Let's celebrate Modern Manners Guy with part 2 of my all-time favorite reader stories.
(Special Note: As always, I’ve changed the names and identities readers to protect them. With that, every story I tell, was with permission from said reader)
Tip #1: Maid Of Honor Gone Bad
Modern Manners Guy loves a good drunken wedding story, and this one won’t disappoint. From the drunk uncle dancing like a buffoon, not realizing the music stopped ten minutes ago to the Maid Of Honor (MOH) who “can’t handle” her best friend getting hitched, drinking too much before their big speech. The latter situation, starring a scorned bridesmaid/groomsman is my favorite because that gem of a person truly doesn’t respect their friend. If they did, they wouldn’t have gotten toasty before their toast. So instead of being an adult (and a real friend) MOH Megan drowned her sorrows in Champagne hours before the first photo and continued to give her liver a beating with shots of Jägermeister right up to her planned speech. It’s here where the party really gets interesting. By “interesting,” I mean disastrous. Despite being like sisters since they were in grade school, when it came time to take the mic at Andrea’s wedding, Megan used her moment in the spotlight to express her feelings about the groom, Scott. As you could guess, her list of Scott’s qualities wasn’t exactly “admirable.” From how he cheated on Andrea in college and lied about being VP at his office to not being a good athlete (an odd dig, if you ask me), she pretty much ruined the night. I mean, sure Scott seems like a shmuck, but his wedding was not the time to pick him apart.
There are like a bazillion things wrong with this situation. For starters, when you know you’re giving a speech (let alone at a wedding), you should not use “liquid courage” for assistance. Even if the thought of public speaking makes you want to vomit, using alcohol to numb that feeling has never worked out for anyone. With that, you can’t play the hand of “you didn’t know that would happen” because deep down you knew what would happen. Everyone knows will happen when the down shots like a college freshman on Spring Break. This is Responsible Drinking 101. Regardless of your feelings towards your friend’s spouse, don’t use their wedding as an opportunity to voice your negative opinions. Not only is it rude to embarrass newlyweds, and every single person they hold dear, but you embarrasses yourself. What did Megan think would be accomplished? Did she really think Andrea would have a change of heart at the last minute, with the rest of the room congratulating Megan for putting Scott on blast? Did she expect a rousing applause? If you truly dislike the spouse you have two options; politely decline the offer or suck it up. Say you don’t like speaking in front of people, or that you’re not the right person for the job. Your call. You can just be honest. “Look, I’m happy for you, but you know I am not a big fan of Scott. It’s going to be hard for me, I’m sorry.” Granted your friend may be mad but you have be up front and honest. Destroying their day will never win over—or keep—friends. Or, worse case you deal with it and focus more on your friend. Either way, not embarrass them.
Tip #2: A Memorable Exit
The Ari Gold character from Entourage could very well be one of the greatest antiheroes of all time. His brash, ignorant flip outs made for legendary scenes. But in reality, if you worked with Ari Gold, you’d likely dread every minute. Yet some people think embodying Ari Gold’s “aura” is a way of being cool or rebellious. However, the one thing people who idolize characters on TV—and try to mold their own lives around them—forget is what happens on the tube is not real life. In reality, no one would have tolerated Ari’s antics and I’m pretty sure he would have been sued for harassment on a regular basis. Still, this didn’t stop Darrel’s ex-coworker, Evan, from pulling an “Ari Gold style beat down” (his words) on his coworkers the day he walked off the job. This wasn’t a situation where Evan was fired as you would think. No, he was leaving the company—on good terms prior to his last day—to “be his own boss.” So rather than walk off into the sunset a new man, and spend the remaining days taking long lunch breaks and living it up, he took a page out of Ari’s book and wanted to become a legend. Out of all the wild antics from Ari, Evan thought the scene of Ari walking into his office with a paintball gun, splattering those that wronged him would be an ideal way to exit. Classy, right?
The only glimmer of light here is that Evan took a water gun to the office instead of a paintball gun. Thankfully, I didn’t hear about him because he was on CNN being arrested for assault. Aside from walking into an office with a possible weapon, let’s examine this for a second: a professional who had no beef with his colleagues but decides to “make a statement” before leaving the office for good by dousing his colleagues with water. Huh? In every way possible, this was a terribly unmannerly decision. For starters, being shot with a water gun while saying “Take that, Loser!” would never go over well with anyone. The only way to score points by trying to “go out in style” is by leaving with hugs and smiles. But instead, Evan was escorted out by security, and had his boss press charges. However, Evan did get part of what he wanted; he made a statement and became a legend. Sadly, his new found fame was in the form of grand humiliation and shame. Not exactly what he was going for. Folks, when you’re on the way out, enjoy it and don’t make enemies; to sit back and solidify your relationships, and end on a good note.
Tip #3: Your Kids Break It, You Bought It
Jackie and Charlie (two women) are neighbors from Tampa who have kids the same age and play together every day. Over the summer, Jackie took Charlie’s son Max (age 8) to the pool with her son Andy. On the way home Max decided to draw on her car seat with a Sharpie he found on the floor of her car. Appalled (and rightfully so), Jackie flipped out when she arrived home. I will say, it’s never proper to tell off someone else’s kid. That point aside, however, I get it. I get it big time! I mean, when my own kids get my seats muddy from their shoes, I can’t help but be annoyed, and that’s an accident. Here, Max didn’t make a mistake—he was just being a brat. For whatever reason, he figured her car, that marker, and today was the perfect time to express his artistic talents. In every way imaginable, I agree with Jackie being furious. So, after she took a couple minutes outside of the car to collect herself, she dialed Charlie to deliver the news. That call didn’t go so hot.
Charlie blamed Jackie for having a marker in the car where a child could reach it was the bigger issue, which is a ridiculous argument. However, things got worse when Jackie asked her if she would pay for the damages. Charlie said ‘no’. They went back and forth and Charlie said the best she could do is pay for half, not because she was being cheap, rather because she blamed Jackie for her lack of monitoring Max. Wow! Big time, flippin’ wow, folks. Here we have an unmannerly breakdown on a few levels all thanks to Charlie. In no way shape or form is Jackie to be blamed. Max was 8, he knows what a marker can do, and Jackie was doing her “job” by safely monitoring the road, not wondering if someone may draw on her car. After an argument that broke their neighborly friendship, Charlie was only willing to pay for half, leaving Jackie with a large bill herself. Folks, when it comes to your kids—no matter how messy—if they do something destructive, it’s on your tab. They break something in a store, it’s yours now. They drop fruit juice on your friend’s rug, it’s your job to get it cleaned. And if your child treats someone else’s property as their own personal canvas, it’s now your work of art to take ownership for.
Before I go, one last final thought about a quote I read today: “There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” (Frank Herbert) With that, even though I’ll be stepping away from the mic, please keep in touch because I promise you my real story is just getting started.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
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