In a recent episode, I shared that I would be doing a 4-part series on divorce. I’ve been divorced for 5 years now and wanted to share what has worked for me, my ex-husband, and our 8 kids during this time. While divorce is not easy, time does help heal, and when your focus is putting your kids first, it is absolutely possible to maintain a healthy, happy family relationship.
My first episode in this series was 5 Expert-Approved Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce. After 26 years of marriage, and 8 kids, we came to the painful decision that we had grown apart. With divorce, our biggest concern was breaking the news to our children in a considerate and communicative manner.
Once our family had adjusted to the fact that we would be divorcing, my ex-husband and I made a pact that although we would no longer be a couple, we were still going to be a parenting team. This was extremely important to both of us, and although we had to navigate the emotionally draining journey of divorce, our motto was “kids first.”
The first step in your co-parenting journey is to make a commitment to your children, giving assurance that you will learn how to co-parent, are open to change, receptive to feedback, and will do everything possible to make this work. Mighty Mommy shares five important considerations, as backed by the experts, to keep in mind when you co-parent with your ex-spouse.
#1: Educate Yourself About Co-Parenting Options
Our parenting journey has included infertility, adoption, autism, and significant speech/developmental delays with three of our children in addition to meeting a host of other parenting milestones with all 8 of our kids. While we felt confident in our parenting skills, we didn’t have any experience as co-parents so we felt our first step was to become educated with as much knowledge as possible on the topic.
Through a wonderful website and organization called Coparentingguide.org, we found a definition of co-parenting that we both loved: “Co-parenting is when parents set their differences aside and work together as a team to raise a child after their divorce or separation. It includes sharing parental responsibilities and making joint decisions that affect the emotional and developmental needs of a child in everyday life.”
This definition became the foundation of our co-parenting partnership. In addition, we began to look for online articles, books and other resources, DVDs, and community-based educational programs and support networks that we could learn from.
Just as important was our decision to stay away from negative sources and people that were complete doom and gloom about divorce. Everyone’s divorce is different and although ours was overall very amicable, we still had our fair share of rough patches to work through.
Some of my favorite co-parenting resources are:
Two Homes by Claire Masurel (Great for younger children)
Co-Parenting Works!: Helping Your Children Thrive after Divorce by Tammy G Daughtry
The Co-Parents' Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in a Two-Home Family from Little Ones to Young Adults by Karen Bonnell
Sharekids.com: A website that offers helpful planning and communication tools for families raising kids in two homes.
Time To Put Kids First is "a nonprofit organization of parents, friends and family members working for children’s rights, parental equality and restoring the value of parent-child and family relationship.” This is truly one of Mighty Mommy’s favorite resources.
#2: Support the Other Parent's Role and Relationships
I think this is one of the most crucial factors in co-parenting—supporting your ex’s role in your kid’s lives. The idea is to create a fair and balanced arrangement that will maximize the time that your children can spend with each of you. You can support each other as parents by sticking to the co-parenting schedule; remaining flexible in accommodating each other wherever possible; informing the other parent of special events, school functions or extracurricular activities; and learning to control your fluctuating emotions for the sake of your kids.
Darlene Weyburne, CSW, writes about the importance of supporting your ex’s parenting role on the website Divorcemagazine.com. “Support your children in loving and building a relationship with the other parent. Never start a sentence with "If your father/mother really loved you..." Don't allow your feelings of being betrayed to interfere with your support of your children's need to love and be loved by your former partner."
Because my ex-husband travels quite a bit for work, we agreed not to have a set visitation schedule because he would miss out on too much time with them. Our situation is a bit more laid back than most divorces because of this. My ex sends me his work/travel schedule every Sunday for the upcoming week to ten days, and we use this to plug in quality time for him and the kids. This allows me to plan down time for myself as well. In addition, we still try to have dinner together as a family several times a month. This keeps some semblance of tradition alive amongst all of us, despite the divorce.
#3. Ask Your Kids What They Need
In one article, authors recommended that you remember to see the situation from your child’s perspective. Here are the tips they urge you to consider:
- “I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.”
- “Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.”
- “I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.”
- “Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.”
- “When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.”
- “Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems."
We encourage our kids to communicate what they need from both of us, which in turn helps us stay united on the co-parenting front.
Tip #4: Try Co-Parenting Apps
Being divorced in the 21st century does offer some advantages, thanks to the convenience of today’s technology. My ex-husband and I are grateful that over the past five years since our divorce, we’ve learned how to communicate with less-heated emotions and can tackle most conversations as if we are business partners trying to stay on task to produce a common goal.
At the beginning of our post-divorce life, however, our situation was still raw and new, so communicating could often be strained. With such a large family, the logistics of co-parenting without any consternation was not easy. For couples who struggle with building an amicable relationship there are some smartphone apps that can ease their burden. Text messages can replace intense phone calls, shared calendars create clarity around schedules, and a series of easy-to-use apps offer useful tools for everything from sharing custody to tracking expenses.
Our Family Wizard provides parents with a new way to manage all of the details that come with shared parenting. It is a unique website designated to facilitating communications between divorced or separated parents.
Split Wise is an extremely helpful app that helps ex-spouses keep track of all the financial ditties that go along with parenting. The first year after my divorce, I was quite hyper about storing all my receipts for everything from their haircuts to their orthodontic appointments. During a good month, I had my bookkeeping in decent order, during a crazy month, I’d be lucky to find many receipts crumpled at the bottom of my pocket book. This app keeps financial records neatly in tact and organized.
Chore Monster is a fun and useful app that helps keep kids on task with their chores. My kids don’t live in two homes as the result of our divorce, but now that I am working longer hours I definitely need their help more around the house. My ex-husband pitches in during the week to oversee some of their daily chores so Chore Monster helps both of us see what they are accomplishing with an electronic points system that kids can access and parents can monitor via a personal computer, iPad or smartphone.
Tip #5: Respect One Another
In an article written on Divorcemag.com, “The Co-Parenting Relationship,” Darlene Weyburne, CSW, writes “Developing mutual respect for each other will help make you effective co-parents. Follow the golden rule of co-parenting: treat the other parent like you want to be treated. This can be difficult if he or she doesn't treat you with respect, but keep in mind that you're doing this for your children's survival and happiness --not for the other parent's benefit.”
My ex and I are not always going to agree on everything as we continue to work together to raise our 8 kids, but through our mutual decision to put “kids first,” we are better able to save our differences for just the two of us. The fact that our family can go about daily life feeling secure and happy, and our children don’t have to worry that my ex-husband and I will be nasty and disrespectful, is a piece of mind to all of us.
See Also: 10 Essential Parenting Strategies for When Life's Got you Down.
The next topic in Mighty Mommy’s divorce series will be about getting your finances in order after divorce.
If you have any thoughts or comments about the delicate matter of divorce and the successes or challenges you've had with co-parenting, please share your thoughts in the comments section at http://ift.tt/1zMEe2L, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5.
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