What Gifts Will Have the Biggest Impact on Your Relationship?

I am a really bad gift giver. My husband and I both struggle to identify good gifts for one another and inevitably wind up having the, “so, what do you want for a gift this year,” conversation before every birthday or holiday. It’s not that we don’t know what the other one likes, or what things each of us might enjoy receiving. It’s just that when we have a need for something, we buy it for ourselves. For me, I want to get my husband something he is going to use—something functional for him—and not something that is just going to become clutter.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is my Dad. He believes that a great gift is something that the giftee wouldn't buy for themselves. It should be something that isn’t necessarily need-based, but rather, is something fun or exciting that will bring them joy.

During the holiday season, gift-giving is a common and expected behavior, both within and outside of our romantic relationships. We may feel a lot of pressure and stress to find the perfect gift for our partners, friends, or family. But why do we do this?

Why do we give gifts?

I want to start the research section of this episode by acknowledging that evolutionary biology can come across as somewhat gross. It often takes a hetero-normative approach to understanding the biological drives associated with certain behaviors in romantic relationships, and also removes cultural and societal context from consideration. In addition, it doesn’t consider the classist implications of some of the economic values placed on partner selection tendencies. This means that some of the content we will be reviewing may come across as somewhat un-nuanced, and may not resonate with your lived experiences.

That being said: gift-giving is one way to build and maintain our close relationships. Some theoretical perspectives suggest that we’ve evolved to engage in the practice of gift-giving from a biological imperative. Some of the earliest forms of gift-giving stem from the practice of food sharing, where one person provides some of their bounty to their family members. Other theorizing on this subject considers that gift-giving may have been driven by courtship behaviors, whereby one partner, typically male, would attempt to woo the other partner with an offering of some kind to encourage mating behaviors. 

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