How to Be Assertive Without Being a Jerk

Do you know how to be assertive? Let's say you’re at Starbucks. You’ve been patiently waiting for 10 minutes in line and you really need that caffeine hit. Then someone cuts right in front of you. Which one is the assertive response? Do you:

• Silently resent them and throw daggers into the back of their head with your eyes,
• Loudly tell them they should be ashamed of themselves and demand their immediate retreat, or
• Make snide comments to your friend, just loudly enough for the offender to hear, about how some people are so entitled?

That was a trick question! None of those responses is assertive.

Silence is passive. Public shaming is aggressive. Throwing eye daggers and making snide remarks are passive-aggressive, the worst of both worlds. Some of these methods might get you what you want—closer to your coffee—but at the cost of not being very gracious.

Maybe you don’t care about being gracious at Starbucks, and that would be a totally okay choice. But sometimes the stakes are even higher than coffee. (That's hard to imagine, I know.)

Let’s say your boss keeps making sexist comments that make you uncomfortable. The wrong reaction could affect your job. When the pressure's on, it’s even harder to walk the line between keeping peace and standing up for yourself.

So what to do when you’re in an awkward or unfair situation and you want to both get what you need and avoid stepping on toes? What if you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or don’t want to be known as the “dramatic one,” but you also want to keep your dignity intact? Be assertive!

Being assertive doesn't mean being aggressive

“But wait," you say. "What if I don’t have a very dominant or aggressive personality?”

No problem. You don’t need to dominant or aggressive to be assertive. In fact, being assertive is the opposite of bulldozing others’ opinions. You're not shutting down anyone's right to express themselves, hurting or humiliating them, demanding special treatment, or sticking to your selfish demands no matter what. Being assertive has nothing to do with threatening, coercing, or even raising your voice.

Being assertive means respecting yourself and others.

Being assertive means respecting yourself and others. It means clearly and honestly stating your position or your needs. It means being fair, direct, and open-minded.

Being assertive not only sounds ideal, but it’s also associated with better mental health. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology...

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