If you’ve been listening to my podcast, you’ve gotten used to the idea that most things are on a spectrum, and that one end of the spectrum is not superior to the other. Keep that in mind as we discuss today's topic: non-monogamy.
Ethical or consensual non-monogamy are umbrella terms for relationship styles outside of traditional monogamy. They might be unfamiliar to you—they're not often talked about in mainstream media. We are still stuck on the idea that boy meets girl and they live together happily ever after until death. We can enjoy this narrative, too—The Notebook still messes me up sometimes, and I am always introducing people to Love and Basketball.
Monogamy is great—when it works. The problem is that it’s not for everyone and we can see this in the research. One study noted that 50% of sexually active 16 to 45 year olds in America admitted to being unfaithful to their partner. We also hear all the time about how 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Now, there are a multitude of reasons that cheating or divorce happens. It would take me 100 Savvy Psychologist episodes to cover them all!
But one reason is that a percentage of people are not meant to be in monogamous relationships as we have traditionally defined them. Sometimes, the show just doesn't fit, no matter how hard you try. And it's not a weakness or an inability to commit, as we'll cover later in the episode.
I’ve seen committed married couples who have a sexual desire mismatch. One couple had a partner who wanted to abstain from sex indefinitely, while the other had an active sex drive. In all other ways they were a match, but this was a problem that they couldn’t overcome. They came to me to figure out how to engage in ethical non-monogamy. I've also seen people who may have been engaging in serial monogamy, but noticed that something felt "off" and they entered therapy to explore their relational and sexual preferences further.
What is ethical or consensual non-monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy can be defined as responsible multi-partnering and it exists when partners decide—together—to allow having more than one sexual or romantic relationship at a time. Consent and honesty are the hallmarks of ethical non-monogamy. This is not the same as infidelity, which does not involve the consent of all parties and usually involves lying to cover up a extra-marital relationship.
Ethical non-monogamy is on a continuum that ranges from monogamish all the way to polyamory. I will define some of the main forms, but keep in mind that people who engage in these practices might label or define themselves differently.
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