Welcome to the new and improved Relationship Doctor podcast! I’m Dr. Rachel Vanderbilt and I’m providing advice backed by relationship science to help make your relationships healthier and happier. In today’s episode we will discuss cohabitation, specifically, the consequences of moving in together before marriage.
When I moved to Florida for graduate school, my boyfriend at the time moved across the country with me. In my first semester, I took a course on the communication theories of close relationships. In that class, we were shown data from the 1980s and 1990s, which indicated that moving in with a romantic partner without being married was associated with an increased risk of divorce.
I remember panicking. My boyfriend and I were currently living together and most of my classmates were living with their romantic partners as well. Were we all doomed to heartache?
Since 65% of adults in the United States agree that it’s a good idea to live with a romantic partner before getting married, these findings were surprising. But when a team of researchers probed deeper into the data, they identified a reason for the negative effects of premarital cohabitation. They called this phenomenon “sliding vs. deciding.” Turns out that living together before marriage isn’t inherently bad. Instead, it’s the content of conversations around moving in together prior to marriage that impacted the success of the relationship. Specifically, people who slide into living together do so primarily out of convenience, whereas people who decide to move in together communicate about the implications of doing so beforehand. To understand these differences, let’s consider two couples.
When a team of researchers probed deeper into the data, they identified a reason for the negative effects of premarital cohabitation. They called this phenomenon “sliding vs. deciding.”
Our first couple, Kate and Jake, have been dating for about a year. They each have their own apartments, but Kate has found her apartment to be a little small. She already spends all of her time at Jake’s apartment because it is bigger, in a nicer area, and is generally more comfortable. Slowly over time, Kate has moved the majority of her stuff into Jake’s place. The time rolls around for Kate to renew her lease and since it would be easier to just move the rest of Kate’s stuff over to Jake’s house to save some money on rent, they decide to move in together.
Our second couple, Morgan and Frankie, have also...
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