As I write this episode, I’m nursing a massive headache, a sore back, and pretty much at my wits end, thanks to a terrible Uber ride, and now a delayed flight. I don’t feel like being talkative, or even humorous toward the stewardess who “thanks us” for choosing their airline (FYI: You were the cheapest. Don’t get excited). Yes, they know they have to say it, but it’s a charade, and one that is challenging my patience and manners. But I take a deep breath and realize I’ll be home soon.
I say this not to vent (although it helps) but to point out something important; just because you’re having a crappy day, doesn’t mean others should too. This means I can’t huff and puff and act as if I’m owed something on my flight home because I’m frustrated. It also means I have to be a proper seatmate to the people in my row. So, even though it’s tough, remember your Mannerly Oath and don’t take it out on others. Instead, check out my top three quick and dirty tips for how to be a good airline passenger:
Tip #1: Proper Food Choices
I’m not going to lie: I’m debating offering a guy in the row in front of me $100 for his salad. For one, I’m absolutely starving and thanks to my nauseating Uber drive, I couldn’t eat anything after racing through security. Secondly, it looks and smells delicious. It’s as if the greatest salad chef has blessed Mr. Row 20, Seat C. Yet I’m a germaphobe and he already started eating it, so there goes that deal. Plus giving him $100 is probably about $92 profit and nothing is worth that. However, the point of this tip isn’t to make Nutrition Diva proud that I’d rather stuff my face with a salad than Twinkies, but to say that this man has a wonderfully proper choice in food for a flight. Other people like Ms. Row 18, Seat C, who chose to smuggle fried fish tacos on board has chosen poorly.
Folks, I don’t care how good a food looks in the airport (wait, is that an oxymoron?), there is a big difference between what looks good to eat outside the plane, and on the plane. I mean, right now, these seats are so terribly small and cramped that I’m sitting so close to the person next to me that my wife could get jealous. So, if I whipped out fish tacos on the plane have, can you imagine how disgusted my rowmate would be? Or what if I was crunching away so loudly it was as if I had a microphone to my lips? Both would be terrible! And so, I am not doing either of them. Instead, like my lucky friend in the seat across from me with the heavenly salad, I would (if I had time) chose something like that: light, in scent, size, and flavor. See, the airline is already a cesspool of germs as it is, with its own set of smells (from food and body odor) that they don’t need any more help. Regardless of the length of the trip, don’t opt for a buffet. Instead, keep it compact, easy, and clean.
Tip #2: Proper Clothing
In my comic, (Un)Mannerly Ways, and in my book REPLY ALL… And Other Ways To Tank Your Career, I created a cartoon of a man in a suit of armor trying to walk through the metal detector at the airport and not understanding why he kept beeping. The meaning of this joke was to poke fun at people who are constantly “shocked” that their choice of clothing is not proper for traveling. And I say shocked because if you watch people lose their you-know-what every time a TSA agent tells them they have to take off their Mr. T-esque necklace, it’s well, comical. However, what I fear more than the people who don't know not to wear a ballroom gown through security is the fact they don’t realize someone will have to sit next to them while they wear said ridiculous outfit .
Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand you want to look good when you go out. However, let’s be honest, how good do you really have to look while sitting on a plane, in a seat that is so uncomfortable it negates any possibility of looking cool? So knowing that, why get all dolled up with layers and accoutrements that would make a member of the band KISS say, “Yeah, even that’s too outrageous for me.” Like I mentioned in Tip #1, I recommend going easy on your clothing decisions too. With that being said, I’m not telling you to only wear sweat pants and a t-shirt. This isn’t about dressing down, just not dressing like you’re a prom date from 1985, with shoulder pads bigger than most NFL linemen. It’s very easy to dress nice and be comfortable. You can pack something in your carry on bag to change into right after you land. After all, you know the baggage claim will run slower than a sloth doing hurdles, so trust me, you have time! Plllllllenty of time. Go in the restroom, add on what you need, and you’ll be on your way … and save people like me the struggle of having to lean at a 45 degree angle so your Kentucky Derby hat doesn’t poke me in the eye.
Tip #3: Proper Conversation
As much as I wave the flag of being an extrovert, when it comes to being on a flight, I’m not always so talkative. For one, I like to use my time in the air to do some work, without distraction, or catch up with a good book. But don’t get me wrong, I’ll happily talk to someone, and will never blow them off if they decide to kick up a conversation out of the blue. However, there are limitations. For example, on the way to my trip I’m returning from now, I didn’t sit next to someone, so there was no issue with having to talk to someone. I wish I could say the same thing about the guy across from me (Will) who landed a seat with The World’s Most Uninteresting Man. For two hours, Will (I learned his name after he was asked it) had Paul (aka Captain Annoying) talk his ear off about himself. Will was being talked TO not with.
Turns out Paul just got a divorce, “Are you married Will? Don’t get married, Will!” But now, he met a new girl, “Wanna see a picture, Will? She’s really pretty.” And he’s flying down to meet her parents, “And boy oh boy am I nervous, Will! Nervous Nelly, that’s what she calls me. Always worrying, always wondering…” I’m not lying, this was two hours. I had work to do, so I was able to tune him out, but poor Will was too nice to turn him down. See, it’s okay to talk to strangers on a flight … for a little while. Just know your limits and don’t go overboard. Always assume you’re being an inconvenience. That’s the best way to think about it. You could be super nice and interesting but that doesn’t mean you have to share your views with someone for the entire length of the trip. As well, you should feel rude for not wanting to engage them. Don’t feel trapped, even though you may physically be trapped. Use a flight for some quality Me-Time and not as Paul’s new wingman.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my new book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It's available now!
Comic by Richie Frieman, Modern Manners Guy.
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