Don't Fertilize Your Emotional Weeds: How to Let Go of Resentment

We’ve talked about a lot of negative emotions on this podcast, including how sadness is not all bad, how you can cope with fear, and even how to see anger as useful. These emotions are all pretty clear and easy to define, kind of like the primary colors of bad feelings. But sometimes we feel bad in ways that are not as easy to put a finger on.

One such muddy emotion I’ve heard a lot about recently is resentment. Do thoughts like this sound familiar?

• “I moved across the country and sacrificed a job I loved so we could be together ... and you can’t even do your share of the dishes?”
• “I’m so sick of hearing my sister talk about her perfect wedding last year! I didn’t even get to have mine because of COVID.”
• “I shouldn’t have to be the only one taking care of my elderly parents. Why don’t my siblings do their fair share?”
• “It’s just not fair that I have to work so hard to lose weight while my partner can eat whatever and not gain a pound.”
• “Success seems to just fall into his lap because he’s good-looking and charming. It’s so annoying!”

When was the last time that marinating in these resentful thoughts and feelings made you feel better?

These feelings of resentment are so understandable! Who isn’t irked by unfair situations or undeserving people? And it’s not surprising to see a spike in resentment around the holiday season, because along with great food and family time, the holidays tend to open old wounds and poke at stale hurts. This year, we've added the bad feelings that come with an ongoing pandemic, and a lot of us have been pent up with those sour feelings.

But when was the last time that marinating in these resentful thoughts and feelings made you feel better? Has it ever improved a relationship?

Chances are, you would rather let go or make peace, whether it’s with someone else or with yourself. Coming to terms with feelings of resentment is easier said than done, but these tips are a good start:

1. Be assertive about what you need

Sometimes we’re stuck feeling resentful about an unfair situation because we haven't done anything to correct...

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