How to Defend Yourself Without Being Defensive

Something went wrong at work and fingers are pointing at you. You know it wasn’t your fault. Do you stand up and defend yourself at the risk of being labeled “defensive?”

The answer is yes. And today I’ll be talking about what distinguishes defending from defensive, and how to stand up for yourself when the moment commands it.

What's the difference between defending yourself and being defensive?

The line between defending yourself and being defensive can be blurry. Three core characteristics distinguish being defensive from defending.

1.Reaction versus response

When an accusation is made against you, your body’s fight-or-flight stress response kicks in. Your instinct to self-protect may trigger an emotional response. Because you’re human.

When you react emotionally, you're running on instinct, not rational thought.

But emotional reactivity is one of the cornerstones of being defensive. When you react emotionally, you're running on instinct, not rational thought.

Now, contrast that with a response. A response doesn't happen in the moment; it comes later. Instead of reacting with a quick burst of emotion, recognize the emotions as they come up but resist the urge to act on them until you've had time to reflect.

2. Blame versus ownership

When you allow emotion to drive, your natural tendency is to shed and redirect the blame. It's a grownup version of “I didn’t do it—she did!”

But deflecting blame is being defensive.

While you may not be to blame for the outcome, is there something you can take ownership of? Was there something, in hindsight, you might have been able to influence or prevent?

3. Protection versus reflection

A defensive person is motivated primarily by self-protection. A person defending is motivated by understanding and dissecting the situation.

Communicate your defense in a way that demonstrates your willingness to listen, learn, and be a part of the solution.

Communicating your defense in a way that demonstrates your willingness to listen, learn, and be a part of the solution going forward is a powerful way to show that you're open and interested in solving problems.

How to defend yourself without being defensive

Let’s imagine a scenario.

You’re an account manager whose job is to support customers once they’ve purchased your product. Your performance relies on contract renewals. One of your biggest customers has just announced they won’t be renewing. It’s a big loss for the company and fingers are pointing at you.

Maybe your boss said something like “I’m disappointed in...

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