Did you know that during high-stress interactions with your child, your breathing pattern, your facial expressions, your voice, and your body influences your child’s physiological state and their sense of well being? That’s right, our emotions, behaviors, and the words we choose play a critical role in the level of fear, frustration, and stress that lie at the root of our kids' challenging behaviors. When we tune into our own physiological state, we can start to consciously de-escalate conflicts and increase connection.
It’s common for parents to focus on eliminating challenging behaviors without considering their underlying cause. Child development expert Dr. Mona Delahooke describes bad behaviors as the tip of an iceberg peeking out of the water. What you can’t see beneath the surface is a child’s internal perceptions and sensations, their thoughts, emotions, memories, ideas, and intentions. Other contributing factors not often considered are the child’s developmental capacities and cognitive abilities. So, looking below the surface of behaviors can give you clues to what’s going on for your child.
Searching for Safety
Dr. Stephen Porges describes the physiological underpinnings of challenging behaviors in his Polyvagal Theory. At all times, and without conscious awareness, parts of the brain are constantly scanning our internal, external, and interpersonal worlds for signs of safety, danger, and life threat. Based on the information it finds, it will send signals to our bodies to be in one of three states: social engagement, fight-or-flight defensiveness, or shutdown. Dr. Porges refers to this subconscious surveillance as neuroception, and while it evolved to keep us safe from predators, some people have faulty neuroception that leads to the perception of threat when there is none, or to the perception of safety in dangerous situations.
When your child detects a lack of safety in their environment, they go into survival mode and have a stress response in the form of self-protective behaviors like fighting, fleeing, or shutting down. Rather than focusing on eliminating the child's difficult behaviors, have compassion for their struggle, show acceptance, and turn up the volume on relational and emotional safety. This can help your child move from survival-mode back into socially-connected mode.
When your child detects a lack of safety in their environment, they go into survival mode and have a stress response in the form of self-protective behaviors like fighting, fleeing, or shutting down.
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