How to Survive Age Three

Three-year-olds are coming into their sense of self and beginning to feel proud and excited about their increasing abilities. Children at this age have some developing self-control and are noticing more how others might be feeling. Motor movements are becoming smoother and faster and there is much excitement about doing things together with caregivers and being a "helper."

Louise Bates Ames, who wrote and collaborated on a series of books on child development from birth to age 14, describes the half year before a child’s fourth birthday as being a time of disequilibrium and turbulence, where they are more at odds with themselves and their environment - more clumsy, emotional, confused, and temperamental than they are during the prior six months. Tasks that were easily accomplished just weeks ago the child suddenly has difficulty completing.

Parents require a lot from a 3.5-year-old throughout the day, which means ample opportunities for outright refusal to comply. Your first tool for reducing meltdowns and behavior issues is to reduce the amount of requests and requirements to the bare minimum - let the child lead whenever it’s possible and appropriate and try not to let yourself be drawn into power struggles.

Your Three-Year-Old in a Nutshell

A child of 3.5 is more irritable, insecure, and dealing with built-up tension that might lead to self-soothing behaviors like finger sucking or feeling extremely attached to a lovey. Dressing, eating, and bedtime can become a battle of wills, and some parents meet their child’s staunch resistance with a lot of resistance of their own. Imaginative and pretend play are becoming exciting for 3.5-year-olds, but they can switch from playing to being controlling to weeping in bitter disappointment all in the same minute. This can be exhausting for caregivers.

Not every 3-year-old is the same, and yours may be very different from these descriptions - it’s important to understand your unique child. But those parents for whom these descriptors ring true - often just knowing that these behaviors are a normal part of developmental growth that will eventually pass can give parents some relief and help them be creative in managing the challenges of this stage.

Struggling Child, Frustrated Parent

Recently, I got a request from the parent of a 3.5-year-old struggling with behavior challenges. The parent writes:

"My 3.5-year-old constantly fights me on simple requests, won't listen to me, and then acts up. I’m wondering if I should be taking away a privilege at these times to start to teach him consequences. For example, at a...

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