How to Manage Your Anger and Frustration as a Parent

There are so many ways in which being with children can fill your heart with a kind of glowing love that feels almost surreal. An unprompted “Thank you so much, Papa!” or, “I made this for you because you’re the best ever!” can really warm the cockles of your heart.

But there always be times when you find yourself clenching your teeth and thinking: “If I have to answer this question one. more. time. I’m going to throw this glass right at the wall!” Or your child whines to you about how they wish they were with their other parent right now “instead of YOU!” And all the sacrifices you’ve made for this tiny human flash through your mind as you hear yourself saying, “Yeah? Well GUESS WHAT?!” and things go downhill from there.

Today, we’re talking about your anger as a parent: what it is, how it works, how to regulate it, and how to know when it’s a problem for you and your children.

The mechanics of anger

While we all experience anger, it's important to actually define what it is we're talking about here.

Anger is an emotional state that can vary in duration, intensity, and frequency within a person and between people. It starts with physiological arousal and reactivity in response to any situation you perceive as aversive, threatening, or unfair. Outside of your conscious control, your nervous system automatically switches into survival mode of the “fight” variety.

This aroused state brings your hypervigilance online. You begin to see others and the world as threatening or hostile, which then increases your reactivity, generating a feedback loop. Your facial expression, body posture, the tone and volume of your voice, the words you use, and the actions you take help to communicate your anger to others.

Outside of your conscious control, your nervous system automatically switches into survival mode of the “fight” variety.

You can be in an angry state (state anger), or you might be particularly predisposed to becoming angry such that anger is a trait (trait anger) of yours. Evolutionarily, fight mode is adaptive and might have helped you (and therefore your future offspring) survive an attack by a predator or allowed you to establish dominance with your fellow mammals. In the modern world—and especially as a parent—you need to be able to moderate your anger in order to get your needs met in non-hurtful ways. If you struggle with emotional regulation your anger can become controlling, rejecting, or aggressive—verbally or physically.

The anger pathways of your brain can become so accustomed to firing that your...

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