Having sent my first email at the age of 11, today’s topic has been an issue for me for a long time: it’s the super-important ideas that different ways to communicate have very different implications.
My young friend has phone anxiety. She says it’s common, and it really shouldn’t matter since she can always text. Millennial listeners might agree, and, well, they might be wrong. Let’s explore some history together, and then consider what it means for you.
Phones Used to Be the Only Option
Before the early 2000s, everything was done by phone. Yes, everything. There was no other option. You could call now, or write a letter that took there days to arrive. That was it.
At work, you called. Maybe you got an answering machine, but you ultimately ended up in a live conversation. At home, you called. And called. And called. Teenagers were glued to their phones, calling and talking and talking and calling. (Some used real glue. That didn’t end well.)
If you didn’t use a phone, you didn’t have a social life; you couldn’t invite people out. You had to call, and you even had to think through your plans in advance since phones weren’t portable and you couldn’t make last-minute changes.
In that world, no, phone anxiety was not common. If you had it, you saw a therapist and got over it. Otherwise, you couldn’t work, and you couldn’t play.
Why Medium Matters
With a phone, you can hear voice tone. It tells you a lot. Communication is near-instant, so pauses and silence come across. Voice tone and pauses relay emotion, which guides interpretation.
On the phone, you know the difference between, “That was a really good job you did!” and “That was a really good job you did!” The first is sincere, the second is sarcasm. They are opposites. With only words, people interpret according to the mood they’re in while reading. And that isn’t good. As discussed in the episode on talking to people, for survival, our brains choose the worst possible interpretation. Say it in text, and prepare to start World War III.
Media Richness Controls the Emotional Message
Talking in person gives the best chance of being understood. You convey facial expression, body language, and voice tone. As a listener, you get the richest information. As a speaker, you can use voice tone, facial expression, and body language to communicate precisely.
Real-time voice is next best. Even without visual cues, voice tone and inflection still convey emotion.
Email, texting, status updates, and comments are best for information that can’t be misunderstood or evoke an emotional response: “Here’s the address of the tar pits. Meet you there at midnight.”
If you’re a good writer, at least with email, you can write carefully to make your intent clear. Text messages, on the other hand, limit what you can say so much that they can be a virtual minefield. Do not break up or fire someone via text. Just. Don’t.
Effort Signals Commitment
Some mediums take more effort. Face-to-face conversation might require travel. In my episode about how intern MG gave an apology for missing a meeting, he found that showing up in person signals commitment to your message. For people who notice such things, it makes an impression.
I even know someone who took a cross-country roundtrip plane flight just to have 5 uninterrupted hours with the CEO of a company he wanted to work with. He got the deal. His effort signaled his commitment.
Real-time Determines Your Ability to Bond, Learn, and React
In-person and voice conversations happen in the moment. You react differently. You can gauge the person’s real responses, not just what you imagined their responses would be.
You can gauge the person’s real responses, not just what you imagined their responses would be.
Thus, my friend’s phone anxiety: she imagines the conversation in advance. The moment the real thing deviates from her mental rehearsal, she can’t cope. By interacting mainly by text, email, and status updates, she never has to be confronted when her imagination about someone’s reaction and their real life reaction don’t line up. She’ll also never learn to correct course in the moment.
As she gets older, this will be a serious limitation. When she does have to do things with other people, she won’t have a refined ability to understand reactions or recover when they surprise her. The moment she shows a proud achievement to her boss and instead of praise, the boss says, “I don’t think that’s up to par,” she’ll crumple.
Real-time Communication Bonds Us
In person, people also mirror body language, which makes your brain register implicit social interaction. You bond. Even with voice, you adopt a similar pace and intonation structure when you talk.
Videochat does this a bit, but not well. The camera placement doesn’t allow proper eye contact, and the video lag doesn’t give you the instantaneous feedback your brain evolved to handle.
Immediacy Builds Community
Just 20 years ago, we all had many shared experiences. Radio, TV, and movies weren’t portable, and couldn’t be time-shifted. We all watched the same three networks, waited together at the same cliffhangers, and discussed every episode for a week before the next one came out. Our entertainment forced a lot of physical and mental synchronization with our friends and communities.
Synchronization is one way your brain recognizes your extended family. “We synchronize. You move with me. You’re a member of my clan.” When your brain does this, it builds the impulses that build community.
By using mostly time-shifted communication, my friend has stopped sending “in-group” signals to her conversational partners.
Choose Your Medium to Fit the Message
Now that you have all the background, today’s tip is simple: Choose your medium to fit the message.
For highly emotional conversations, use face-to-face conversation or a phone call. You can use all the emotional signals to send your message and you can adjust as they react.
For informational conversations, use email, text, and status updates. Review them before hitting send, and do your best to make sure they can’t be misunderstood. If you’d like me to do an episode on how to write that way, drop a line to getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com and I’ll put it on the schedule.
Just 20 years ago, we all had many shared experiences. Now, we have very few.
When you want to bond, go face-to-face so you synchronize in the moment. A caveat, however: if you or they are multitasking, it will be obvious from the interaction, and won’t trigger bonding as much as focused, fully-present time.
When you want to develop your empathy skills, your ability to predict someone’s behavior, and your ability to be flexible in the moment, choose the in-person, there’s-no-escape-you-have-to-deal-with-this-now forms of getting together.
Text is always easier. You don’t have to think on your feet. You don’t have to deal with people who don’t follow your mental script. And you can limit yourself to very small chunks of information.
But when you want deep bonds, when you care about delivering an accurate emotional message, when want to interact with real, other, messy human beings instead of your fantasies, when you want to show your commitment, and when you care about creating community, choose the right medium for the message: in-person, video, or voice. And if you need to see someone about your phone anxiety, do it. Your future will be determined by the people in your life and job, and communication will determine the quality of those relationships.
This is Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. I run programs to help you develop the skills you need to create an extraordinary life. If you want to know more, visit SteverRobbins.com .
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
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