In a recent episode, I shared that I would be doing a 4-part series on divorce. I’ve been divorced for 5 years now and wanted to share what has worked for me, my ex-husband, and our 8 kids during this time. While divorce is not easy, time does help heal, and when your focus is putting your kids first, it is absolutely possible to maintain a healthy, happy family relationship.
My first episode in this series was 5 Expert-Approved Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce. My second episode in this series was 5 Ways to Co-Parent with Your Ex-Spouse. The third episode was Financial Considerations When Getting a Divorce.
The final episode in my divorce series is what I believe is the most important—keeping the focus on making life as easy and normal as possible for your kids after the divorce dust settles. Mighty Mommy shares 5 important tips on how to put your kids first.
1. Commit to “Kids First”
I read a wonderful article listed on coparentingguide.org, which says, “The first step in your co-parenting journey is to make a commitment to your children, giving assurance that you are committed to learn how to co-parent, be open to change, receptive to feedback, and you will give your all in order to grow as a parent, a co-parent and a person.”
This philosophy has been the foundation for my ex-husband and I as we continue into the 5th year of our co-parenting journey together. Our kids did not ask for their parents to split up, and in many divorces it might be only one partner that wanted the divorce. Life in this instance can seem unfair. But I realized early on in our divorce proceedings that our kids deserved the best life possible post-divorce and that was only going to happen if I put my relationship emotions aside and focused on their needs and well-being. This took a lot of work on my part, but my mantra “Kids First Always,” helped me when I was struggling. In fact, focusing on making them feel as comfortable as possible with our new situation was actually great therapy for me. My ex and I worked together to create a “new norm” for all 8 of them and for each other. We now have what I’d call a business-like relationship, which allows us to care for our family’s many needs with practical and well thought-out solutions rather than getting caught up in the heat-of-the moment that many divorce couples struggle with.
2. Choose Positivity
In 5 Ways to Make Your Child More Likeable, I shared a little fact about my overall disposition in life—I’m a Pollyanna. She is the main character in Eleanor Porter’s novel, Pollyanna, and to everyone she meets, plays a game her father taught her, “the glad game,” which is believing that no matter what happens, there’s always something to be glad about. One should always hunt for the positive aspects in seemingly bad experiences.
This attitude has served me well in my post-divorce journey because I look for the good in my ex-husband rather than the things I dislike, and I take it one step further by noting these things in front of my children when it’s appropriate. For example, recently we had a lot of rain in a short period causing our family room to flood. Ugh! It was a real mess. Though it’s my house now, and he doesn’t have a financial obligation to help with any upkeep, my ex saw how distraught I was and immediately pitched in and helped with the clean-up. He even took a couple of days out of work to do it. I was more than grateful and shared with our kids how much I appreciated his help and dedication to our family during a tough time. This made all of us still feel connected in a positive way.
In Agree to Balanced Duties and Healthy Boundaries, the writer shares some important advice on the importance of choosing to be positive. “Remember, you can’t change your ex, you can only change yourself. But, your child will fair best with two happy, healthy and active parents. So, you can choose to be a positive influence in your ex’s life or you can choose to be their biggest nightmare. Either way, your behavior impacts your child’s perception and their reality – so always keep that in the front of your mind.”
See Also: How to be More Mindful of Negative Language
3. Maintain Your Child’s Routines
Not only do routines help keep order and structure in your home (though your kids might never admit it), they also help kids thrive and keep them grounded. Routines are your daily habits, the things that you do the same way at the same time. Routines help children feel safe and secure because they know that certain things happen at certain times.
When we began going through our divorce, I will be the first to admit that our household experienced a tumultuous period when we transitioned into our new living arrangements. I even over-indulged my kids a wee bit to compensate (in my own mind) for any sadness they were feeling and to satisfy my guilt for what they were experiencing. Luckily, that didn’t last for very long because my family and I are both so routine-oriented I knew we would all react better to these changes by maintaining our day-to-day schedule and routines.
Dr. Laura Markham writes in her article Why Kids Need Routines, “Humans are afraid of many things, but "the unknown" edges out everything except death and public speaking for most people.” “Children, like the rest of us, handle change best if it is expected and occurs in the context of a familiar routine. A predictable routine allows children to feel safe, and to develop a sense of mastery in handling their lives. As this sense of mastery is strengthened, they can tackle larger changes: walking to school by themselves, paying for a purchase at the store, going to sleepaway camp."
"Unpredictable changes – Mom called away on an unexpected business trip, a best friend moving, or more drastic, parents divorcing or a grandparent dying – erode this sense of safety and mastery and leave the child feeling anxious and less able to cope with the vicissitudes of life. Of course, many changes can't be avoided. But that's why we offer children a predictable routine as a foundation in their lives--so they can rise to the occasion to handle big changes when they need to.”
I really believe from my own experience that no matter how difficult your present situation might be—stick to your routines (or create some new rituals that will keep your kids centered), and you’ll definitely be putting the kids first each and every day. See Also How Routines Can Simplify Your Life
4. Focus on the Present
The past offers the opportunity to revel and reminisce on both wonderful and painful memories, and for a family who has just navigated through a divorce, this can be a very difficult time for everyone. It’s normal for all of us to want to cling to those loving times we shared as a family before things went bad. But there is still a lot of raw, emotional pain to be dealt with for all involved. When a family is learning to create a new way of life with parents now living in two different households, it can be more beneficial to look forward, rather than to the past.
It can be more beneficial to look forward, rather than to the past.
In an on-line article written by Psychologist Kristin Davin, 7 Ways to Maintain a Positive Relationship with Your Ex, she writes “Refrain from bringing up the past in the present. Sure, we are often tempted to go back around and bring up the past and note how this or that situation could have been different, but how is that allowing you to grow and move on? How is that helping you become centered in your new life? Discussing the past is helpful if you are using it to grow and change and not repeat your mistakes, and if helps you become a better version of yourself. Bringing up the past keeps you stuck and sends you down the rabbit hole, which creates more distance between the present and your new future." "Remember, your role as a parent places a pivotal role in what your children take away from the divorce. Learning to work towards improving your relationship with your ex has positive, long-term benefits that help the entire family!”
With 8 kids we are quite busy focusing on all that we have happening in just one single day nevermind what went on yesterday. To help my family from dwelling on things that used to be or might be, I remind them of how important today is with this terrific quote I found by an anonymous author--“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, which is why we call it the present.”
5. Don’t Worry, Be Happy
One huge source of comfort to kids is when they see their parents happy. During divorce, joyful moments can seem few and far between, but if you get yourself into the habit of practicing gratitude and concentrating on even the smallest things that are going well—you make the world’s best pancakes, your teenager has a part-time job and can help pay for her cell phone, your next door neighbor regularly shares flowers from her beautiful garden with you—your problems won’t be in the forefront, the good things in your life will be instead.
Tammy Daughtry, CEO of Co-Parenting International, has advice to ease the divorce process on your children. Based on her book, Co-Parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive After a Divorce, she writes, "Laugh and smile - your mood has a direct impact of that of your children.." In other words, stress breeds stress. "Find a way to be happy and enjoy your life - your children need to have fun and enjoyable memories with you," she adds.
With that in mind, remember that you always have the choice on whether to choose happiness or to act with sadness. The kids don’t ask to be put in the middle of a divorce, so take as many opportunities as you can to giggle, smile, hug them and tell them you love them. By doing this you are not only putting them first, you are setting a wonderful example of how to live with grace under pressure. See Also: 10 Essential Parenting Strategies for When Life's Got You Down
How do you make sure your kids are your major focus during a divorce or other difficult times?
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