In this episode, I’m going to speak about something I’ve never spoken publically about before: my divorce. I appreciate your feedback on this topic, as always, and encourage you to see a therapist or professional if you need help in your marriage or are unsure what the future holds.
My husband and I were married for 26 years when we divorced. As the parents of 8 kids, our biggest concern was breaking the news in a considerate and communicative manner. This was a decision that we both agreed on during an extremely gut-wrenching time. It was the last alternative but for us, it was the right choice.
It was a cold, bleak Saturday afternoon in January—Martin Luther King weekend. Our oldest daughter was away at school and living in New York City at the time, so we were fortunate that she could come home that weekend, which was a huge comfort for not only her younger siblings (and me as well).
Now, we’ve been divorced for nearly five years, and although our lives have definitely undergone some dramatic changes, we’ve actually grown closer as a family. This episode will be the first in a series for families who have been touched by divorce. I’ve personally experienced the emotional journey of divorce and while it certainly hasn’t been easy, my family has remained healthy, intact, and, loving.
Here are five important considerations, as backed by the experts, to keep in mind when you share the news of your divorce with your children.
#1: Choose Timing That Allows for Processing
When we were finally ready to tell our children that we were getting a divorce, my ex-husband and I sat down and discussed how and when we should tell them. I have to admit, this wasn’t exactly the most inspired discussion, but to my ex-husband’s credit, he reminded me that we had to stay focused and keep the kid’s best interest in mind. So, that’s just what we did. Is it easy to put your kids first when you yourself are emotionally drained from the divorce process? Absolutely not. But when you are a parent, kids have to come first. So my ex and I made a pact that we would make the announcement of our divorce as easy on our eight kids as possible.
We took some time to review a “joint script” so to speak, that we would present to our kids. In addition, we researched when the best possible time would be to share the news. The research we found pointed to making sure the kids had enough time to process and digest the news before they returned to their everyday routines. For my kids, that meant hearing the news a few days before they had to go back to school, hence on Martin Luther King weekend.
Experts agree on the importance of timing. Gary Marsh LMSW, Facilitative Divorce Mediator, explains in an article titled ‘Telling the Kids You Are Separating or Getting a Divorce’: “Try to inform your kids at a time when they will have an opportunity to react and think about it before returning to school. Telling them when they have some free time gives them an opportunity to ask questions, be upset and then recover. Having two or three days between finding out and returning to school can provide the time needed. Plan to be around after you tell them so you can provide support and comfort, if they need it. And then, when the dust has settled, answer questions."
#2: Stand United
In addition to finding an appropriate time to share the news about your divorce, it’s almost important to tell your kids together, as a team, rather than separately. This can be difficult if the circumstances behind your divorce are raw and painful,but remember as I said in tip #1, “Kids first.”
Kids have to digest this life-changing information, just as we as do. However, if parents tell their kids separately, you open up a whole new kettle of worms because without the other parent in the room, the entire message can become biased or confusing. There is nothing worse than for a child than to hear conflicting messages from the two most trusted adults in his or her life. Please realize that every divorce is unique and has its own challenges so I’m sharing what worked for our family. However, many experts also believe together is better—like, M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C, author of Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce: The Sandcastles Way. Neuman writes that the team approach, "gives your children their first opportunity to see that even though your marriage is ending, you will still be working together as parents. It also tells them that you are both equally committed to them and can and will separate your relationship as spouses from your relationship as parents. This arrangement also prevents one parent from dominating the floor, as it were, and using this important, sensitive moment to present his or her 'case' in a (perhaps unconscious) attempt to manipulate or confuse the child."
#3: Avoid Placing Blame
Once you’ve delivered the news to your kids, regardless of their age, they might start to play the blame game. If you’re the type of couple that fought a lot in front of your kids that can really make them feel like they were a big cause of the divorce. Leah Klungness, a psychologist and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother. gives this advice from an article on Babycenter.com, "You may feel so upset that you want to tell the child about your spouse's egregious behavior. But children will take this as a betrayal — or worse, criticism of them. If Dad calls Mom a "liar" or "cheat," they begin to see themselves, half the product of Mom, as half a liar, half a cheat."
Our kids were ages 6 through 18 at the time, so we wanted to let them know the decision for us to get divorced was extremely difficult. They knew my ex-husband travelled quite a bit for his job so they were already used to his not physically being there on a regular basis. That actually worked in our favor because we simply explained that due to this lifestyle, we had grown apart and no longer shared similar interests. My ex-husband did a great job during this part of the conversation because he went out of his way to praise me as a mother, caregiver, and friend but that we just weren’t connecting as a couple any longer.
#4: Remain Calm and Peaceful
“Your kids are watching you. All the time,” reminds Dr. Michelle Rozen, Expert Divorce Mediator, and author of The Effective Mediation.
Rozen says “If you are anxious, they will be anxious. If you are out of control, they will be out of control as well. It is ok to grieve, all of you, it is normal. It is not ok as a parent to be out of control in front of the kids, badmouth the other parent or neglect the kids’ routines. Breath, deeply, and be there for your kids. They need you.”
We knew that logistically, because we have such a large family, we still needed each other, as parenting partners.
My ex-husband and I agreed with this piece of advice. We knew that logistically, because we have such a large family, we still needed each other, as parenting partners. So despite how we felt about our personal relationship, our kids had to come first, no matter what. This meant learning how to keep as peaceful and calm presence between us, especially in front of our kids, in all circumstances. Was this always possible? Absolutely not! So when I was experiencing a particularly difficult time throughout the process, I reached out to him, sometimes by a quick text, and said I was not in a good place and we probably should make sure not to be together in front of the kids until I felt stronger and ready to put on the “united front” once again.
This was not something I was good at in the beginning, because I wanted the whole world to think I could handle everything I was going through. But I soon learned that I had to ask for help throughout the divorce, and sometimes that was even from my ex-spouse. It meant our children would benefit, so that was always my motivator.
See Also: 6 Ways to Become a Calmer Parent
#5: Keep Lines of Communication Open
Vikki Stark, MSW, MFT, author of Divorce: How to Tell the Kids, shared in an article, "How to Tell the Kids You’re Getting Divorced," that parents need to be continually tuned in to their child’s emotional state so that he/she doesn’t feel isolated during the anxiety-ridden roller coaster of divorce.
After we told our kids what was happening with our marriage they randomly asked questions to both of us in the weeks to follow.
Some helpful thoughts to keep in mind in regards to communication from Families Change, Parents Guide to Separation and Divorce include:
Encourage conversation:
“Do what you can to keep the dialogue going between you and your children. One of the best ways to keep your kids communicating with you is to have conversations with them about everyday things too. If every conversation seems to be about separation and divorce, they may soon start to avoid them altogether.”
Listen to what they have to say
- Give your child your full attention when they ask questions or are talking to you.
- Do not interrupt them; let them finish what they have to say.
- Treat their comments or questions seriously, especially about the separation or divorce.
Encourage their questions
- Tell your children that it is OK to ask questions about the separation or divorce, even if they think the question might upset you or the other parent.
- Reassure them that you will answer as truthfully and as best as you can, but that sometimes you may not know the answer yourself.
- In your answers, do not badmouth or criticize the other parent.
Answer their questions
“Children may ask questions that are difficult to answer throughout – even months or years after – the separation or divorce. Do not avoid a question or give your child a misleading answer; if they have the courage to ask, try to find the courage to answer. If you don't have an answer for them, be honest about it – say you don't know, or haven't made a decision yet.”
My ex-husband continued to have dinner with us a few times a week (he still does!) and we attended their sporting and school events together (still do!) as well as celebrated birthdays and special occasions as a family. This is not always easy or doable in some divorce situations, but we both agreed we had to remove our emotions towards each other in order for our kids to benefit. I joke that when we are in co-parenting mode we are like baked lobsters with our meat removed. Even in the most intense part of our divorce (going to court) we were able to be extremely civil (and even laughed and had some fun) because it meant our kids were seeing that, although we had a separate life as a couple, we were still always going to be their parents and a family.
The next topic in Mighty Mommy’s divorce series will be about how to co-parent with your ex-spouse.
If you have any thoughts or comments about the delicate matter of divorce please share your thoughts in the comments section at http://ift.tt/1zMEe2L, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5.
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