How to Use Rejection to Your Advantage

My dad has this adorable habit of throwing his back out. It happens a few times a year, laying him up and leaving him in agony.

So, when he called me last week to report his latest dalliance with back pain, I attempted to brighten his day with some silver-lining-thinking. “Well,” I said, “at least you’re not missing out on anything this time around. Your whole world is in quarantine!”

He responded with a growl. Which led emotionally intelligent me to conclude that maybe this wasn’t the moment for silver linings. Sometimes you just want to stew in self-pity.

But sometimes the silver lining is the thing. And I will stand on the side of insisting that something that may feel painful in the moment can actually be a good thing, or at least a not-so-catastrophic one. And rejection is one of those things.

There is scientific research that shows we may experience the pain of rejection as real physical pain.

Rejection—not getting the job, not getting support for your idea, not getting the raise—leaves a gaping maw of a wound when it happens. And it’s not just in your mind. There is scientific research that shows we may experience the pain of rejection as real physical pain.

But if you can lick your wounds efficiently, there really is good to be found in rejection. You just need to harness its power and use it to your advantage.  

Let’s talk about how you can do this.

1. Separate YOU from the thing you wanted 

There’s an expression I love that goes “You can’t fit a round peg in a square hole.” A round peg presumably serves an important purpose. It just doesn’t fit in a square hole. 

The same logic applies to most professional moments of rejection.

When you’re faced with a “no,” start by recognizing it was not a rejection of you the person.

If you didn’t get the job, likely it means the fit just wasn’t right. Possibly a different skill or set of experiences was required for the role. Maybe a candidate with more years of leadership or knowledge of a particular program or system turned up. Their experience doesn’t invalidate yours, it just aligned better with that particular opportunity.

When you’re faced with a “no,” start by recognizing it was not a rejection of you the person. It was a matter of fit. You just need to focus on finding that square hole.

2. Get meaningful feedback

Sometimes rejection comes to you as a form letter or...

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