ownership of the big stuff

I’ll focus first on the big stuff. No matter how long you live with and how much you trust your roommate, you will want to make sure you go in to the roommate situation with a "claim your own" mentality, so you will want to have it be crystal clear who owns what items in the home, especially the big stuff. The last thing you want when you move out is to have there be any confusion about who bought and brought which items in to the household. Any confusion about this topic can lead to fights (and possible legal action!) about who is able to take the items with them to their next home, or who is responsible for having the items removed from the home if no roommate wants to keep them.

For any larger items that are going to be kept in the common areas, it is smart to come up with a detailed list of ownership. You can keep this as a document on Google Drive and update it as other larger items are brought in to the home. The good thing about keeping this on Google Drive is that all changes and updates to the document are recorded in the file, so there’s a record in case a dispute arises in the future.

To create this list, detail out each item over $100 in value that is to remain in a common area. Include a description of the item and the dollar value of the item as well. If there are items you need to purchase for the home, decide which roommate is going to purchase the item and add them to the list once they are in the home.

I’d highly advise against “chipping in” on items because it creates a lot of confusion upon move out as to who owns the item. If you want to split the cost on things, instead come up with a list of a few items that need to be purchased and split up who is going to purchase, and therefore own, each item.

It’s a little more work, and it can be uncomfortable to bring this up with your roommates, but trust me when I say it’s easier to have this conversation before there is a problem in the...

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How to Get Your Kids Moving with a Podcast

You have likely heard me promoting a kid-friendly audio service called Pinna on this podcast for the last few weeks. Well, in today's episode, I had a chance to chat with the CEO of Pinna to get to the bottom of why an audio service would be focused on children’s education, imagination, and also their movement.

Today's Guest: Maggie McGuire

My guest on this episode is Maggie McGuire the CEO of Pinna, an media company offering the first and only ad-free, audio on-demand streaming service for kids. Pinna produces and distributes breakthrough Pinna Original podcasts and searches the world over for the very best audio programming created for kids 3-12 to bring into their expanding catalogue of exceptional audio stories, songs, and podcasts. 

A seasoned media executive, Maggie drove business strategy, content, and product development for children's media and publishing companies such as Scholastic and Nickelodeon. Before moving into children's media, she began her career as a teacher and then recruiter for Teach for America and led the team that launched the International Baccalaureate’s Middle Years Programme in North America. She holds an MA in Educational Theater from New York University and a BA in English Literature and Philosophy from Boston College.

To kick off our conversation, which you can hear in it’s entirety in the podcast version of this episode, I asked Maggie what got her interested kid’s audio programming?

Maggie:

There is a throughline. I have had a varied past, but the throughline is kids. My passion is for kids and for inspiring their imagination, their curiosity, and educating and entertaining them. I was a teacher in New York City public schools, a long time ago. And then I made a career move into the children's media and entertainment space. First, in television and then over the last 20-plus years, I have played a role in bringing luminary brands for kids to life across gaming, television, audio, interactive games, books. And so it's a natural fit to now be leading the charge at Pinna where our goal is to inspire kids to use their own imagination, to bring stories to life through podcasts, audiobooks, and songs.

Kids and Movement

Brock:

It is very interesting to me that you have specifically taken on the role of not just entertaining kids, but educating them, getting their creativity and imagination going, but also getting their bodies moving -- which is what really is the focus of what I want to talk to you about today. So why this emphasis on getting kids up and moving?

Maggie:

As a former educator and someone who's been in children's media for quite a long time who works...

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How to Manage Distractions and Become More Productive

You know how you strive to stay productive during the day…only to get sidetracked by the notifications on your phone or the donuts in your kitchen? If you’ve ever felt like you could be so much more productive if only those distractions would quiet down, then get ready to feel empowered.

I invited Nir Eyal – author of Indistractible: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life – to join me on the Modern Mentor podcast today. Nir's research has uncovered tons of actionable advice on how to take back the reins and stay in the zone of productivity. 

Nir Eyal

Nir Eyal writes, consults, and teaches about the intersection of psychology, technology, and business. Nir previously taught as a Lecturer in Marketing at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design at Stanford. He was dubbed “The Prophet of Habit-Forming Technology” by M.I.T. Technology Review and Bloomberg Businessweek wrote, “Nir Eyal is the habits guy. Want to understand how to get app users to come back again and again? Then Eyal is your man.” He is the author of two bestselling books, Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products and Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life.

You’ll want to hear Nir’s story firsthand – in which case you’ll need to listen to our interview. But in summary, we talked about the importance of noting and managing our internal triggers (like boredom, anxiety, or loneliness) in order to manage our relationship with external triggers (like technology, food, drink, or anything that temps us away from our focus). And more importantly, he shares how he does this – and suggests how you might do the same.

Here are some of the big ideas we covered:

Begin by understanding distraction

“The best way to understand what distraction is is to understand what distraction is not…The opposite of the word ‘distraction’ is ‘traction.'” Traction is the thing that pulls us toward the action we want to be taking, and distraction is the thing that pulls us away.

Any action can be traction or distraction. The key is in your intent.

If you’re trying to stay focused on getting that report written but your fingers keep hitting that refresh button on your Insta feed, then technology has become a distraction. However, if your plan was to finish the report and then reward yourself with 20 minutes of scrolling, then your scrolling has become your traction. Because you set and intention and you executed it.

Technology isn’t always the enemy. It’s all about...

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5 Reasons Your Child Should Attend a Summer Camp

 

As the school year winds down and temps begin to heat up, thousands of kids across the country are beginning to gear up for the carefree days of summer. Time spent out of the classroom is welcome to the many students who long to kick back and enjoy hanging out with friends and family at the beach, the park, or in their own backyards.

In addition to downtime away from school, there’s another highly anticipated item happening for lots of kids: summer camp! Whether it be a day camp, sleepaway camp, sports or theater camp, attending some type of camp program offers multiple benefits for not only your child but you as the parent.

With hundreds of camps to choose from each summer, Mighty Mommy offers five ways you and your child can gain a positive experience from participating in camp.

Camp Helps Build Self-Esteem

Most of my eight kids attended some type of camp while growing up. My youngest daughter, now 12, is looking forward to an acting camp later this summer as well as volunteering at a nature camp for pre-schoolers. Though not all kids want to participate in a summer camp program, I noticed a positive change in my kids who attended once their camp was finished. They made friends easier as a result of going to camp because they had to learn to mix in with kids who didn’t go to their school. They also learned to cook, problem-solve, learned fun new skills like kayaking and experienced many hands-on activities as they constructed things from scratch.

Camp offers a well-rounded experience that satisfies a child’s need for physical activity, a creative outlet, and a community-building environment. "The building blocks of self-esteem are belonging, learning, and contributing. Camps offer unique opportunities for children to succeed in these three vital areas and even beyond home and school,” says Michael Popkin, Ph.D., family therapist and founder of Active Parenting.

Summer camp can help instill the extremely important gift of self-esteem while doing so in a natural and fun environment—a life asset that lasts well beyond summer time!

Camp offers a well-rounded experience that satisfies a child’s need for physical activity, a creative outlet, and a community-building environment.

Camp Helps Teach Social Skills

When your child attends any program where he is in a setting outside your home, he will have to abide by another set of rules, and have to interact with adults he may not know very well or at all.

Coming to camp means joining a close-knit community where everyone must agree to cooperate and respect each other. When kids attend...

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Should You Trust a Partner Who Cheated Before?

If you’ve ever had a messy breakup, you know that it’s never just over and done. There are dramatic fights, sweet reconciliations, doubt, betrayal, heartbreak … all the best of 90’s rom coms. But what happens when the movie has a sequel? How do you decide if you can give a relationship another try? What if there is a history of trust issues?

A Savvy Psychologist listener named Amy reached out recently to ask about a ghost from a relationship past. She wrote:

“I had a fiancé about 20 years ago who left me for another woman. We never really lost touch and now have rekindled. We have some great chemistry but I’ve always heard, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater.’ I’m afraid the past will keep haunting me and holding me back from giving my all and completely trusting him again.”

Amy, I want you to know, first and foremost, that anyone in your situation would be having a hard time with this dilemma. There are many feelings here -- fear, hope, doubt, perhaps a touch of resentment. And many of us can relate to the uncertainty of balancing these feelings when love and betrayal are involved.

As usual, the answer is complicated. And today, I’m not going to sugar-coat anything. We’re going to be brutally evidence-based in considering this dilemma.

First, let’s boil down the question to three things we need to consider:

• How true is the age old adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? What predicts whether a person will cheat again?
• How does past infidelity affect the quality of your relationship going forward?
• What else should we consider when trying to decide to rekindle a past relationship?

Now, let’s look at what psychological research has to say about these topics:

1. Infidelity is a mixed bag

In the movies, people fall into affairs by accident. A chance encounter. An irresistible glance. A touch of the fingertips. A whirlwind romance ensues -- one that nobody saw coming. If it’s the type of story with a happy ending, they either follow their heart and end up happily ever after with the new partner, or they feel terrible about their one-time mistake and it ends up strengthening their marriage.

In real life, infidelity is more predictable. About 2-4% of married people have had extramarital sex in the past 12 months. Who’s more likely to have done it is not totally random. There are actually some consistent predictors.

For example,...

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'Gambit,' 'Gamut,' or 'Gamble'?

Of all the shortages of things on store shelves and online shopping sites during 2020, one of the most unexpected was chess sets. It made sense that there was a run on food staples and toilet paper when people were locked down or quarantined in their homes. But, chess sets?

It appears the popularity of the Netflix mini-series “The Queen’s Gambit” caused the sudden, overwhelming demand that outpaced the supply of a game that has been around since the sixth century. But, one of the benefits, aside from more people learning to play chess, is that now we can more easily understand and remember the word “gambit.”  

“The Queen’s Gambit” was based on a novel of the same name written by Walter Tevis in 1983. It is a story about an orphaned girl who becomes a chess prodigy and top player around the world. The title for that fictional tale is borrowed from a strategic move some players use at the beginning of a chess game. 

Gambit

In chess, a gambit is an opening move where a player starts the game by purposely sacrificing a piece (usually a pawn) in order to gain an advantage over an opponent. There are many gambits in the game of chess, some of which are named after people, places, and even animals. Others, such as the queen’s gambit, are named after chess pieces. In that particular gambit, the pawn in front of the queen is moved two spaces and then the pawn in front of the bishop next to the queen is moved two spaces. The goal is to gain control of the chess board.

But gambits are not limited to chess, and they don’t have to involve a sacrifice. In other areas, “gambit” has a sense of simply being an opening maneuver or something you do to gain an advantage. People might employ gambits in business or politics, for example. One could say there are a gamut of gambits.

Gamut

The word “gamut” refers to an entire range or scope of something. The etymology of “gamut” can be traced back to a musical context where it referred to a complete range of notes or pitches. But, just as the word “gambit” is not limited to chess, “gamut” is not limited to music. Some of...

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'Bring' Versus 'Take'

Today's topic is "bring" versus "take." I’ll give you an overview of the basics, and then I’ll tell you about some interesting variations in Ireland and the southern United States.

A lot of listeners have asked me to talk about "bring" and "take" over the years. Here's a recent caller:

"Hi, Grammar Girl. This is Sue from Clive, Iowa, and I heard your recent podcast about 'borrow' and 'lend' and how people tend to get this confused, and it reminded me of something that may or may not be equivalent to that. Years ago, I was renting a room to a woman from France for the summer, and she was telling me about how a bunch of her co-workers were going go out to the lake and have a cookout and a picnic, and she said that one of her co-workers was going to bring her to the lake. And that just sounded wrong to me, but I couldn't really explain why. With 'borrow' and 'lend,' the person providing whatever it is is always the lender lending something, and the person receiving whatever that is is always the borrower or borrowing, but what about 'bring' and 'take'? I'm kind of confused. If I am going to give a ride to a party to a friend, am I bringing the friend to the party or am I taking the friend to the party? Love your show. Thanks a lot. Bye."

Thanks, Sue. I’ll start with the basics, and then get to why these words can be tricky.

What is the difference between 'bring' and 'take'?

Whether you use "bring" or "take" generally depends on your point of reference for the action. You ask people to bring things to the place you are, and you take things to the place you are going. As one listener named Simone put it, you bring things here and take things there.

You ask people to bring things to you, and you take things or people to other people or places. 

'Bring' or 'take' examples

You ask someone to bring you coffee, and you take the dog to the dog park. You ask people to bring you good news, and you take your camera to the beach.

You ask people to bring things to you, and you take things to other people.

For example, I could ask Aardvark to bring Squiggly to my house Friday. If Fenster later asks Aardvark to go fishing that day, Aardvark would decline with disappointment and say, "I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I promised to take Squiggly to Grammar Girl’s house Friday." 

Aardvark would always rather go fishing.

So, I am asking Aardvark to bring Squiggly because I am at the destination—my house...

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12 Tips to Get Your Picky Toddler to Eat

When we are faced with the immense responsibilities of parenthood, our children's nutritional intake and growth becomes a vital daily concern. For me, feeding my kids well-balanced meals is something I think of every day — but it’s not always easy. 

The first year of life consists of seemingly-endless feedings — babies are growing very rapidly and require a lot of nutrition, and hence a good portion of your time may be spent feeding.  So it can be frustrating when your kids abruptly reach toddlerhood, hit the dreadful appetite slump, and slow down their intake.

What happened, you may be wondering?  All of a sudden, it may seem like they don’t want to eat any longer.  And they may turn out to be extremely picky. Here are some complaints I repeatedly hear from parents when describing their toddler mealtime behaviors:

• The various foods on their plates can’t touch or may be considered “tainted” — goodness forbid you serve a mixed food such as a casserole! 

• They can’t seem to get enough of that pasta with red sauce today, but for whatever reason they seem repulsed by it the following day.

• Getting them to try new foods? Forget it — it's worse than pulling teeth. 

• You spend so much time, thought, and effort to prepare a meal that will be pleasing to the little tyke, only to become devastated when the first thing your toddler does is throw it on the floor without even so much as trying a bite.

Does this sound familiar? It can truly be maddening as a parent to try to feed a picky toddler, and it may often feel as though you are fighting a war with your own child at mealtimes.  Parents get understandably frustrated, sometimes to the point of a power struggle between a concerned parent and a stubborn toddler seeking to declare his independence (Just hope it’s not a glimpse into his upcoming teenaged years). 

Thankfully, I’ve been there, done that.  I have twin girls — two intensely picky, rambunctious, tantrum-throwing toddlers.  Double whammies at meal times for us, but we’re progressing nicely.  So…if we can achieve mealtime peace, so can you.

What Is “Normal” Toddler Appetite?

Infants may gain up to 15 pounds in the first year of life.  But after that rapid period of growth, they start to slow down after age 1 and normally gain only about 4-5 pounds per year...

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The True Story of A Band of Female Resistance Fighters in WWII

While we put the finishing touches on the next season of Unknown History, today we're sharing another bonus clip from our friends at Macmillan Audio. This excerpt comes from Gwen Strauss' The Nine: The True Story of a Band of Women Who Survived the Worst of Nazi Germany.

The Nine follows the true story of the author’s great-aunt Hélène Podliasky, who led a band of nine female resistance fighters as they escaped a German forced labor camp and made a ten-day journey across the front lines of WWII from Germany back to Paris. 

The women smuggled arms through Europe, harbored parachuting agents, coordinated communications between regional sectors, trekked escape routes to Spain and hid Jewish children in scattered apartments. They were arrested by French police and and tortured by the Gestapo. They were imprisoned, deported, and forced into hiding. At last, during the final days of the war, forced onto a death march, the nine chose their moment and made a daring escape.

This heart-stopping story is a moving tribute to the power of humanity and friendship in the darkest of times.

Click the red audio player above to listen to the excerpt. If you enjoy it and want to hear more, you can get your copy today here or wherever books or audiobooks are sold.

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How to Add More Dimensions to Your Social Media Photo Posts

It’s becoming more common to make obvious, artistic edits to otherwise normal pictures when sharing a post on social media. 

Much like Instagram and Snapchat filters affected the way people interact with their photos, great photo editing apps give users a way to make sure the picture they share tells the story they want it to. This can include a specialized filter, a special effect, or even adding in additional visual elements.

Photo editing apps are changing social media

Social media has always been a way to express yourself online. In the early days, almost every picture on Instagram used one of their innovative filters. However, it was difficult to do much more than make a photo sepia or increase the saturation. Most complex photo-editing software was still expensive and hard to use.

As the technology became more accessible, more social media users began adopting it. At first, apps like Facetune were touted as a great way to make your face and body look nicer, but as the appetite for authenticity in social media rises, users learned how to make overt edits that help them express their artistic sides, rather than only smoothing away a wrinkle.

Today’s social media users are embracing edits as a way to turn smartphone snaps into icons of pop surrealism. 

With AI-enhanced photo editing technology, you get to use your photo to tell the story you want in just a few taps. With a color edit, or by adding in some decorative elements like clouds or geometric shapes, you can expand on the two-dimensional nature of your picture and share more of what you were feeling or thinking. 

How do these photo-editing apps work?

The premise of using one of these apps is simple. First, you download it. Then, you upload a picture to it. From there, most apps offer a range of different editing options. You can add them one at a time until you’ve elevated your original picture to an artistic edit...

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8 Things You Must Give Up for More Financial Success

We talk a lot about what you need to do to be financially successful. But sometimes succeeding isn't about what you do so much as what you don't. 

I recently watched Last Chance U, a Netflix docuseries about collegiate football players who are struggling for success despite being incredibly talented athletes. Each of the young men got kicked out of Division I schools for different reasons. Now, they’re forced to prove themselves by playing ball at the junior college level. They hope to graduate and catch the attention of a recruiter so they can return to Division I football.

Last Chance U is a great series, and not just because the boys are full of personality. As a viewer, it’s easy to see what’s holding the players back, and you’re rooting for each one to turn it around while there’s still time.

The show inspired me to consider that making positive changes in your life and finances isn’t necessarily about doing more but instead may come down to what you should get rid of. Let's talk about eight things you must give up to have more success, no matter how you define it. 

1. Give up unhealthy habits

Getting sick can not only drain your energy, but it can drain your finances. It’s challenging to enjoy success when you’re not physically and mentally healthy. Taking care of yourself by dropping unhealthy habits is where it all starts. 

There’s no end to the benefits that come from eating high-quality, unprocessed foods, and giving up too much fast food, alcohol, and sugar in your diet. Living longer, maintaining a healthy weight, and feeling good are just a few of the upsides. We often forget that nutrition affects us on a cellular level, and a poor diet is the cause of many chronic illnesses.

Getting plenty of exercise and sleeping at least eight hours a night can work like a miracle. You’ll have more energy, feel happier, look better, and crank out better work. Adding extra movement into your routine—such as a quick 10-minute walk, taking a yoga class, or playing on a sports team—will clear your mind and help you stay focused on what’s most important to you.

RELATED: Nutrition Diva and Get-Fit Guy

2. Give up perfectionism...

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Is Caffeine Good or Bad for You?

Are you a regular coffee drinker? Do you sometimes worry that caffeine might be bad for your health? Well, there’s no need to feel guilty about your little coffee habit.  In fact, caffeine has been found to have a lot of positive health benefits and, despite what you may have heard, relatively few drawbacks.

Positive effects of caffeine

People who drink coffee every day have a significantly lower risk of diabetes, Parkinson’s, colon cancer, gallstones, and Alzheimer’s disease. Now, that may not all be due to caffeine. Coffee contains a lot of volatile compounds and antioxidants that may have beneficial effects by themselves, or in combination with caffeine.

For example, drinking tea doesn’t seem to reduce your risk of diabetes, even though tea contains caffeine. On the other hand, people who drink decaffeinated coffee do have a reduced risk, but decaf only seems to work about half as well as caffeinated coffee.

It’s definitely the caffeine that protects against Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, though. Not only does caffeine stimulate the brain and central nervous system, but it appears to protect it as well. Caffeine doesn’t make you any smarter but it does makes you more alert and boosts your ability to concentrate, which can make you a better test taker or a better driver.

The benefits of caffeine start kicking in when you consume a cup of coffee or a couple of cups of black tea every day. The positive effects really start piling up when you drink three or four cups of coffee a day or the equivalent. People who drink seven or eight cups a day may get even a little more benefit in terms of neuroprotection, but also have a higher risk of ill effects, such as jitters, agitation, or sleep disruption.

Does caffeine cause or treat headaches?

Caffeine can also relieve headaches. In fact, the popular headache medicine Excedrin contains as much caffeine as a big cup of coffee.  Headaches, especially tension-type headaches, are often accompanied by increased blood flow to the brain. Ths puts pressure on the nerves and causes pain. Caffeine is a vasoconstrictor, meaning that it constricts blood vessels, and this can relieve headache pain. In fact, adding caffeine to a pain reliever like Tylenol can increase the effectiveness by up to 40%. 

If you drink coffee, tea, or other caffeinated beverages regularly, stopping suddenly can also bring on a headache. In fact, it's hypothesized that caffeine withdrawal may contribute to post-operative pain -- because patients typically skip their regular morning cup on the day of surgery. And one study even found that adding a bit of caffeine to the IV liquid for patients recovering from surgery made them quite a bit more comfortable! It can also help...

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13 Grilling Hacks You Need This Summer

Pre-BBQ cleaning hacks

Green cleaning for the grill

Grill cleaners often contain harsh chemicals. But if you want to remove rust and sanitize your grill, you can use a simple lemon. Just cut in half and rub on the grill grate.

Get set for BBQ season

Make sure your outdoor grill is prepped anytime you want to call it into action. Clean the grates by placing them in the tub and covering with very hot water and 1 cup each ammonia and dishwasher detergent. Cover with old fabric softener sheets and soak overnight. The next day, don your rubber gloves, scrub away, and watch the grease dissolve.

Check out Grammar Girl's article "Grill or Grille?" to remember when to use which spelling. 

Grill-cleaning muscle for less

Save on expensive grill cleaners by simply using WD-40 instead. Get rid of charred food stuck to the grill by removing it from the barbecue and spraying it with the oil. Let sit for 5 to 10 minutes, then wipe off and clean with soap and water.

Post-BBQ cleaning hacks

Foil that mess

When you’re done grilling, place a large piece of aluminum foil over the entire top of your grill, then put the top back on and let it sit for 10 to 15 minutes. The caked-on mess from the burgers and hot dogs will turn to ash.

The cleaner from the produce section

Your barbecued chicken was a hit, but your grill is a mess. What to do? Poke half an onion, dipped in vegetable oil, on your grill fork, and scrub it over the hot grates. The onion’s enzymes will break down grime, and the oil will help soften the grilled-on gunk.

Nutrition Diva's article "Does Grilled Meat Cause Cancer?" discusses how to minimize the health risks sometimes found in grilled meat. 

Today’s news: a clean grill

Another great way to clean your grill is with wet newspaper. After cooking, just place it on a warm grill for 1 hour with the lid closed. You’ll be amazed how easily the grime comes off.

Dress your grill

Don’t spend big money on a grill cover! Just look for an inexpensive poncho at a discount store—it’ll do the trick and protect your grill just as well.

Protect your grill

Make sure squirrels, mice, and other critters don’t chew through the rubber pipeline that connects your propane tank with your grill—reinforce the entire thing with duct tape. This step is a good idea for anything else in your yard made out of rubber, as it’s a favorite chew toy of rodents...

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How to Raise a Child Who Loves to Move

Biomechanist and bestselling author Katy Bowman has written another book called Grow Wild: The Whole-Child, Whole-Family, Nature-Rich Guide to Moving More and this time it is all about getting kids and their families moving more, together, outside.

Katy has been on the Get-Fit Guy podcast before talking about how walking is the superfood of movement and also giving us advice about how to choose a coach. I also quote her on a regular basis, pretty much whenever I sound the alarm on how human movement is currently at an all-time low. In her new book, she highlights how our children are currently facing both a movement and nature deficiency. They are both spending more time indoors and moving less than any other generation throughout human history.

As we and our kids turn more frequently to the modern comforts and conveniences of tech-based solutions, many tasks that once required head-to-toe use of our muscles and bones can be done with a poke and a swipe. Without even really noticing it, we have gotten rid of the movement-rich environment our physical, mental, and environmental health depend on. But we have not gotten rid of our biology’s need for it.

We have gotten rid of the movement-rich environment our physical, mental, and environmental health depend on.

The good news is, as Katy will highlight for us in moment, while the problem seems impossible, the solution is actually quite simple – and fun! 

For those of you who are not familiar with Katy, she is an internationally recognized biomechanist, author, and science communicator with both the skill and passion for reintroducing movement into people’s everyday lives. Katy has also earned an international reputation for educating the general population on alignment and load-science, and as a result has helped thousands to reduce pain, increase bone density, and improve metabolic health. What I most enjoy about Katy and her life’s work is her radical, counter-culture health directives – that happen to be based on hard science.

Below is a transcript of the Q&A I had with Katy. I encourage you to listen to the audio version of this exchange but if you really prefer to read, here you go!

Movement is Counter-Culture

I started by asking Katy why she calls movement “counter-culture” especially as it relates to a child’s life?

Katy:

Something is counter-culture when it’s a practice...

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How to Show More Grit at Work

Michael Jordan. J.K. Rowling. Oprah Winfrey.

What do these names have in common? Fame and fortune, yes. But also, a tremendous number of setbacks, rejections, and failures on their resumes. ...

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5 Parenting Mistakes and Easy Fixes to Correct Them

As parents, we tend to have high expectations of ourselves. The fact is that kids don't come with an owner's manual, so we rely on our instincts and the guidance of others, particularly during the beginning years, to hopefully get it right. Even though we're trying our best, several common parenting mistakes crop up and can be detrimental over time if neglected.

These five problems may seem innocent enough but can derail your parental authority if ignored. If any are relatable, don't worry, these solutions can put you back on track.

Parenting Mistake #1: Life without rules

Before I began parenting my brood of eight, I didn't realize there were several parenting styles. Because of my 5-year-bout with infertility, I had plenty of time to daydream about how I would raise my kids. Initially, I thought it would be wise to let them have as much freedom as possible because I wanted their independence and creativity to soar. This style of parenting is known as "free-range" (and the term speaks for itself). It was coined by Lenore Skenazy, who famously let her 9-year-old son find his way home on the New York City subway system alone and wrote about it in her New York Sun column. A free-range parenting philosophy is about allowing children to grow and develop without a great deal of parental intevention.

The complete opposite of a free-range style is that of a helicopter parent, one who constantly hovers over their child so if any problem arises, they're close by to solve it for them.

I learned quickly that neither of those styles was for me, but a combination of both worked well.

The Fix: Impose boundaries

My pediatrician turned me on to one of my greatest parenting weapons—setting and enforcing boundaries. I had four kids under the age of three, and she saw how overwhelmed I was. Her advice was to create a loving home environment that included rules and limitations. She also shared that kids, including teens, secretly crave boundaries. She was right! My kids always did better when they had firm expectations.

An easy way to set boundaries is to incorporate them into your daily routines. Once your kids know what to expect, you'll be able to implement clear guidelines for all areas of your life, and you'll stay on task with an orderly and chaos-free home.

Check out the episode on...

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The Secret to Bridging Communication Gaps

Recently, a Savvy Psychologist listener named Michael H. from Ohio contacted me with a question about communication styles. He writes:

“I recently fell out of a relationship and during the breakup when my partner told me that my assertive communication style often made her feel guilty, I felt terrible that my words made her feel bad about herself ... I thought being direct and honest with my feelings was for the betterment of the relationship, but only now do I see that I failed to properly bridge the gap between our communication styles. While it breaks my heart knowing I cannot go back to fix things between us, how I can better prepare myself for partners down the road?”

First of all, I want to say to Michael: I’m sorry to hear about your breakup, but I can tell that your soul-searching and openness to growth will be wonderful assets in future relationships. Thank you for your very thoughtful question!

Second, I must say that this question really stumped me at first. If you’ve listened to the Savvy Psychologist podcast before, you know that I’m all about assertive communication, which means to express your feelings and needs honestly and directly. It’s one of the most important skills we therapists teach for improving relationships. There’s a generally acknowledged belief that, if we could all learn to be assertive, instead of passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive, there would be a lot less misunderstanding, resentment, and unnecessary conflict.

But Michael has a really good point. What if being assertive misses the mark? What if communication styles don’t match between two people? What if not everyone responds positively to what we think is assertiveness?

After some research and much reflection, I think I’ve got a few good answers for Michael and anyone else feeling stuck in unproductive communication patterns with an important person in their lives. And these include one answer that seems obvious now, but I really hadn’t expected to find. Let’s dive in:

Tip #1: Different relationships call for different communication strategies

One therapist mantra that supersedes even the “assertiveness is good” rule is this: Flexibility is key.

Just like a fluffy bejeweled unicorn costume might dazzle at an EDM concert ,but not so much at a job interview, communication strategies need to be tailored to the occasion.

In most situations, assertive communication is a good bet. Whether you’re trying to solve a conflict at work, figure out the chore wheel, or let your partner know that they have hurt your feelings… being clear and honest...

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'Bachelor's Degree' or 'Bachelors Degree'?

Dawn wants to know how to write that someone was awarded a degree. Is it "bachelor's degree," "bachelors degree," or "bachelor degree"?

If you’re getting a college degree, here’s one final bit of information that won’t be on your finals but will still be good to know: how to write about your achievement. It is singular and possessive.

Bachelor's degree: singular and possessive

Write it “bachelor’s degree,” “bachelor” with an apostrophe and an S on the end.

Think of it this way:

A bachelor isn’t just a single guy who maybe eats out a lot but is also any person who has earned a specific type of degree from a university or college. 

Chaucer was the first to use 'bachelor' to refer to an education level

The word “bachelor” appeared around the year 1300 to refer to a young knight, and according to the Oxford English Dictionary, Chaucer first used it in “Franklin’s Tale” in 1386 to refer to a person who has “taken the lowest degree at a university.” The line reads:

His fellow was that time a bachelor of law.

Now think of the degree as the property of the bachelor, with the apostrophe-s indicating possession: It is a bachelor's degree, the degree of one person with the initial level of achievement at the university.

Capitalize degrees when using the formal name

You don't capitalize degree names, unless you're writing the formal name of a particular degree: 

• Aardvark earned a bachelor's degree, mainly studying ant behavior. (“Bachelor’s degree” is lowercase because it’s descriptive.)
   
• Aardvark has a Bachelor of Science in Behavioral Dynamics of Edible Ants. (“Bachelor of Science" is the formal name of the degree, so it’s capitalized; and let’s say that “Behavioral Dynamics of Edible Ants” is the formal name of a program of much interest to aardvarks, so it’s capitalized too.)

How to abbreviate degrees is a style choice

To figure out how to abbreviate these degrees, you need to check your style guide. The Chicago Manual of Style does not recommend periods in “BS” and “MS,” (1) for example, but the AP Stylebook does. (2)

'Associate's degree' is a little different

As for an “associate degree,” the Associated Press recommends just that: "associate degree," (2) but the Chicago Manual of Style simply points out that both “associate degree” and “associate’s degree” are in wide use. (3) For...

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Bonus: Understanding Digital Body Language

Ever dwelled on the hidden meaning of a punctuation mark in a casual text message? Or worried about what it means when someone uses read receipts? Or have you accidentally interrupted a colleague during a video call and awkwardly fumbled to decide who should talk first? These small moments can make ordinary digital exchanges tense and anxiety-provoking.

In the new audiobook Digital Body Language, author Erica Dhawan explains that these challenges result from a lack of body language. Humans rely on body language to connect and build trust. But with most of our communication happening from behind a screen, traditional body language signals are getting lost and misinterpreted. 

Fortunately, we don't have to live with the ambiguity. In Digital Body Language, Dhawan proposes a path forward. She will turn your daily misunderstandings into a set of collectively understood laws that foster connection, no matter the distance. She investigates a wide array of exchanges—from large conferences and video meetings to daily emails, texts, instant messages, and conference calls—and offers insights and solutions to build trust and clarity in our ever-changing world.

Click on the red audio player above to listen to an excerpt from the audiobook. And if you like what you hear, you can pick up your own copy of Digital Body Language wherever books or audiobooks are sold. 

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7 Secrets of Writing Effective Dialogue

Whether you're writing fiction or creative nonfiction, there are three primary elements to a story: action, narration, and dialogue.

Or to put it another way, what they DID, what they SAW, and what they SAID.

Dialogue lets you illustrate themes and convey ideas through a character's spoken response to the situations and people they encounter. Your characters can express deep emotions with what they say, sometimes more than they can with unspoken actions and unvoiced feelings.

Without dialogue, you don't have a story, you have an essay.

But writing dialogue can be tricky, and it's an art unto itself. You want your written dialogue to sound natural, not clunky or forced. You want to share just enough information with your reader, without oversharing or having your characters act as the narrator.

So here are seven dialogue writing secrets to help you master this art.

1. Show, don't tell

Every writer has heard this advice, but it's worth repeating because too many people fall into what you might call the Radio Theater Trap.

Often, old-time radio theater would rely on the actors to narrate what was happening in the story, only they did it very badly. For example, you might hear an actor say, "Why do you have a gun in your right hand?"

This immediately tells the listener what's going on, but it's clunky and unrealistic. No one would actually say that in real life, which is what your dialogue is supposed to reflect. Avoid the temptation to have your characters tell us what the narration or action should explain.

To better convey the same image, you might say: "Jan heard an unmistakable click behind her. 'Watch where you point that thing,' she said."

The phrase "unmistakable click," and Jan's statement "Watch where you point that thing!" gives us enough context about what's going on without having it spelled out through clunky dialogue.

2. Write like people talk

Unless you're writing a story set in late-18th century England, no one sounds like Mr. Darcy from “Pride & Prejudice”: "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Yes, it sounds beautiful, but people aren't so stuffy and formal in real life these days. Here's another example:

"I cannot think of a single reason on earth why people would make the decision to sound unnatural when they speak," said Diane.

Compare that to: "Why would anyone would talk like that?" said Diane.

You may have to write in a formal way for work, but it doesn...

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How to Become a Better Listener

It is almost seven P.M. on a July evening in Santa Fe, and the sky is still a bright, azure blue. I sit on a bench amid trees and flowers. Birds chirp in the tree nearby. I can’t see them, hidden in the tapestry of leaves, but I hear them as clearly as if they are next to me on the bench. Farther in the distance, a raven caws. Is it communicating with my nearby songbirds, or is its conversation unrelated? Farther off, a dog barks. A light breeze shifts the tall purple flowers by my bench and they rustle against one another as they sway back and forth. A car passes by, its engine quieter than its heavy wheels crunching through the gravel below. Far in the distance, a horn honks on the main throughway. Wings flutter as a bird lights to the sky, gliding away and out of sight. Nearby, the songbirds’ chatter has slowed, but they still sing, a tuneful discussion in the greenery above. Earlier, it sounded as if they were all speaking at once. Now they seem to be taking turns. Are they listening to each other?

And what does it mean, to listen? What does it mean for us in our everyday lives? We listen to our environment, whether it is the chirping of birds or the commotion of the city streets—or perhaps we don’t listen, tuning it out instead. We listen to others—or perhaps we wish we listened better. Others listen to us—or we wish they did. We listen for our instincts, our hunches, our guidance—and perhaps we wish we could hear them more clearly and more often. The listening path asks us to tune into the many cues and clues that surround us every day. It asks us to take a moment to stop and listen—and argues that the moment spent tuning in, especially when we think we “don’t have time,” doesn’t take time, but gives us time . . . and gives us clarity, connection, and direction as well. Listening is something we all do—and something we can all do more of. Every life can be improved by improving our listening. The listening path is a gentle path, with tools along the way to become better listeners—to our environment, our fellows, and ourselves.

This book will serve as a guide, urging the reader to listen more carefully and to listen in deeper and deeper ways. When we listen, we pay attention. And the reward for attention is always healing. The listening path brings us healing, insight, and clarity. It brings us joy and perspective. Above all, it bring us connection.

The Path to Deeper Listening

Over the next six weeks, you will be guided to expand your own listening, one level at a time. Each form of listening builds upon the next. I have learned that if we consciously work to listen, our listening deepens quickly. Deepening our listening is not time consuming so much as it is a matter of paying attention. This...

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Video: Monster Squat Jumps

In this video, I demonstrate how to do what I call Monster Squat Jumps -- a combination of monster walks and squat jumps done in sequence. 

The great thing about mixing these exercises all together is that you get well rounded workout that you can do anywhere (that has a high enough ceiling). And, if you follow the order that I do the exercises in, you don't even need to warm-up before doing them (but of course, you can).

• Basic deep squats.
• Add in squat jump.
• Throw in some lateral Monster Walks in between each jump.

Pro tips: Stick your butt out behind you before you squat down, absorb as much of your landing by squatting deeply, use your arms to help propel you off the ground. 

This is a heck of a great way to build some explosive power (from the jumps), strength (from the squats), and an excellent way to get your heart rate up (cardio, if you will) all at the same time. And if you're like me, someone who doesn't want his dedicated exercise time to take up too much of his day, this combo is a meaningful workout and a time saver. 

You can learn more about how to work on your squat in this video and my article called 5+ Benefits of Squatting and How to Prepare.

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3 Tips for Responding to Impromptu Questions

When responding to an impromptu question, the idea is to structure your response for clarity, brevity, and impact. By learning and implementing these 3 impromptu response structures, your answers will always sound organized and confident:

1. PREP: Position, Reason, Example, Position (PREP). In this model, first you state your position on the topic, and then you state your reason for taking that position. Next, you provide an example or story that supports your reason. Finally, you summarize by restating your position.

2. PEP: Point, Example, Point (PEP). It’s easier than the first one and can be used to answer a wider variety of questions. Start by briefly making a point or stating a key idea or objective. Then you give an example or story that proves your point. Then you wrap up by restating the main idea, or your main point. When you are short on time, this is the way to go.

3. Divide & Conquer: The final structure calls for you to quickly think of a way to divide up your response. There are a few classic two and three part divisions that you’ll want to memorize such as: past, present, future; problem, solution; cost, benefit; us, them; ideal, real; low, medium, high. Of course, there are many of these, so try to practice the ones that are common to your field. These are easy, you just pick an appropriate division and then include a little bit for each section.  

 

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Big Money-Saving Benefits of Travel Insurance

UPDATE OLDER ARTICLE: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/money-finance/insurance/big-money-saving-benefits-of-travel-insurance

If you love the idea of traveling but are worried that your plans could backfire due to a pandemic-related issues or other unforeseen mishaps, it's time to learn more about travel insurance. Having the protection of a travel policy can be just the ticket to help you feel confident about chasing adventure this year.

While you might be thinking that travel insurance is an unnecessary expense, I've found it to be surprisingly affordable. This episode will explain the benefits of travel insurance, tips to buy the best policy, where to shop, and when purchasing travel insurance makes financial sense. Once you understand its significant benefits, you'll never skip travel insurance again!

What is travel insurance?

A travel policy is an often-overlooked coverage that you can customize based on where you're going, the risks you face along the journey, and your personal circumstances. Similar to different types of car insurance, travel insurance is a bundle of individual coverages. 

Travel insurance can protect you from various situations ranging from an inconvenience (such as losing your luggage or getting stranded due to bad weather) to having a life-threatening medical emergency requiring an airlift to the nearest hospital.

Keep reading to find out five primary coverages you get from a travel policy.

What does travel insurance cover?

Getting travel insurance is all about having peace of mind and saving money when unexpected expenses pop up during a trip. Here are five coverages that can make travel insurance a wise purchase that enhances your vacation:

1. Luggage 

Missing, delayed, or damaged baggage could put a real damper on your vacation. This coverage reimburses you for lost items and pays a daily amount for purchasing...

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Can Natural Sunscreens Protect Your Skin?

Anna writes:

“I’ve been seeing articles about making your own natural sunscreen from plant oils. Are these really enough to protect my skin from UV damage? What about supplements that are supposed to act as internal' sunscreen?”

Thanks to extensive messaging campaigns from the American Academy of Dermatology and others, most of us are well aware of the dangers of UV radiation.  Unprotected exposure to the sun's rays can lead to potentially lethal skin cancers, as well as accelerated aging.  But before I dig into Anna's question about skin protection, let me take this opportunity to dispel a couple of dangerous skin cancer myths.

Skin cancer does not just affect fair-skinned people. People of all skin colors can get skin cancer--and skin cancers in Black and Hispanic people are more likely to go undiagnosed until they are in a late stage, when treatment is more difficult.

Another common misperception is that skin cancers only form on areas of the body that are exposed to sunlight.  When checking your skin for suspicious moles or spots, be sure to check the soles of the feet and other areas of the body that are typically covered. 

Finally, if you do find a suspicious mole, you shouldn't wait until your next annual physical to get it checked. Melanoma, which is the most deadly form of cancer, can become life-threatening in as little as six weeks. 

Skin cancer does not just affect fair-skinned people. People of all skin colors can get skin cancer.

Are chemical sunscreens safe?

Covering your skin with clothing or shading your face with a hat can offer protection from the sun's rays. For skin that's regularly exposed to the sky, diligent application of sunscreen is the best protection. But recent studies have raised concerns about the chemical sunscreens that are most widely used in commercial sunscreen products.

A study published in JAMA (The Journal of the American Medical Association) in 2020 found that the chemicals found in these products (avobenzone, oxybenzone, octocrylene, homosalate, octisalate, and octinoxate) are absorbed into the body when applied to the skin.  After three weeks of daily sunscreen use, these compounds could be detected in the blood of subjects. Although we don't know for sure what the consequences of having these chemicals in our blood might be, there are concerns about effects on the endocrine system.  It's quite clear, however, that these chemicals are harmful to ocean life. (Just this year, Hawaii banned the sale...

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Since When is An Email a Rorschach Test?

In 1921, the Swiss psychiatrist Hermann Rorschach invented the Rorschach test, also known as the inkblot test. This psychological test asks the subject to evaluate a series of inkblots and report what shapes or images they see. Then the subject’s perceptions are assessed to determine their thought processes, preoccupations, and personality. For example, when you look at one of the inkblots, do you see the wings of a bat or a butterfly? Two hands cupped in prayer? The answers say next to nothing about the inkblot, but they reveal a lot about how you function emotionally.

At work, we come up against the equivalent of inkblots every day. Here’s one in the form of an email: 

From: Jane Robinson

To: Erica Dhawan

Re: 

Why didn’t you finish this? -Jane

At first glance, this is a straightforward bit of communication, probably written in a hurry. But what does Jane’s email really mean? Is this just how she learned to send emails in business school, or is there something else going on, e.g., a digital power play?

I’ll throw it back to you, Rorschach style, as we explore two common types of anxiety-provoking digital body language. 

• Brevity

• Passive-aggressiveness

Brevity

An early experience I had working at a large consulting firm taught me a lot about how stressful short, to-the-point communications can be. At the time, I thought I understood signals and...

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