Should You Become a Parent? Let Emotions Be Your Guide

A while ago, a listener wrote in to ask a very existential question. She said:

I’m struggling with trying to decide whether to have kids or not. How do you make a decision like that?

On a personal note, right when she was asking this question, I was about to have my first child. This was coming at the end of about ten years of indecision—late-night back-and-forths with myself, ever-growing pros versus cons lists, moments of clarity immediately clouded by doubt …

So many thoughts and questions swirled through my mind. Would I be a good parent? Would having a child change my relationship with my partner? Would I miss out on a profound life experience if I didn’t have a child? And what might I miss out on if I did become a parent? Is it ethical to bring a child into the world to add another carbon footprint to the earth? Would my kid even like me? What if my hypothetical child doesn’t even want to be born? Will I regret my decision? Will my partner regret our decision?

This indecision reached such a fever pitch in my late 20s that I went to therapy specifically to ask the same question my listener asked: Should I have kids? How do I make a decision like that?

7 steps to help you decide whether or not to have a child

Whether or not to procreate is a monumental decision. It used to be taken for granted, especially for women, that one major marker of life success was to get married and have kids. Nowadays, it’s becoming increasingly common for people to be childfree by choice, both because we have less societal pressure to follow the traditional life trajectory, and because we (especially women) have much more autonomy and choice when it comes to other ways to lead fulfilling lives.

The question of whether to have kids is particularly difficult to make because the stakes are so high.

But sometimes having more choice can be paralyzing, because, with each additional option, we stand to miss out on more. (By the way, this is also part of why online dating is so stressful—with so many fish in the sea, committing to one means missing out on so many more). And the question of whether to have kids is particularly difficult to make because the stakes are so high. There is no return policy and the commitment is lifelong. But at the same time, the option to commit isn't open for very long, either, especially for women.

Thankfully, we can apply to this conundrum the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—a type of psychotherapy developed by psychologist Steven Hayes that focuses on working with your emotions...

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