I just celebrated a birthday this week. I’m the mother of eight, so I’m certainly not celebrating my 29th or even my 40th of special days, but I can tell you this: I truly love life, and though I may sport a few (keyword few!) more wrinkles, I am thrilled to be parenting at my age and have always felt that age is just a number. You’re as young as you feel!
I became a mom a bit later in life. This actually wasn’t by choice, but nature and my body had other plans for me. After six years of infertility, at the age of 29, we were finally blessed with our first child through the amazing experience of adoption. One year later, I gave birth to our second child and then...I had six more babies! My new favorite motto soon became “Be Careful What You Ask For!” and I never looked back.
Though I yearned for kids in my early twenties, I believe the Universe knew better as to the timing of when I should become a mom. Those extra years before kids allowed my husband and me to travel, purchase a beautiful home, and to focus on our careers, which by no means could replace a family—but because we were passionate about our work lives, we made it the silver lining of our infertility struggles.
Nearly three decades and eight kids later, I’ve experienced a multitude of parenting ups and downs, but overall, I’m so happy to have learned from sheer experience. I saw a wonderful quote last week from “Lesson in Life”—perfect timing with my birthday! 
As a mom in my early 50s, I found these five lessons very appropriate while raising kids. If you’re ever questioning the job you’re doing as a parent, these five things to quit could totally impact some of your parenting choices:
5 Things Parents Should Quit Right Now
- You Can’t Please Everyone.
- Don’t Put Yourself Down.
- Don’t Live in the Past.
- Don’t Fear Change.
- Don’t Overthink Your Decisions
Here they are in more detail.
1. You Can’t Please Everyone
Years ago, if I were on a recorded loop whenever I was introduced to a crowd, you would hear, “My name is Cheryl Butler, and I am a people pleaser!” Honestly, that truly is still who I am, but after nearly three decades of parenting, I have absolutely learned the very important lesson that “You can’t please everyone.”
When you’re someone who likes to keep everyone happy, the word that you’ll often hear escaping that person’s lips is “yes.” Whether it’s trying to accommodate co-workers, taking on yet one more role in the PTO, running constant errands for your spouse on top of caring for the house and of course managing all your children’s wants and needs, there comes a time when something simply has to give—before you give out!
People pleasers like myself would rather eat live toads than have to tell someone “no.” Truthfully, for me, it wasn’t quite as difficult saying no to my kids, as opposed to someone from work or in the various capacities I volunteered at, but I did get swayed more times than I care to admit into granting my kid’s numerous wishes because I hated to see them disappointed.
Because I have such a large family, and have always been outnumbered by my eight darlings, I did finally realize that saying yes wasn’t a bad thing when it was done for the right reasons, but not because someone was pressuring me to cave and get their own way.
In Are You a People-Pleaser? Why Parents Shouldn’t Always Say Yes, Susan Newman, PhD, believes that when children are told “no” they benefit in important ways. “When kids don’t get what they want, they learn resourcefulness, discovering ways to achieve their own desires and goals. They also learn resilience, initiative, and grit—abilities that help children overcome challenges throughout life.”
In 5 Ways to Say Yes to Your Kids, I share tips on when saying “yes” is a good thing and how to balance out the "yes"'s from the "no"’s. It’s human nature to want the best for our kids, but if we quit doing it just to placate or soothe them, we’re helping to build character for them when they get out into the real world.
2. Don’t Put Yourself Down
When my kids were younger one of our favorite ways to get ready for a nap or bedtime was to read a story from the Winnie the Pooh series. We’re big Disney fans so not only did we have all the books, we had the DVDs, posters, Pooh Bear Jammies, and of course, Pooh and Piglet stuffed animals. I just loved (and still do) Pooh’s innocent and optimistic take on life. Anything seemed possible when Winnie the Pooh was out and about in the Hundred Acre Wood. Of course, not all the characters in the series could find that silver lining when things weren’t going well. Eeyore, that cute but gloomy donkey always knew how to put a damper on things with his constant, negative self-talk.
If there’s one thing I find harmful and depressing to watch it’s listening to another person put themselves down. Some people don’t even realize they’re doing it, but very often their self-sabotaging remarks are being done in front of little ears—their own kids.
In Eight conversations you should never have in front of your children, child psychologist Laura Berk believes that it’s detrimental to speak badly of yourself in front of your kids because they could start mimicking this bad habit and start doing it to themselves.
I wholeheartedly agree and talk about nixing the self-talk in Busy Parent? 6 Ways to Maintain Healthy Self-Esteem. I used an example about a haircut I got. “Train yourself to dismiss the bad thoughts and instead replace them with a positive thought. For example, instead of framing my new haircut with 'I can’t believe I went back to bangs with such a round face,' instead tilt the perspective with, 'I like how my new bangs showcase my big, brown eyes.' It's a much kinder statement and much better at building self-esteem, especially when you get in the habit of nixing the negative and replacing it with something positive.
3. Don’t Live in the Past
One thing I’m very grateful for is my good memory. My friends and family often say I’ve got the memory of an elephant, and it seems I’ve passed this trait on to several of my kids. It’s very helpful in remembering appointments I’ve scheduled, where I placed something for safekeeping, and even recalling ingredients in a recipe I don’t make that often. On the flip side, I also remember anything insulting someone has said to me whether it be recent or years ago, what I was wearing when I was dumped from a high school boyfriend, and the excruciating pain I experienced when I had my tonsils out at age 18.
What I love about looking back on a past memory is remembering something really wonderful that happened in my life—the adoption of my oldest child and birth of my seven kids, when my speech-delayed kids finally started talking, the amazing family vacations we took to Disney World and tropical beaches. I’m grateful I can remember such vivid details, especially when one of my kids and I are reliving a special time that we shared.
While recalling memories can be very important and certainly a lot of fun, I also admit that I’ve had times when I’ve been a bit stuck on something that happened in the past, and depending on what the situation was that I was reliving, that isn’t necessarily a healthy thing.
In Why Do We Dwell on the Past, the writer explains that an individual’s personality plays a role in why some people get stuck living in the past. Another key factor is when something stressful happens to us in a public setting because we worry about being judged. “It can become a vicious cycle. We have a stressful experience in public, we worry that how we acted won’t be accepted by others, we feel ashamed of our actions (justified or not) and then we worry some more. The more shame we feel, the more likely we are to worry.”
I love the tip to "live in their moment," which is when you totally connect with your child in their world.
The combination of worrying what other people think of us and getting stuck living in the past is a total drain of our good energy. One of my favorite episodes is 8 Ways to Be Present With Your Kids. I love the tip to "live in their moment," which is when you totally connect with your child in their world. "When was the last time you sat and quietly observed what your child was doing? Take a moment to watch your daughter running after your dog. Comment to her, 'Katie, you are so fast when you chase Molly around. Look how much Molly loves it when you hop on one foot to try and catch her.' If you do this a few times a week, your child is going to soak up the extra attention like a happy little sponge."
4. Don’t Fear Change
Change is one of the scariest words in the dictionary! It means that something is going to be different and ultimately no one can predict if different is going to be an improvement or make things worse. Often, change and worry go hand in hand. What if my new boss turns out to be a real ogre? How will I survive if my best friend starts hanging out with that new popular girl who just moved to our school? Who am I going to hang out with in the neighborhood when my only mom friend moves next month?
It has been said that change is the only real constant, and as the mom of eight kids, I couldn’t agree more. I don’t always like change either, but through the years I’ve learned it’s much easier to embrace it rather than to resist it.
Though a change does bring about the unknown, it also affords you some great benefits:
- Change means a fresh start.
- Change means seeing things through a different lens.
- Change makes you stronger and more resilient.
- Change offers personal growth.
- Change can bring unexpected improvements.
- Change means meeting new people.
Quit fearing change and be open to the exciting possibilities it could bring you. For tips on handling some of life’s big changes, my colleague, Ellen Hendriksen, the Savvy Psychologist can help.
5. Don’t Overthink Your Decisions
Some people are just born to analyze nearly everything that crosses their path. If gas prices continue to rise, will this affect holiday sales? If we get more rain than last summer, will corn and lettuce crops be harmed? She was a pretty good waitress, but she did forget my second diet coke—should I tip 15 instead of 20 percent?
When it comes to parenting, second guessing yourself is easily part of the territory, but for some it is an excruciating process to come to a decision. I have a good friend who I absolutely adore but when she has to decide on a matter such as if her son can go to the movies a half hour early so he can play a few arcade games before the show starts, or if her daughter can join the before-school band rather than stay after school two days a week, it is absolutely painful to watch her figure it all out.
I’d base my decision on whether or not dropping off a bit early before the movie is going to be an inconvenience timewise for me. She would play devil’s advocate and wonder if going too early would interrupt the dog’s regular walk, which in turn would mean she might have to walk the dog, then dinner might be late, which could mean dishes would be getting cleared and washed when the news was on and then she’d miss the weather report and not know if tomorrow was going to be raining and then the patio furniture would have to be covered and of course, if it’s raining the dog’s walk will be thrown off two days in a row! Catch my drift?
If you’re an overthinker and think it will be too hard to quit this habit, try author Mel Robbins's simple life hack and book The Five Second Rule. The rule is simple: when an opportunity arises, don’t think about it, just count 5-4-3-2-1 and decide.
In Mel Robbins’s 5 second rule to fight hesitation, fear, and overthinking she explains that when you feel the urge to do something, “If you don’t physically move within 5 seconds, your mind will kill your dreams. Your brain is like an overprotective, irrational, helicopter parent. It thinks it’s keeping you safe, when in fact it is keeping you from growing as a person, stretching yourself in your business, and fully experiencing life.”
I love this hack because it keeps me focused and on task, and I’m hoping my overthinking BFF will try it and feel the same way.
How have you quit a bad habit? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Image of parents fighting in front of child © Shutterstock
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