A listener writes:
Oh, Get-it-Done Guy! Do you have any recommendations on how to deal with a coworker who complains incessantly?
Ooh!! We just love complainers!! No, we don’t. We hate complainers. They’re always complaining. And we don’t like their clothes. And they put two spaces after a period, even when they’re typing in a proportionally spaced font. And their children! Oh my goodness, you know how every baby is automatically cute? Well, let’s just say that complainers’ babies are … ... Too soon? Never mind.
Yeah, complainers suck. But you can learn to deal with them.
Complainers Want to Sabotage
You have to understand why complainers complain. One kind of complainer is the hidden sociopathic monster. They were passed over for a promotion that they really thought they deserved. The fact that they didn’t deserve it, and the person who got the promotion did deserve it, is irrelevant. They feel unappreciated, they’re darned mad, and they want to leave. But they can’t because then they’d lose their health insurance. So they stay, with the malevolent intent of destroying the company with a thousand tiny cuts.
They complain because they want to undermine your morale and enlist your aid in dismantling the Deity-forsaken place once and for all. Just watch—pretty soon they’ll be picking up 55-gallon drums of fertilizer while they ask you to drop by the hardware store and grab a couple of detonators. When they ask, say “no.” Trust me on this.
Plus, an extra little bonus is that if their complaining destroys your morale so you do a bad job, they’ll get promoted in your place.
When a complainer is motivated by malicious psychopathy, be wary. Tell them, nicely, that you don’t have time to talk right now. Avoid them, and make sure to keep a paper trail, so someday, your estate will be able to trace your mysterious disappearance back to them.
Complainers Want Validation
Of course, not all complainers are evil demons from Heck bent on destroying the world around them. Many just want validation. The things they complain about are genuinely problems for them. They complain because they want agreement—to know they’re not being unreasonable. “The way the new programmer leaves the lid to the M&Ms jar half off drives me crazy. Right? Don’t you think so, too? They should be fired for such irresponsible behavior!!”
Your response when someone needs validation is a bit tricky. If you buy into their narrative too much, they’ll keep coming back for more validation of their next set of gripes, like “I think birds fly way too much. I mean, they clutter up the sky and probably pose a danger to helicopters. Don’t you think so? They should be exterminated for such irresponsible behavior!!”
Name Their Behavior and Let It Drive You
Look them straight in the eye and say, sincerely, “That sounds really upsetting. Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?”
What you’re doing here is validating their feelings, without necessarily agreeing to their specifics. You’re also sneakily naming what’s going on—that they’re venting. And you’re even giving them the option of telling you how to deal with them.
If they just need to vent, look them straight in the eye and say, sympathetically, “That sounds really horrible.” Then listen quietly until they run out of steam. Nod occasionally, but just empathize. Don’t agree, don’t discuss, don’t multitask. Just nod and listen with your full attention.
After a few minutes, they’ll start to realize they’re just sitting there venting, and they’ll begin to run out of steam. If they then switch to asking for advice (or if they just wanted advice in the first place), just say, “I find that my best course of action comes from the Serenity Prayer: change the things I can, and accept the things I can’t.”
Shift the Responsibility Back to Them
You’ve exhausted their emotional spewing by simply listening with full attention. Then you’ve given them advice that basically amounts to saying, “Welcome to life, baby. You get to suck it up like the rest of us!” In any event, if they try to complain more, you can gently ask, “Do you want to do the work to change that, or do you want to accept it?” Now you’ve shifted responsibility for their misery squarely onto their shoulders. Complainers generally complain about stuff they perceive is out of their control. Once it’s in their control, they might have to do something about it. So after this little maneuver, they probably won’t stick around to explore how they can take back their life.
Complainers Want to Bond
Some complainers don’t want evil or validation. They want to bond, and think that complaining is the way to make friends. If you’ve got this kind of complainers, just be up front with them. “I’d like to be friendly and have some good conversation. I find that complaining really shuts me down, though. Can we talk about what’s going right in our lives? What did you like about Rogue One?”
If all else fails, complain back. Relentlessly.
Once again, you’re naming their behavior, and delivering it in the context of saying you like them as a person and want to engage. If they really want to bond, they just might go along with your request. If they say, “I really just need to get this off my chest,” you can say, “I’m really going through a lot of my own stressors right now”—you don’t have to tell them that they’re the major stressor in your life—“and really need to be more positive. Let’s go our separate ways for now, and get back together when we’re both feeling more positive.”
Will this work? Maybe. Maybe not. But you’ve called out their behavior without blaming them, and you’ve made it clear you are willing to hang out if they’re more positive. If they now decide to add you to the list of things to complain about, you can be proud.
If All Else Fails, Complain
If nothing works, make a list of everything that’s going wrong in your life. Next time they start complaining, say, “You’re right! Those birds are just way too noisy. And let me tell you about the person who almost ran me over in the crosswalk the other day…” And then just commiserate to your heart’s content. Don’t pause for breath. Just keep going. Nicely, courteously, and relentlessly. “And what about politicians these days? They wear way too many suits! Speaking of which, what’s up with playing cards? Am I the only one who thinks that clubs is a stupid-looking suit?” Since what they’re looking for is a chance for them to talk, they’ll pretty quickly get bored and leave. Hopefully they’ll also get the message, though you really have to be careful they don’t realize you’re trying to out-complain them. You need to sound sincere, like you’re bonding. Just like super glue.
If you want to deal with a complainer and can’t simply have them exiled to a desert island, validate their feelings, but don’t engage with their actual narratives. Listen intently until they run out of steam, and then put responsibility back in their hands by asking them how they’d like you to respond. You can also just tell them straight out that you want to engage around happier topics. And if all else fails, be prepared to out-complain them. And if, after all that, they’re still complaining, set them up on a blind date with someone you really don’t like, and sit at the next table in disguise to watch the fun.
This is Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. I run programs to help people develop the kick-ass business skills they need to create an extraordinary life. If you want to know more, visit SteverRobbins.com.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
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