3 Strategies for Becoming a Better Parent

Welcome to the Project Parenthood podcast! I’m Dr. Nanika Coor, a clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. This podcast is for parents who want to experience more peace, connection, ease, flexibility, and fun with their kids, and have less conflict and struggle in their relationships with their children - no matter how old they are.

While my expertise is in child psychology, one of the main aspects of helping parents nurture their children is providing care and encouragement to the parents themselves as they grow into the kind of parent they really want to be. A parent who feels emotionally starved is going to have a very hard time nurturing a child. A nurtured parent is better equipped to nurture a child. So today, we are going to discuss several strategies you can implement to help you become a better parent.

Strategy #1: Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a Buddhist concept I learned from the work of Marsha Linehan, creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. It’s about letting go of what you want to happen, and accepting what actually is happening. In order to actively let something go, you have to acknowledge having it in the first place. Sometimes the truth is that you want something that isn’t actually occurring in the moment. When things don’t go our way, it can cause us pain. But experiencing suffering in that pain is optional. The first time I read about radical acceptance I came up with two equations to help myself remember:

• Pain + Resistance = Suffering
• Pain + Radical Acceptance = Ordinary Pain

Early in my parenting journey I remember a day when I was trying to get myself and my toddler to an appointment. My rushing her pushed her to the brink and she ended up on the floor crying. I am not proud of it, but my own internal narrator sounded like this:

“Now we are going to be late! Why does this have to be so hard? Is it going to be like this forever? What’s the deal with toddlers? Ugh - this is the absolute worst!”

But then suddenly I remembered the idea of radical acceptance and I took a deep breath and said to myself: “Well, this is actually happening. I wish it weren’t, but it is. So let’s figure this out.” After I accepted reality, I was able to deal with the ordinary pain that can sometimes come with raising kids. I managed to get us out of the door with a lot less reactivity than I might have if I hadn’t remembered radical acceptance. It allowed me to stay calm, which helped me take actions that were in line with my parenting values rather than have my own temper tantrum which would have made things...

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