Losing Friends Over Politics? These 9 Couples Therapy Techniques May Help

One thing I’ve heard a lot from listeners lately is how hard it's been to navigate politics in relationships. It seems that, for the past few years, and perhaps especially during the pandemic, there have been more family conflicts and friendship breakups over politics than ever.

According to a recent poll, 80% of Republicans believe 'the other side' has been taken over by socialists, and 80% of Democrats believe 'the other side' has been taken over by racists.

This isn’t just a feeling. According to the Pew Research Center, the vast majority of registered voters say that they have “just a few” or no friends who voted for the opposite-party candidate in the 2020 elections. Our feelings about people on the other side of the political divide are also quite extreme. According to another poll, 80% of Republicans believe “the other side” has been taken over by socialists, and 80% of Democrats believe “the other side” has been taken over by racists.

Privately, listeners have been emailing me to say that they’ve had to cut off friendships or become distant with family members because they simply can’t abide their position on immigration, or bathroom laws, or policing, or some other highly debated topic. Some are asking for advice on how to bridge divides, while others are asking how to cut people off.

To work on navigating these complicated dynamics, let’s borrow from couples’ therapy techniques.

1. Figure out what your overarching goal is in this relationship

Let’s start by taking a step back and considering your priorities in a particular relationship. Is this a close family member that you hope to have a relationship with for decades to come? Is this a college acquaintance you may never see again besides on social media? Is this an entire parenting friend group that provides your toddler with play dates?

The deeper the relationship, the more worthwhile it is to have meaningful conversations about core values.

What you do next will depend on these greater goals. The general calculus is: The deeper the relationship, the more worthwhile it is to have meaningful conversations about core values. So it might not be worth it to get into a soul-searching debate about abortion with your barista.

Also, the more important the relationship, the more worthwhile it is to be...

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