Never Use Secret Tests in Your Relationship

It can be frustrating when a partner, or potential partner, behaves in a way that makes you feel uncertain:

"Why aren’t they texting me first? I am always the one texting first. What if they are interested in other people when they are out with friends? Do I have to worry about them flirting with other people? If another romantic opportunity presented itself, would they actually flirt with them, or worse, try to pursue something with them?"

This uncertainty is normal as feelings grow in a new relationship, or as you start to become more serious with a romantic partner. But watch out: these feelings can sometimes manifest in some pretty unhealthy behaviors as we try to understand our partner’s intentions or how they really feel. One of these behaviors is known as a "secret test."

What is a secret test?

If you're worried about a partner's lack of interest, a common piece of advice you might hear is to withhold sending that first text. If you feel like you always make the move to initiate conversations, try to force their hand! If your partner reaches out to you, then it's a sign they're interested, but if they don’t, then they aren’t actually interested in you and you should move on.

This is an example of what researchers call a “secret test.” Secret tests are when you behave in a predetermined way to see how your partner will respond in order to assess the state of your relationship.

Don't follow this advice! Secret tests can be harmful to your mental health and to your relationship. They can make you ruminate about your problems, make up scenarios in which your partner fails, and then stress about whether your partner is going to live up to your expectations. Secret tests are often a sign of a deteriorating relationship, one where trust isn’t present, or the self-esteem of the partner creating the test is low.

Secret tests can be harmful to your mental health and to your relationship.

7 categories of secret tests

What behaviors actually qualify as secret tests? Here are seven categories of secret tests researchers have identified:

1. Asking third parties. Going to a third party, such as a friend or family member of your partner’s, to ask them how your partner feels about you is a secret test. Although indirect, you are seeking out information about how your partner is feeling about you...

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