How to Resolve Parenting Conflicts with Dr. Aleja Parsons

One of the most common issues I deal with in my practice is when two parents—whether they are together or parenting separately—are on very different pages when it comes to parenting styles. One parent, for instance, places a lot of value on feelings, connection, and finding mutually beneficial solutions, and one parent’s focus is getting the children to comply with directives quickly, efficiently, and without complaint.

To get some tips on this subject, I interviewed Dr. Aleja Parsons, a researcher, coach, and clinical psychologist in private practice in Brooklyn, New York.

Dr. Parsons specializes in getting couples “unstuck” from long-standing destructive patterns. She works with couples to help clarify the cycles keeping them trapped and provides tools for them to join together against the issues tearing them apart. Dr. Parsons has extensive training in working with people of color and uses a multicultural framework to help couples navigate the ways that their racial identities shape their interactions in their relationships.

Dr. Parsons’ work helps couples rediscover the love and compassion that brought them together and gives value-based goal-posts to keep them on track in maintaining the relationship they’ve always wanted. As an Assistant Professor at NYU, Dr. Parson’s research focuses on the alleviation of relationship and family distress in underrepresented populations, with a specific emphasis on Black couples and family systems.

I think you’ll enjoy our chat and come away with a better understanding of ways co-parents can learn to communicate better. 

Here are some key takeaways from our conversation:

• Get curious about the underlying emotional needs of your co-parent that are fueling the parenting behaviors you dislike.
• To increase your opportunities for open conversation and being heard yourself, connect and empathize with and verbally validate the emotional needs underneath your co-parent’s parenting behaviors.
• Resist the urge to defend your opinion and parenting stance. Focus on showing understanding of your co-parent’s position. 
• Understand that your co-parent may be unfamiliar with identifying and discussing feelings and needs. If this is the case, model identifying feelings and check in with them for clarity. “Seems like you might be irritated—is that what’s going on?” This will give your partner the opportunity to reflect on their emotional state in the moment, and models talking about feelings openly.
• Be open to hearing what’s truly going on for your co-parent without trying to talk them out of their feelings.
• Speaking aloud about parents’ underlying...

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