Difficult people are like bedbugs: they’re unfortunately common, hard to get rid of, and can make your life a nightmare. Many thanks to Jill Nicely, of Overland Park, KS, for officially requesting this podcast--which is applicable to every one of us.
This episode is brought to you by the audiobook edition of Total Recovery by Dr. Gary Kaplan. In this informative program, one of the country’s top integrative doctors radically rethinks chronic pain. Listen to an excerpt at http://ift.tt/1UNBsFa.
Rather than covering difficult people type-by-type—like Debbie Downers, passive-aggressives, show-offs, those who cling like a bad case of static, and more—I’ve streamlined different strategies for deadling with all types, and separated them into four core tactics.
So when leaving a horse’s head in the bed isn’t an option, try one of these four things: Approach, Confront, Acquiesce, or Avoid.
Strategy 1: Approach
This is how your best, most generous, and caring self would handle this person. Indeed, when attempting the approach method, your mantra should be “opposite action.” When you want to plug your ears and run, instead take a deep breath, listen, and offer genuine kindness.
Approach can work with blamers, showoffs, micromanagers—basically, anyone whose ridiculousness stems from insecurity. When they, for once, feel heard, seen, and appreciated, they often retract their claws.
But be warned: approach doesn’t usually work for complainers or clingers. For complainers, lending them an ear only provides a soapbox, while clingers magically intensify their stickiness when they find a sympathetic ear.
Strategy 2: Confront
Many difficult people have no idea that they leave a trail of offended eye-rolls in their wake. So “confront” is a bit of a misnomer here—perhaps the tip should be “offer feedback.” And rest assured, my fellow conflict-shy brethren: “confront” never involves getting angry.
Instead, it requires disclosure of the difficult person’s effect on you. You don’t have to get mad; just give them some information and, hopefully, they’ll take it from there.
Reframing with gentle humor can be a great way to package your message, if it fits your style. For example, complainers can be gently dealt with using the phrase, "Ah, our first world problems.” Or, “Hey, if that’s the worst thing that happens today, you’re doing all right!” Then, change the subject.
Another method is giving more direct feedback. For clingers, try the classic, “When you…I feel…” For example, “I should probably let you know that when you text me every half hour in all caps asking WHERE ARE YOU?, I feel smothered, and it makes me not want to answer you.”
Likewise, for micromanagers, you could say, “I can tell this birthday party is really important to you, and when you rearrange everything I’ve set up, it makes me feel redundant. How can we do this better together?”
Direct feedback can also work for passive-aggressives who superficially agree to do something, then show up late or do their job badly to retaliate. When you get annoyed, they might say, “Why are you mad at me? There was traffic!” or, “This was your idea in the first place.” So offer some gentle instruction to escape their passive vicious cycle: “You know, it’s okay to tell me at the outset that you don’t want to do this. It won’t offend me, and next time, we can choose something we both want to do.”
Bullies, however, are their own special case, and require a variation on confrontation. Bullies can smell fear, and they are looking for an emotional response, so it’s important not to share secrets, try for empathy, or reveal how much you’ve been hurt. “When you..I feel…” does not work with bullies—they’ll be glad to have upset you.
So first, put on your best poker face. Blank is what you’re going for. You don’t want to start a fight or break down weeping—again, they’re going for an effect.
Next, confronting a bully doesn’t have to mean causing a scene or violence. First, simply try ignoring the bully, responding with a non-committal, monotone phrase (like, “Uh-huh,” over and over again.) Or agree with what they said, to show they’re having no effect on you (e.g., “You’re a loser!” “Hey, thank you!”)
Bullies only go where they can push buttons. When you show them you’re untouchable, they will escalate at first--but when they realize their taunts are ineffective, they’ll leave you alone.
Strategy 3: Acquiesce
This is another way of saying, "pick your battles." This strategy is only an option if the situation is temporary, or not worth engaging in.
Acquiescing will get you through the wedding reception where you’re seated next to a complainer, showoff, motormouth, or Debbie Downer. Go along to get along (within reason.)
But don’t use this strategy for longer than an hour or so in total. Misery doesn’t love company—misery loves miserable company, so it’s important not to stay in it so long that you get sucked into wallowing right along with them.
Strategy 4: Avoid
In the context of dealing with your personal fears and insecurities, I usually discourage avoidance. But avoidance of difficult people isn’t bad if it’s for your own safety. Try the other three approaches first, and if all else fails, sometimes a little distance is a smart thing.
If it’s for your own protection, and not used as a tool to hurt feelings, you can avoid eye contact or choose a faraway seat. But always be respectful. Don’t lie about your plans. Don’t giggle to your friends when the difficult person walks away—this is not middle school. When turning down a request or invitation, you can say, “Thank you, but it’s just not my style,” or “Thanks for thinking of me, but I think I’m not the best match.”
How to Take Care of Yourself After Dealing With a Difficult Person
- Remember that it’s not your fault. It’s the difficult person who is behaving inappropriately. You don’t have control over how they act.
- Allow yourself some time to recover. After Debbie Downer’s rain cloud has passed over your cubicle, I give you full permission to treat yourself to a few minutes of cyberloafing or a quick power walk around the building to shake it off. With a more intense encounter, turn it into a journal entry, use a friend as a sounding board, or turn the music up extra loud next time you exercise and pound out your angst.
- Get support. Specifically for bullies, another tactic is to bring in an ally. For your child, bring in competent school administrators, or at work, a rock-solid buddy. Document everything. But stop short of simply outsourcing to higher-ups and then crossing your fingers; with this, you give up control, and things may spiral or disappoint. Instead, work with the higher-ups, but always make a logical argument—for example, the bully is costing the workplace time and money, and is trashing morale. Do not make it a moral or emotional issue, which, sadly, might cause you to lose credibility.
- Crank your compassion. Feel sorry for them. The blamers, showoffs, passive-aggressives, and heck, almost all difficult people of the world are, in general, pretty miserable. You don’t have to save them, but you can feel for them.
- Know that most people are on your side. If you, as a reasonable person, are having trouble with a difficult person, know that others probably are, too. You’re not alone.
Now for a New Segment: Savvy Listener Mail!
After the episode, How to Identify a Psychopath or Sociopath, Keith Carrter, of Mobile, AL, wrote and asked, “I've read that psychopaths tend toward arson, and are frequently bedwetters in their childhoods. Any truth to this?”
Keith, this is a great question, because it addresses an urban myth so persistent it even got on Law and Order: SVU. The answer is both yes and no. The theory to which you are referring is the MacDonald Triad, also called the “homicidal triad”--which to me sounds like the combination of sick kids, a work deadline, and no coffee.
In 1963, the psychiatrist Dr. J.M. Macdonald published a paper that suggested a set of three characteristics—arson, cruelty to animals, and bedwetting—for predicting later homicidal and violent tendencies.
But the study didn’t actually crunch any data; it just came from Dr. Macdonald’s hunches after working with violent patients. And even Macdonald himself started to express doubt in the theory after multiple studies failed to replicate his findings.
But he was one-third right. In a 2004 study, kids were followed over a 10-year period, and those who had been cruel to animals were more than twice as likely to later commit a violent crime. Likewise, a 2005 study followed over 3600 participants for 7 years, and found that pet abuse was one of the five factors that predicted who would later abuse his partner.
Animal cruelty, however, doesn’t come out of the blue—it’s often a sign of child abuse and neglect. Indeed, animal cruelty is basically about power and control, much like child abuse, sexual assault, or domestic violence. So it’s no surprise that children who are brutally mistreated and humiliated may try to play out power and control scenarios by torturing animals weaker than themselves.
Firestarting can also be a sign of childhood abuse and neglect, or a sign that kids have witnessed domestic violence. But while it isn’t exactly the ideal extracurricular activity, it’s not as strong a predictor of future violence as animal cruelty.
Bedwetting, however, doesn’t really belong in the triad. While enuresis could be caused by anxiety in an abusive home environment, in the vast majority of cases, it just signals an immature bladder, a heavy sleeper, or constipation taking up all the room down there. Delayed nighttime bladder control has even been found to be hereditary, so it may just be in a child’s DNA.
So don’t freak out if your child wets the bed. Wet sheets do not mean you have a budding sociopath on your hands, nor does it mean you’re inadvertently abusing your child.
Better early warning signs for future violence are child abuse and neglect, particularly combined with mental illness and substance abuse. Indeed, of Macdonald’s original research subjects, 90% had schizophrenia or organic brain disease, 35% had paranoid delusions, and 26% were drunk or high when they made their homicidal threats. If anything, that triad--plus being a victim of parent brutality--would have been the more appropriate predictors.
REFERENCES
Becker, K.D., Stuewig, J., Herrera, V.M., McCloskey, L.A. (2004). A study of firesetting and animal cruelty in children: Family Influences and adolescent outcomes. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 43, 905-12.
Juvenile Firestarting: A Research Overview. http://ift.tt/2csicCz
Macdonald, J.M. (1963). The threat to kill. American Journal of Psychiatry, 120, 125-130.
Walton-Moss, B.J., Manganello, J., Frye, V., & Campbell, J.C. (2005). Risk factors for intimate partner violence and associated injury among urban women. Journal of Community Health, 30, 377-389.
Photos of bedwetting boy, man rollling eyes, annoying co-worker, and blah-blah bubbles courtesy of Shutterstock.
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