Any parent who has faced a dramatic, tear-filled, near death-grip goodbye when leaving a child to go to work or at school knows that it’s absolutely one of the worst feelings.
Even when we realize our child will be just fine after we part ways, say at school or with a babysitter, it still stirs up an unsettling, heart-wrenching feeling to know that our child is so upset about being away from us—regardless of whether it’s for an hour or a full day.
An article on the Baby Center Medical Advisory Board at BabyCenter.com explains that babies can show signs of separation anxiety as early as 6 or 7 months, but for most babies, it peaks between 10 to 18 months and eases up by 2 years. The authors add that most commonly, separation anxiety strikes when you leave your child to go to work or run an errand.
Though separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of childhood development, it can be just as upsetting for you as it is for your child. Mighty Mommy has survived this uncomfortable scenario 8 times over and shares 6 tips for how you can help your child (and yourself) cope through this temporary phase of growing up.
Tip #1: Separate Early On
My first baby was adopted at birth, and after six long years of infertility treatments, by the time I finally did become a mom, I wanted to be with our new baby girl 24/7. Well-intentioned friends and family members were constantly asking us if they could babysit to give us a break so we could go out to dinner or just have a couple of hours to ourselves, but I always politely declined. I wanted her all to myself!
In hindsight, I probably should’ve let other adults care for her while I did errands or went grocery shopping because when I went back to work after staying home with her for six months, we were in for a rude awakening. She wanted nothing to do with our new nanny, so every morning when I left for work, the wailing began, and both she and I would be in tears for that first part of our morning.
I learned from this experience so when we had our second child, I introduced him to relatives and friends much sooner. I made a point of setting up time for our babysitter to come to the house and feed and change him while I was elsewhere in our home taking care of other matters. I also made sure that the grandparents had more time alone with our daughter and baby son so they could get used to interacting with adults who had different mannerisms than their father and I did. Our son still had some anxiety separation issues but it was nothing like what we experienced with our daughter.
Tip #2: Develop a Goodbye Ritual
Kids are comforted by structure and rituals with most areas of their lives, so creating a “bye bye” ritual will provide that same sense of security for them because they will become used to this routine when you have to say good-bye.
For example, whenever you have to leave your little guy at daycare or nursery school you can give him a warm hug and a “thumbs up” sign. If you have the same ritual each time you leave him, he will soon sense that this means it’s going to be OK for him to stay and that you’ll return in a few hours to bring him home again.
Tip #3: Keep it Short and Sweet
One of the most helpless feelings a parent must tolerate is watching their child fall apart emotionally when they have to leave them with a babysitter or at daycare or school. My 6th child nearly brought me to my knees the year he started nursery school. He was three-years-old and clung to me like a piece of Velcro. The minute we got in the car to head to school he started whining and telling me he didn’t want to go. I kept it as upbeat and fun as I could during the 20-minute ride to school, but by the time we pulled into the parking lot, the real tears began.
With my two-year-old in tow, I would hold him by his trembling hand and walk him into his classroom at The Gingerbread House nursery school. The first few days he attended I tried to soothe him and tell him I’d be coming back soon for him and that he would have so much fun with his teacher and new friends. This only made him more upset, and in fact, his sad tears turned to angry tears.
His teacher (who had been teaching nursery school for over 25 years) gave me great advice. She said “Keep it short and sweet.” The next day I gently walked him into the classroom, gave him a kiss and told him I loved him and would see him in a couple of hours. Then, I turned around and walked out. That was one of the hardest things I had ever done, and I had five children before him! I wasn’t even home yet when his teacher called me and said he was doing just fine, and that the crying had stopped within minutes. From there on out, I maintained my “short and sweet” exit and within a few weeks he stopped crying altogether.
Tip #4: Maintain Your Calm
Parents truly are the ones to set the tone for any emotional situation, happy or sad, in their homes. For instance, if your household is in temporary crisis how you react in front of your kids sets the stage for how they will respond. So if your daughter sees you staying calm, cool, and collected after you find out the leak in your roof is going to cost the family $10,000 she won’t panic and will feel secure in how you’re handling the situation.
When it’s time to part ways, maintain your composure.
The same goes for when you have to say goodbye to your child. When it’s time to part ways, maintain your composure. Don’t fret and carry on and tell her you’re so upset you have to leave her. Be calm and loving and act natural. Your demeanor will show your child that they are going to be just fine when you leave them and that you’ll be together again very soon.
And this goes for your caregiver as well. The person you are leaving your child with must have the same, consistent approach with your child the minute you walk out the door. They must also remain matter-of-fact and not feed into the drama of your child. See Also: 10 Essential Parenting Strategies for When Life's Got You Down
Tip #5: Spend Time with Your Caregiver Before Separating
Your child needs to know that you trust the person you are leaving him with. Have your babysitter or grandparent come a few minutes before you need to leave so you can spend some time happily interacting with them in front of your child, just don’t drag it out. Remember “short and sweet” is a good rule of thumb for this as well as the actual good bye. I’m a hugger so when our babysitters came into the house, I always gave them a hug. I also do this with friends and family members that come into our home. My kids got used to this and always felt good when they saw me hugging someone because they knew it meant I cared for them so this signaled that I trusted the person and wanted them to be around my kids. See Also: How to Build a Strong Relationship Between Grandparents and Kids.
Tip #6: Praise Love Them Upon Uniting Again
While you’re working your way through a separation anxiety situation with your child, it’s important to greet them with love and praise. My son that had such a difficult time going to nursery school would run into my arms when I picked him up. I would high-five him and give him a big hug and kiss and praised him for his efforts of doing so well staying with his teacher. Eventually when he stopped crying after I left him off, I tweaked my pick up routine with a simple hug and a smile, but while he was working through his separation struggles, I made it a point to let him know that I thought he was pretty cool for keeping it together.
How do you handle anxious separations? Share your thoughts in the Comments section at http://ift.tt/1wBcPAN, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Also visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5.
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