Online Dating: Should I Skip the Small Talk?

Welcome to the new and improved Relationship Doctor podcast! I’m Dr. Rachel Vanderbilt and I’m providing advice backed by relationship science to help make your relationships healthier and happier. In today’s episode we will discuss conversations you should have if you are using a dating app before meeting face-to-face.

My friend Rose is on the dating market right now. She has been using dating apps for a few months and feels like she is having the same conversations about the same old topics over and over again like they are following a set script. Sometimes she has decent banter with someone online, but when it comes time to meet in person, her dates seem to fizzle out. She is discouraged.

This perception that messaging on dating apps is monotonous and boring has led some so-called-experts to suggest that people should skip the small talk and just go on dates. Although it may feel lame at first, having small talk is actually really important and isn’t something to skip.

Research has identified that as we meet new people, we feel the urge to reduce our uncertainty about them. Uncertainty in these moments typically comes from a desire to assess compatibility. If you are meeting someone new, you don’t know anything about them—what do they like? What do they dislike? Are they a cat or a dog person? What are their goals and aspirations? Do they have hobbies and would I enjoy doing those hobbies with them? 

The end-goal of this small talk is to make a decision about whether or not you want to move forward with that relationship. Perhaps more importantly, the person you are getting to know is also assessing their potential compatibility with you. To underscore the importance of having this small talk, I am going to present the experiences of two people using dating apps:

Let’s go back to my friend Rose. Since she’s sick of the small talk, she decides to skip it and sets up her first date with a new match, Jack, at her favorite restaurant. When they sit down to eat, they begin their small talk and she finds out that he listens to all the same music she does, that he has the same favorite vacation spot, that he likes to snowboard, just like she does. Just as it seems like they might be compatible, she learns that Jack is a salesman who is periodically in town on business. He’s not looking for anything serious, just a fun time.

The end-goal of this small talk is to make a decision about whether or not you want to move forward with that relationship. Perhaps...

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