I’ve been doing executive coaching for a long time. That’s where I work with an executive to help them navigate tricky problems, develop stronger leadership skills, understand their business better, and so on.
Often, we strategize about how they can handle tricky situations with other people. A client will be having trouble with Charlie. I ask, “have you talked to Charlie about the problem?” And they say, “well, I mentioned it to Ashley, Ryan, Skyler, Mackenzie, Leslie, and Kerry. But no, I haven’t actually talked to Charlie about it.” And I say, “Talk to Charlie.”
Why haven’t they ever talked to Charlie?
Long, long, ago, lives were short and brutish. If you met another proto-human at the watering hole, they might pound you over the head with a stick until you were dead, just like in 2001: A Space Odyssey. So gradually, we evolved the ability to figure out what’s going on in other people’s brains. This ability is called “theory of mind.” In other words, your theory of what’s going on in their mind.
Even though our adorable little tykes learn to say “No” by the time they’re three, theory of mind is much slower to develop. It used to take 15 to 20 years. Now that we have digital natives, who spent their childhood clicking “Like” instead of interacting face-to-face, it probably takes 25 to 30 years.
According to the research of MIT Professor Rebecca Saxe, Theory of Mind even has its very own brain region! It’s about the size of a dime. So our dime-sized theory of mind is trying to figure out what’s going on in someone else’s full-sized brain. You can imagine that it’s going to have to take some shortcuts.
We never give anyone the benefit of the doubt
Remember that Theory of Mind came from wanting not to get hit on the head by a stick. So when you only have room for a dime-sized understanding of what someone else is thinking, paranoia is a good choice. Because when it comes to not getting hit on the head by a stick, it’s safer to assume the worst.
There’s only one problem: we don’t live near watering holes any more. We live in societies that pipe water to us. That requires cooperation, and lots of it. But our brains haven’t caught up.
So what happens is that we’re confused. Or we don’t know something. Or we don’t understand why someone did what they did, or reacted the way they did. Our theory of mind tells us, "Don’t talk to them about it!! They’ll hit you with a stick and steal your water!" So we don’t. We talk to everyone else instead.
Today’s tip is simple: talk to them.
Talk to give feedback
Last night shmoopie and I were at a restaurant and the waitron was wearing a very, very strong scent. It was ruining our meal. We didn’t know what to do, until finally we realized: talk to them! “Excuse me, your service is excellent, and the scent you’re wearing is overpowering the meal. You might want to wear a bit less in the future.” There was no stick, and no stealing of water. The waitron appeared to take it well. Mission accomplished.
Talk to ask for feedback
Rather than assuming your assessment of your own work is correct, find your boss, and talk to them. “I think that arranging the entire shelf of toothpaste containers in the logo of a dissident Tibetan rebel faction makes a powerful political statement that I’m proud to be associated with. Don’t you agree?” By finding out sooner rather than later, you can take corrective action if you’ve done something wrong.
This sounds like common sense, yet it’s one of the most common roadblocks
Talk to verify deal terms
How common is it that we have a handshake deal? “I’ll deliver 10 55-gallon drums to your back yard at midnight next Saturday, no questions asked.” But we leave some part of the terms unspecified. The drums get delivered, and then when you ask for immediate payment, your client’s eyes get very wide, and they get a very peculiar grin, and they say “Certainly. Let me go inside and get my axe … I mean, checkbook.” Next time, talk to them. Simply say, “Before I drop off the drums, let’s review the deal terms. It’s payment in cash on deliver, right?”
Talk to verify consequences
Sometimes we just assume we know the consequences of a course of action, and we’re a bit afraid to ask, just to be sure. Like that time you agreed to that little project in Area 51, and you just assumed that you wouldn’t have to give up your family, friends, and identity, and enter the witness protection program afterwards. Oops. Talk to them. “Before I sign on the dotted line (and why does the signature have to be in blood, anyway?), let’s just verify that after the project is over, I get to go back to me life, and pick up right where I left off.”
Talk to verify boundaries
Sometimes you’re given responsibility and authority without clear boundaries. Your boss will say, “Go find us more business!” You land Superman’s Fortress of Solitude construction deal, but it turns out your boss isn’t a comic book fan and doesn’t like to work for superheroes. “Too full of themselves,” says your boss. You innocently overstepped a boundary. Talk to them. “I’m happy to go find business. Is there any category of contract I should pass on? Companies that pollute? Oppressive governments? Superheroes?”
Talk when you have feelz
How do you know when to talk to them? When you have feelz. When you’re nervous, or uncertain, or upset, take a moment and examine why. You might be nervous about feedback, about consequences, about deal terms, about boundaries. Ask yourself who you can talk, and have the conversation you need to clarify what you’re dealing with.
This sounds like common sense. This is common sense. And nevertheless, it’s one of the most common roadblocks I find in when coaching people. Your theory of mind makes conversations scary, but you can override your theory of mind. And when you have a problem with Charlie, make sure Charlie doesn’t have a big stick to hit you with, and then talk to Charlie. Not Ashley, Ryan, Skyler, Mackenzie, Leslie, and Kerry. Just Charlie. Talk to Charlie.
This is Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. I run programs to help people develop the skills they need to create an extraordinary life. If you want to know more, visit SteverRobbins.com.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
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