Like many parents who want to shift from control-based parenting to collaboration-based parenting, you likely just want things to get better, to feel easier. You want both you and your child to feel good about your interactions. When you use some respectful parenting tools that you’ve learned, your child responds with less resistance than usual—and you feel encouraged! Maybe things can change!
When the next challenging situation arises, however, that same approach doesn’t result in cooperation. Since she's back to being the same challenging kid she was last week, you decide that clearly this respectful parenting stuff doesn’t work with your kid. Your kid needs tough love, not this coddling, respectful stuff!
I hear you! It can seem that way. But maybe what’s happening is that your child just needs more instances of her voice being heard, felt, and considered by you. You could take more opportunities to show her that putting her guard down with you is a safe thing to do. Then she could begin to see that letting you know how she feels can be fruitful and actually lead to getting her needs met. When she’s able to string together multiple experiences of you validating her emotions, she can start to trust that this it’s the new normal.
When it comes to improving the parent-child dynamic, there's only one person you have any real control over: yourself.
The challenge is that respectful parenting requires a genuine desire to understand your child’s perspective and an underlying consciousness of acceptance, especially when they’re behaving in challenging ways. Otherwise, you’re just parroting "respectful" phrases while still trying to control and change your child—just in a nice way. When it comes to improving the parent-child dynamic, there's only one person you have any real control over: yourself.
Changing your behavior changes the “dance” between you and your child. Some kids, feeling confused by this change, will try to reestablish the old dance that they know best. They need repeated experiences of your commitment to your new dance steps. The problem is that it can be easier to white-knuckle through your child’s expressions of emotion than it is to really show acceptance.
Today, I’m talking about the concept of validation. Here are 9 ways to express that you are truly and deeply interested in your child’s perspective—even when you don’t agree—that can help you begin to rebuild the trust you need to send your relationship with them in a new direction.
1. Give full attention to your child
Put your technology, your book, or your activity aside for the moment. Let your child know...
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