4 Financial Mistakes Couples Make When Moving In Together

Living with a romantic partner is a big step emotionally, legally, and financially. No matter if you just moved in together, got engaged, or married, money is a leading cause of disagreement for couples.

In this post, I’ll help you set important expectations and avoid common financial mistakes that could trip up your relationship. Use these four tips to figure out important questions, such as how to split bills, whether you should you combine finances, and if you need a relationship agreement.

4 Financial Mistakes Couples Make When Moving In Together

1. Not having a relationship agreement.
2. Not creating a spending plan.
3. Not communicating about finances on a regular basis.
4. Not setting financial goals together.

Communication is the cornerstone of a successful relationship. But when it comes to money, many couples don’t talk about it until after they’re in financial trouble or have serious gripes.

Here are the details about four major financial mistakes that couples should avoid.

1. Not Having a Relationship Agreement.

While it may not seem very romantic, having a formal relationship or cohabitation agreement can be the best way to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

If you don’t take the time to discuss the day-to-day issues of living together, it’s a missed opportunity to make sure moving in together is a good idea in the first place and to set up your relationship for success.

Couples who plan to marry can create a prenuptial agreement, or prenup for short. Many couples who don’t plan to get married opt for a nonup. It’s a similar document that explains how your assets and debts will be handled if your union ends.

But prenups and nonups can include a variety of issues like who will pay what bills and be responsible for certain household chores. They should also outline what will happen to your home, leases, pets, and financial accounts if you break up, or if one of you needs to relocate for work, or gets sick or dies.

Having clarity on these “what if” questions and potential future financial and legal issues is especially important when you’re not married and you buy a home together or plan to have kids together. Unmarried couples don’t get as many legal protections as married couples. So, it’s even more important to have key issues in writing, including a simple will and estate plan, when you don’t plan to tie the knot.

If you don’t take the time to discuss the day-to-day issues of living together, it’s a missed opportunity to make sure moving in together is a good idea in the first place and to set up your relationship for success. And if you do end up parting ways, having an upfront agreement allows you to break up in a thoughtful and caring way.

Having formal agreements may seem like a lot of work right now, but they can avoid a lot of stress in the future. You can create a relationship agreement from scratch or use a template at a DIY legal site like LegalZoom or Rocket Lawyer.

Also see: 6 Tips to Manage Money as a New Couple

2. Not Creating a Spending Plan.

How you’re going to share expenses, such as housing, utilities, insurance, and food, can be tricky. It might seem like splitting all costs down the middle is the best option. But dividing what you pay by percentages may be fairer if one person earns significantly less than the other.

Couples also need to consider if they should merge their personal finances by creating joint accounts, such as checking, savings, and credit cards. Mingling money is a big step because it has far-reaching legal consequences and affects both of your credit scores.

---

Mingling money is a big step because it has far-reaching legal consequences and affects both of your credit scores.

When you’re in a committed relationship, all financial decisions should be discussed and shared equally. It doesn’t matter if only one person works, or if one person earns much more than the other. You should decide as a couple how to budget, how much to save, how to prioritize debt, whether to buy a home, and so on.

Uniting everything makes managing money easier because you have fewer accounts and administrative tasks to handle. Plus, working as a team is the best way to overcome challenges and to accomplish your shared long-term financial goals.

But the downside to tying a financial knot with someone is that untwisting it can be a real nightmare if the relationship ends. Joint mortgages, credit cards, and bank accounts can be very difficult to separate even with a formal court-ordered divorce decree.

Another problem is that some couples may never agree on certain issues, like how to create a spending plan or how much debt they should carry. Maybe one person is a die-hard saver and the other is a wild-eyed spender. If you’re certain that your financial philosophies will never jive, it may be wise to split up your finances—or at least a portion of them.

One option is to have joint checking and savings accounts but to also have individual accounts. It’s a “yours, mine, and ours” approach where one or both people contribute to the family pool, but each maintains a separate account to manage themselves, without the other person looking over their shoulder.

3. Not Communicating About Finances On a Regular Basis.

Communicating regularly and honestly about money is the best way to improve your financial health and stay on the right path. You might set a stress-free time to talk on a weekly or monthly basis about following a spending plan, paying bills and debts, and your financial goals. Maybe it’s while you take a walk or go out for a nice dinner together.

Your significant other should know how much you earn, the taxes you pay, the balance of every debt, bank account, and investment that’s in your name.

If one partner brings financial troubles to a relationship, he or she may want to hide their money mess. This can be true especially if the other person is doing great, financially speaking. After all, who wants to be judged?

If you’re the one with a money mess, remember that a serious relationship or marriage is a true partnership. If you’re holding back information about income or debts, that’s the same as lying.

When you’re in a committed relationship, I recommend putting every detail about your finances on the table. Your significant other should know how much you earn, the taxes you pay, the balance of every debt, bank account, and investment that’s in your name.

---

If talking about money with your partner seems too difficult, or it causes you to end up in an argument, you may need to speak with a couples counselor for help. Financial troubles only get worse over time if you don’t tackle them as a team.

4. Not Setting Financial Goals Together.

While talking about money and potential problems is certainly the first step couples should take when moving in together, you should also set financial goals together. For instance, if one dreams about retiring early to sail around the world and the other wants to work as long as possible and settle in the mountains, you’ll need to reconcile those differences.

If you have major differences in how you handle money, don’t ever think that by moving in together or getting married that you can change the other person. Someone who is reckless with their finances or doesn’t care about paying bills on time isn’t likely to change their tune very quickly, if ever.

Many people need help creating a financial plan, so don’t hesitate to use a professional, such as a fee-only financial advisor. Check out sites like the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors at NAPFA.org or the Certified Financial Planner Board at CFP.net to find one.

When you’re a committed couple, it’s smart to strategize and organize your life in unison. You can accomplish much more together than you ever could apart.

Get More Money Girl!

If you're ready for help managing debt, building credit, and reaching big financial goals, check out Laura's private Facebook Group, Dominate Your Dollars! Request an invitation to join this growing community of like-minded people who want to take their financial lives to the next level.

To connect on social media, you’ll find Money Girl on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Also, if you’re not already subscribed to the Money Girl podcast on Apple Podcasts or the Stitcher app, both are free and make sure that you’ll get each new weekly episode as soon as it’s published on the web. The show is also on the Spotify mobile app! Click here to sign up for the free Money Girl Newsletter!

Download FREE chapters of Money Girl’s Smart Moves to Grow Rich

Young Couple Taking Selfies image courtesy of Shutterstock

Is Meratrim Effective for Weight Loss?

LeeAnn recently asked me to weigh in on the latest herbal weight loss supplement called Meratrim. LeeAnn, who is a professor of nutrition, is appropriately skeptical about such things. But when she went to investigate, she discovered a handful of published clinical studies to support the claims. So, is this new herbal supplement the weight loss miracle we’ve all been waiting for?

What is Meratrim?

Meratrim is a proprietary blend of two botanical extracts. The first is called Sphaeranthus indicus, also known as the East Indian globe thistle. It has a history of use in Ayurvedic medicine. (I talked about the science of Ayurveda in a previous podcast.) Some preliminary research done in mice suggests that it might be useful in controlling blood sugar levels.

The other ingredient is an extract from the mangosteen, one of those tropical “superfruits” that is purported to have a long list of health benefits, including anti-obesity and anti-diabetic properties. So far, however, the research has been mostly limited to animal and test-tube studies.

What Does the Research on Meratrim Say?

But what happens when these two promising but largely unproven compounds are combined? The manufacturers of the supplement have funded some independent research to find out. Back in 2013, researchers at UC Davis tested the supplement vs. a placebo in 100 obese individuals. The subjects included both men and women, all in their late 30s. The average weight was about 81 kilograms or 180 pounds.

The study ran for eight weeks and during that time all the participants had all of their meals delivered to them. They were given about 2000 calories a day. Although that’s not an extremely low-calorie diet, it was fewer calories than these individuals would have been consuming before the study. Half the participants took the Meratrim and the other half took a placebo. They were also instructed to get thirty minutes of moderate activity, such as walking, every day.

Not surprisingly, they all lost weight. But the group taking the supplement lost a lot more. While the placebo group lost about 2% of their beginning weight (or about 3.5 pounds), the supplement group lost over 6% of their starting weight (an average of 11 pounds). That’s pretty dramatic.

A second study was conducted in India in 2016. This time, the 60 subjects were overweight but not obese and the study ran for 16 weeks instead of right. The subjects were given instructions about what and how much to eat but they were on their own in terms of preparing their meals. They were also asked to exercise moderately. Despite the differences, the results were very similar to the first study. Although the overweight participants lost weight more slowly than the more obese subjects in the first study, by the time all was said and done, the group taking the supplement lost about 6% of their starting weight and the placebo group lost less than 2%.

---

Based on these small trials, it sure does look like this supplement is doing something to enhance the effects of diet and exercise on weight loss. But I think it’s still too soon to declare victory over obesity.

Short-Term Solution to a Long-Term Challenge

For one thing, we don’t really know what happens next. Were the subjects able to maintain that weight loss over time? If not, then this product is just yet another short-term fix that fails to address the long-term problem. It adds approximately nothing to the ineffective approaches to weight loss that we already have.

When we lose weight quickly, we tend to lose more muscle tissue, which is not what we’re after.

We need to know whether these results can be sustained—and whether or not that requires a lifetime of supplementation. Although no adverse effects were observed during the course of the study, we don’t know if these compounds are safe to take on a long-term basis. It’s also possible (even probable) that the body would become resistant to their effects after a while.

There’s also the lifestyle piece. Regardless of how (or how fast) you lose weight, sustaining a lower weight requires changes in habits, behavior, and lifestyle—and no supplement can do that work for us.

Is Faster Weight Loss a Win?

Finally, I’m not at all convinced that the group that lost 6% of their body weight over the course of a couple of months was actually better off than the group that lost just 2%. When we lose weight quickly, we tend to lose more muscle tissue, which is not what we’re after. Quick weight loss can also trigger unhelpful changes in the hormones that regulate metabolism and appetite. Although it takes more patience, my experience has shown that slow weight loss is more sustainable and ultimately more beneficial.  

So, Professor Simons, here’s my assessment of Meratrim: Although the trials were short and fairly modest in size, there’s a lot more clinical evidence to support this weight loss supplement than most. And the differences observed between the supplement and placebo were not just statistically significant but actually meaningful, as well. If our goal were simply to help people shed weight more quickly than they would through diet changes alone, perhaps we could call this a winner.

However, I have a different goal: to help people lose weight in a way that preserves their metabolism and muscle mass, and to develop the habits and lifestyle that will allow them to maintain a lower body weight for life. Although this supplement might be useful in some cases (and only as part of a larger strategy), I don’t think it’s a silver bullet against obesity. 

Image of supplement pills © Shutterstock

Celebrating Julia Child's Legacy

In 1948 Julia was thirty-six, and described herself as “a rather loud and unformed social butterfly.” Raised in a wealthy Pasadena, California, household with a cook, and educated at Smith College, Julia had no professional direction, and knew hardly anything about food or France. Yet deep down she sensed that she was destined to do something special in life. The question was: what would that be, and how would she achieve it?

In her first months in Paris, Julia took French classes, worked part-time organizing the USIS files for Paul, and tentatively began to shop at local outdoor markets, and at Les Halles, the teeming marketplace in the center of the city. It was there, and in Paris’s famous restaurants, that she first discovered a passion for “good food, carefully prepared.”

Wandering the city, the Childs discovered places like La Truite, a snug restaurant off the Faubourg Saint-Honoré, which specialized in what Julia called “really chickeny-chicken”—a flavorful bird from Bresse that was suspended by a string and roasted before an electric grill. Or Chez la Mère Michel, a hole-in-the-wall bistro on the Right Bank that specialized in fish napped with a beurre blanc “wonder-sauce.” Or Le Grand Véfour, an ornate three-star restaurant dating to 1750, tucked in behind the gardens of the Palais Royal. There, Paul and Julia were bouleversé—bowled over—by the staff’s cordiality, the “deft and understated” service, the “spectacular” food, and even their fellow patrons, who included the novelist Colette. “You are so hypnotized by everything there that you feel grateful as you pay the bill,” Paul quipped of Le Grand Véfour.

Sampling her way through the délices of Paris, with Paul’s enthusiastic encouragement, Julia began to develop a sophisticated palate. And before long she felt the urge to learn how to cook coq au vin, boeuf bourguignon, and coquilles Saint-Jacques herself.

***

Paul and Julia settled into a multistoried apartment at 81 Rue de l’Université (which they nicknamed the “Roo de Loo”), on the Left Bank, next to the National Assembly and across the Seine from the American embassy. Their landlords were the Du Couédics, a genteel family of the fading aristocracy. Their femme de ménage (housekeeper) was called Jeanne-la-folle (crazy Jeanne). Their poussiquette was named Minette.

Before long, Julia’s sister Dorothy, known as “Dort,” came to visit and then moved in nearby. (Their brother, John McWilliams, remained in the States.) An inch taller and five years younger than Julia, Dort worked at the American Club Theater of Paris. She jumped into the expat social scene with both size-twelve feet, and eventually met her husband, Ivan Cousins, a Marshall Plan administrator, at the theater.

While Paul toiled in the semi-chaotic Visual Presentation Department at the embassy during the week, Julia decided it was high time she learned how to cook. In October 1949 she enrolled in the Cordon Bleu cooking school. The school’s ill-tempered director, Madame Élisabeth Brassart, first placed her in a “housewives” class in a sunlit room at the top of the building. When Julia complained that the class was too expensive and too simple, she was sent to the basement, to join a class of GIs learning to cook on the GI Bill. The Army men were not entirely pleased to have a tall Smith grad in pearls enter their classroom. But Julia soon distinguished herself as the hardest-working student in the basement.

Her mentor at the Cordon Bleu was Chef Max Bugnard, who taught her some of the same lessons that Paul had learned about photography—that mastering technique is essential, that it is “always worth taking time, and care, to do things right. And have fun—yes fun, Madame Scheeld,” Bugnard would say. “Cooking is joy!” Bugnard was a kindred spirit to the Childs. Paul approved of his humanistic and careful approach to food, and life. Julia internalized Bugnard’s lessons, and would repeat them to her students and audiences for the rest of her career.

Learning to cook la cuisine bourgeoise—delicious, carefully prepared, middle-class food—Julia experienced a “flowering of the soul” in Paris. Not only was French cuisine the best-tasting food she had ever had, she declared, it was easy to learn because it was built on a set of clearly established rules (first codified by Georges-Auguste Escoffier, the legendary chef and father of la Grande Cuisine). This latter aspect of French cooking appealed to the Childs’ respect for scientific rigor, combined with passion. “In France,” Paul liked to say, “good cooking is a combination of high art and competitive sport.”

One could say the same of photography.

Excerpted from France is a Feast: The Photographic Journey of Paul and Julia Child, by Alex Prud’homme & Katie Pratt

Text copyright © 2017 Alex Prud’homme

Reprinted by permission of Thames & Hudson Inc., http://ift.tt/1mDjOGz

Do Essential Oils Work?

Your friend suggests that you use a lotion infused with peppermint essential oil to help combat your nausea. Your coworker insists that he has never slept so well since starting to sprinkle a little lavender oil on his pillow at night. Last year alone consumers in the United States spent $1 billion on essential oil products and is expected to exceed $11 billion by the year 2022. But what does the research say? Do essential oils really work?

What is Aromatherapy?

Essential oils are oils, typically fragrant ones, that have been extracted from the roots, flowers, leaves, or seeds of plants using steam or applied pressure. The qualifier “essential” refers to the fact that the oil contains the “essence” of the plant (i.e. the natural chemicals that provide a distinct odor or flavor). In the practice of aromatherapy, these oils—once diluted—are applied to the skin, smelled, dabbed on a pillow or in a bath, or heated so that their aroma is dispersed into the air. Some soaps and lotions can also be made with essential oils and used as aromatherapy products.

The use of essential oils is cross-cultural and dates back thousands of years. Many know the story of frankincense being offered as one of the gifts of the Magi. Even if you haven’t purchased an essential oil roller or diffuser, chances are you may have used them anyway. Vick’s Vaporub, typically rubbed on the chest as a cough suppressant, contains the essential eucalyptus, cedarleaf, and nutmeg oils (among others) suspended in petroleum jelly.

Do Essential Oils and Aromatherapy Work?

The National Institute of Health provides a thorough summary via the US National Library of Medicine of research conducted into the efficacy of essential oils. Currently, there is no evidence-backed research showing any illnesses that can be cured through the use of essential oils or the practice of aromatherapy. The results on the other possible benefits of essential oils as, for example, mood elevators or stress relievers, are more mixed, but most are still inconclusive.

One of the scientific studies that have revealed positive results from essential oils involves patients with dementia. Although contrary to common lore, drinking a tablespoon of fish oil every day won’t likely stave off dementia, there is evidence that balm from lemon oil reduces agitation in patients with dementia according to a study in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.

---

There are other proven success stories for essential oils, such as the treatment of acne with tea tree oil and the treatment of alopecia areata or hair loss with oils like thyme, rosemary, lavender and cedarwood.

Research into the use of essential oils found in citrus fruits is particularly intriguing due to their natural antibacterial qualities. For example, citrus oil, particularly when combined with Dead Sea salts, was shown to inhibit bacterial growth in mice and act as an anti-inflammatory agent. The citrus essential oil bergamot could help fight the growth of common causes of food poisoning like listeria, e coli, and staphylococcus.

Before you spend $40 on a 15-mL bottle, you might want to try a scented candle first.

However, most of these studies have not yet extended to clinical trials, meaning there is still much more work to do before essential oils would be potentially prescribed by physicians. Given the strong public interest in essential oils, whether it be to target things other medicines have so far failed to fix (like migraines, anxiety, stress, insomnia, and memory) or to control what goes into their medicine cabinet without a prescription, more research into the possible benefits of essential oils is clearly worthwhile.

There are very few noted side effects associated with the use of essential oils, although in the US they do not require approval from the FDA. One exception is the estrogen-like effects noted for lavender and tea tree oils which have been linked to breast enlargement in pre-pubescent boys when applied over long periods of time.

So if you’re looking to relieve stress, adding a few drops of diluted essential oils to a warm bath probably doesn’t hurt. But before you spend $40 on a 15-mL bottle, you might want to try a scented candle first.

Until next time, this is Sabrina Stierwalt with Everyday Einstein’s Quick and Dirty Tips for helping you make sense of science. You can become a fan of Everyday Einstein on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, where I’m @QDTeinstein. If you have a question that you’d like to see on a future episode, send me an email at everydayeinstein@quickanddirtytips.com.

Image courtesy of shutterstock.

Saying "No" to Difficult Requests

I love the phrase "Yes, Dear." It makes everything better at home. But not at work. Calling your boss "Dear" in public just doesn't cut it. Not even if you're married, or having an affair, or just being a smarmy corporate climber. The word "Dear" can get you ostracized, fired, and taken to court. But it's the word "Yes" that does the real damage.

Saying "No" Never Fails

Josh from St. Augustine, Florida asked "is there any productivity system that works 100% of the time?" The answer is, Yes, say "No." Too many "Yes"es overcommit us. If you say "Yes" to more than you can handle, you'll never, ever catch up. Period. It can't be done. Yet most of us have a very hard time saying "No," especially to our boss. "Miss my kid's soccer game because you screwed up the schedule again? Sure boss, I'd love to."

Why do we do this? If I'm going to be in a soul-destroying co-dependent relationship, why would I do it with my boss? I'd choose someone I love--like my snuggle bunny--to make me that miserable. But a better choice is learning to say "Yes" to yourself. Protect your boundaries. Only take on work you can handle. And say "No" when someone asks you to go past your limits.

The Consequences of Saying "Yes"

I can hear what you're thinking. "If I say No, I'll get fired.  My family won't love me. Other kids won't play with me. I'll die alone in a gutter, smelling of booze, missing several teeth." Yes, it could happen. And if you say "Yes," you'll overcommit, lose your family, lose yourself, and live alone in a cubicle, smelling of mouse pads, missing your life. Your choice. Sure, saying "No" has real consequences. It's just that saying "Yes" does, too. And most of us are way too scared of the consequences of "No," and not nearly scared enough of the consequences of "Yes."

---

How to Say "No"

If it's your boss asking, you can just say, "My plate is full. Let's review my projects and decide what to change so I have time to add something" Then, review and reprioritize. Just make sure the new priorities get added to the objectives for your yearly review.

But if your boss won't listen to reason, or if it's your friend asking you to host an Edible Power Tools party, you just may need to say "No."  The best "No"s I've ever heard are from Byron Katie, New York Times best-selling author of "Loving What Is" and "I Need Your Love--Is That True?"

She graciously agreed to an interview, where she demonstrated an honest "No." (What was she going to say, "No?") Saying "No" doesn't mean you have to get angry, defensive, or unpleasant. You listen fully to the other person. Acknowledge what they've said, and then say "...and no." Let's listen. Katie will demonstrate an honest "No." Listen carefully to her voice tone and the simplicity of her answers. She doesn't argue. She doesn't justify. She doesn't get angry or sarcastic. And she doesn't back down.

So I'll be your boss, and I'm going to ask that you skip some family time for work.

S: Hi, Katie! I know it's 3 o'clock Friday afternoon, but I just remembered I need the TPS report by Monday morning.
K: You know, actually, I'm unable to. I can't. But I know there's another way. Why don't you call ... so-and-so.
S: Oh, but Katie--I need YOU to do it.
K: You know, I hear that, and I'm unable to. Merry Christmas.
S: Surely, you could just do it tonight, after dinner.
K: You know, actually, I'm unable to. I can't.
S: This is going to show up on your annual review.
K: I hear that, and I think that's a very honest thing to do, because in reality, that's correct.

---

Now, a co-worker asking for a favor.

S: I am your co-worker. I have a hair appointment at lunch. Could you cover for me at the desk?
K: You know, actually, I'm unable to.
S: Oh, come on. I'll cover for you next time.
K: You know, I really appreciate that. I'll look forward to that for sure. And I'm unable to cover you on this one, but I know you'll have a great time at the hair-dresser.
S: You're not being a team player here!
K: You know, it really looks that way, doesn't it? And of course, as we know, I am.

Finally, a teenager who wants the car.

S: I'm a teenager and you're a mother.
S: Hey Mom! Can I use your car to go to the movies?
K: No, actually, no.
S: All the other kids' parents let them use the car.
K: Oh, my goodness, it's true, isn't it? You know, we really have different lives.
S: If you loved me, you'd let me use the car.
K: You know, it's so interesting you would say that. You know, I love you with all my heart, and I'm not letting you use the car.
S: Mom, I hate you! I hate you! Everything in my life that's wrong is wrong because of you.
K: Oh, honey. I'm so sorry you feel that way. I adore you.

Say "No" to Say "Yes"

Remember: sometimes you need to say "No" to interruptions so you can say "Yes" to your current commitments. Listen deeply, acknowledge the other person, and then say "No" from a place of kindness.

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

Links:

• Byron Katie interview: http://ift.tt/2zMiOcH
• Byron Katie's web site: http://www.TheWork.com

Image courtesy of Shutterstock

Are You a Pushover Parent? 5 Ways to Stay Strong

Becoming a parent not only allows us the incredible privilege and responsibility to care, nurture and love our child it also affords us the opportunity to take on a few unexpected titles other than mom and dad. We are coaches, cheerleaders, chauffeurs, counselors, teachers, disciplinarians, coddlers, providers, and many times—pushovers!

Without even realizing it parents can fall into the trap of being a pushover parent—one that aims to please their child for various reasons such as trying to avoid a meltdown or tantrum, not wanting to be a mean parent, wanting to be your child’s friend or simply just because you hate saying “no”. This tactic might seem harmless from time to time, but unfortunately, this approach sends the message to your kids that the world revolves around them and that you will make sure they never have to face a negative situation in their young or –get ready—their dramatic tween/teen lives.

Though parenting will always have it’s ups and downs, you don’t have to be targeted as a pushover if you establish Mighty Mommy’s 5 straight-forward, commonsense strategies that allow for your entire family to live in a happy, parent-driven environment.

How to Not Be a Pushover Parent

1. Tip #1: Mean What You Say.
2. Tip #2: Provide Expectations and Consequences.
3. Tip #3: Have Routines.
4. Tip #4: Don’t Make it Easy All the Time.
5. Tip #5: Learn to Say Yes Without Being a Sucker.

Let's look at these a little closer.

Tip #1: Mean What You Say.

If there’s one piece of parenting advice I could give to all new parents, it would be to “mean what you say,” because this action lends total credibility to your role as the parent and caregiver. Sending your child mixed messages can ultimately lead to your own demise as a pushover parent, and it really isn’t fair to your kids. Make sure your child knows if you promise consequences for good or bad behavior that you will deliver on them every time. Consistent parenting makes kids feel secure because there are no surprises by you, the parent, when a decision or promise is made. If you’re not consistent all of the time, you’re teaching your kids that your word is worth nothing. Just don't say it if you aren't going to do it. And on the other hand, if you say it, be prepared to do it.

Tip #2: Provide Expectations and Consequences.

Being a pushover parent means you might threaten consequences but never reinforce them. To change this behavior, come up with expectations and consequences for any rule breaking.

Children of all ages need to know the family rules for everything from helping out with chores, to completing homework, to bedtime and curfews, to acceptable behavior toward others. The time to discuss these matters is when things are going well, not after an incident has occurred. Sit down with your kids and let them know what types of behaviors you will not tolerate in your family. List examples of unacceptable behaviors such as treating others with disrespect, being fresh or rude, name calling, refusing to do chores or homework, mistreating possessions, hitting, biting, or any other physical aggression.

You cannot expect your child, regardless of age, to be compliant if he doesn’t know your expectations. Holding your child accountable does not result in a child who is obedient 100% of the time, but it does mean that you set the limits, and you provide a consequence when your child decides to break the rules. By maintaining this consistently, your days of being a pushover will come to an end.

Include your tween or teen in creating solutions for chronically disrespectful situations. If you’re going through the same nagging motions night after night, call a meeting. Sit down, calmly spell out the problem, and then surprise them: Ask them to think of some solutions. Model respect for them by truly listening and making them a partner in the solution. 

For example, say your daughter is constantly battling with you over when to start homework. Say, “Hey, we’ve been having daily battles about when to start your homework and it’s not working for either of us. I think you should start your homework at 7, but you’re often busy with something else. How can we solve this?” 

---

Then, unleash another surprise: Let your child air her grievances (respectfully). Maybe she hates it when you refer to her as lazy. Maybe she needs some more wind down time after school. Now bring it home with a third surprise: suggest both of you work to change.

Once you’ve come up with a mutually agreeable solution (say, you’ll give a 15-minute warning at 7pm and then she’ll wrap up what she’s doing and start homework by 7:15), write it down. Somehow putting the agreement on paper makes it more real, more solid for all parties. Post your new agreement in a central location like the kitchen.

Finally, agree what will happen if the agreement is broken on either side (there shouldn’t only be negatives for your child!) If you slip up and call her lazy, you’ll put $5 in a jar which your child gets when her homework is done. If your child hasn’t started homework by 7:15, she forfeits hanging out with her BFF this weekend.

Tip #3: Have Routines.

As the mother of eight kids ranging in age from 12 to 24, I can tell you firsthand that one of the biggest reasons I still haven’t lost my mind (well, not totally!) is because of my one secret weapon: routines.

Adults may find routines to be boring, or too much work to implement, but when you’re raising a family, juggling work, running a household, and trying like crazy to find time for yourself and your partner, establishing daily routines is essential.

Not only do routines help keep order and structure in your home (though your kids might never admit it), they also help kids thrive and keep them grounded. In an article on pushover parenting, Dr Aric Sigman, author of The Spoilt Generation, says, "Parents are in charge and children need rules and boundaries to make them feel secure. We need to trust our own instincts and not shirk our responsibility of being a parent."

I truly have found that having rock-solid routines helps keep our household a more parent-centric environment that my kids have come to count on and respect.

Tip #4: Don’t Make It Easy All the Time.

Overprotective parents are also ripe for becoming chronic pushovers. When you hold your child in your arms for the very first time, time stands still as you dream about how perfect you want his world to be. You may even secretly make a pact with yourself to do everything in your power to keep him safe, no matter what it takes because as a parent you want only the best for him.

That’s admirable and totally understandable but once he starts to grow and exert his independence, like it or not you’re going to have to let him spread his wings and experience the world outside of your cozy and safe nest. Pushover parents tend to hover over their kids regardless of whether they are out of the house with friends, at school events, or attending sporting activities “just in case” a problem arises and they can help solve it. They also demonstrate the same behaviors inside their own home such as taking on extra duties for their kids because we have a soft spot in our hearts for simply wanting to make things easier for them.

For example, we see that they’re tired after a long day of school so instead of allowing them to bring their own dirty clothes to the laundry room or feeding the family pet, we jump in and do it for them, thinking we’re doing them a favor. The problem is that this gets misinterpreted by the child. Once he sees that all he needs to do is act tired to get you to handle his chore, it will become a bad habit for both of you. By allowing them to do their share, no matter how small it might be, you’re giving them regular opportunities to contribute and be proud of themselves and they’ll see you’re not going to cave just because they don’t have their usual energy to contribute. See also: How to Get Your Kids to Help with Chores.

Tip #5: Learn to Say Yes Without Being a Sucker.

Childhood sets the tone for how a child views himself, others, and the world. That's why we as parents need to allow our kids to take full advantage of the many opportunities childhood offers.  When we say ‘yes’ to reasonable requests, we give our children the chance to grow.  When we habitually say ‘no,’ or do so without good cause, we deny them the chance to fully enjoy the carefree pleasures of childhood. There is a happy medium between being a “yes” man and a negative Nellie.

For example, most kids are famous for asking to do something at the most inopportune moment or doing so in front of their friends thinking you’ll cave into their request. Just this past weekend my 15-year-old son wanted to invite one of his friends over for a sleepover and asked me right in front of the kid, which really put me on the spot. “Can Ethan sleep over tonight, mom? We already asked his mom and she said yes.” (Don't you just love it?) Instead of saying “Sure, why not?” I said: “Yes, Ethan can sleep over, but not tonight, I already made plans to go out with some work colleagues. How does next Friday night sound instead?”

This way, it didn't leave much room for argument, I wasn’t a sucker even though I had been put on the spot, and it also didn't embarrass him in front of his friend. Win-win!

How do you keep from having pushover tendencies? Share your thoughts in the comments section at http://ift.tt/1zMEe2L, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5

Image of bossy kid© Shutterstock

5 Tricks to Handle Passive Aggressive People

Slights with a smile. Silence when you know they can hear you. Compliments with a side of side-eye. Passive aggressive people know how to serve up a veritable buffet of “Oh no she didn’t.” And tacking on “LOL” afterwards doesn’t negate things.

However it manifests, passive aggression is the fine art of being angry without seeming angry. There are two ingredients: anger and avoidance.

The first, anger—or its cousins annoyance, frustration, or irritation—always bubbles beneath the surface. But trying to suppress anger is like trying to keep a lid on a pot of boiling water. Eventually, it will spew out like a steam vent.

In addition to thinly-veiled anger, the second ingredient in passive aggression is avoidance. It’s a way to avoid conflict, avoid feeling genuine anger, and avoid having to be direct in a situation where one feels incapable.

Individuals who are passive aggressive learned somewhere along the way that it’s not okay to be angry. Maybe they were taught that conflict is so threatening it has to be avoided at all costs. Maybe they were taught that being “nice” is the only option. Or maybe it’s their way of expressing their dissatisfaction without outright rebellion.

So what to do when your partner insists through clenched teeth, “I’m not mad.” Or your teenager says with an eye roll, “Geez, you didn’t tell me you wanted me to do my laundry today”? Or your roommate spells out “I unclogged the drain” in bathtub hair that looks suspiciously like yours? Here are 6 tips to try.

How to Handle Passive Aggressive People

1. Tip #1: Look for a pattern.
2. Tip #2: Make it clear that it’s safe to talk it out.
3. Tip #3: For incurable cases, validate them…
4. Tip #4: ...hold them to their responsibilities…
5. Tip #5: ...and reward them when they’re properly assertive.

Let's explore each a little further.

Tip #1: Look for a pattern.

We’re all human, and we all have our days. Sometimes a comment or an eye roll will leak out, like a spurt from a steam vent.

But if it’s a pattern, or a default when things get stressful, passive-aggression needs to be dealt with.

But dealing with it is precisely what the passive aggressive person is trying to avoid. Passive aggressive people avoid conflict like the plague. They’re too scared or just don’t know how to handle conflict, so they avoid it. But then resentment builds and their hostility leaks more than a porcupine’s raincoat. Which brings us to...

Tip #2: Make it clear that it’s safe to talk it out.

Passive aggressive people are afraid you’ll yell at them, reject them, stop loving them, or otherwise react in a much stronger manner than you actually will.

It’s particularly important to call out passive aggressive behavior at work. Passive aggressive colleagues are often unhappy or insecure in their jobs. But rather than raising the issue, passive aggressive co-workers create obstacles, waste time, and generally make everyone’s job more difficult, not to mention less pleasant.

Therefore, whether at work or at home, make it clear you would rather hear about problems than leave them roiling under wraps. Critically, reinforce this by not reacting with the very thing they’re afraid of. If you blow your top, belittle them, or otherwise silence their anger, they’ll go right back to letting it bubble under the surface again. They’ll go right back into their shell, like a hermit crab with only the claws hanging out.

Now, if you try to talk it out but they still deny anger or dissatisfaction (“Me? I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” Or, “Sorry I was late, but you should have sent a reminder email,”) things suddenly go to a whole different level. Which brings us to...

---

Tip #3: For incurable cases, validate them…

Sometimes, passive aggression is so ingrained it becomes a default way to deal with the world. For chronically passive aggressive individuals, in addition to avoiding anger, they avoid responsibility.

Passive aggressive people do this to avoid being exposed as a failure (after all, if the dog eats their homework, you can’t give them an F on it) or to avoid a job they think they’re too good for (“Who does Dad think he is, telling me to mow the lawn?”).

However it manifests, the passive aggressive person acts defensive; they make themselves the victim. This puts you in a difficult place, because no matter how you present it, they’ll see your attempt to communicate and raise you a deflection and an excuse. “What? I unloaded the dishwasher just like you asked—you didn’t tell me I had to put the dishes in the cabinet.”

After all, passive aggressive people, as aggravating as they are, are just like everybody else at heart: they want love and approval.

Therefore, start with empathy. Acknowledge their excuse, even if you’re rolling your eyes internally. Why? It’s vital to align yourself with them, because working against them is slippery at best, antagonistic at worst. “I hear you.” “That sounds hard.” “I understand.” “I get it.” Make it clear that you’re working together as a team. But then...

Tip #4: ...hold them to their responsibilities…

People who are passive aggressive do it precisely because they get away with it. If they get a free pass because the dog ate their homework, you can bet they’ll be dipping tonight’s homework in gravy and making it happen again.

So acknowledge their situation, align yourself with them, but then hold them to their responsibilities, even if (especially if!) it would be easier to bail them out or do their job yourself.

For example, “The dog ate your homework? I’m so sorry that happened to you. That happened to me a few times—it stinks. Here’s another copy—you can hand it in tomorrow along with tonight’s homework.”

In a nutshell, there’s acknowledgement and sympathy for their victimhood, but the standards don’t change. It’s worth the inconvenience on your part to nip it in the bud.  “I understand you didn’t go to the grocery store because you couldn’t remember what I asked you to pick up. But I still need onions and lemons to make dinner, so thanks for going now.”  

Tip #5: ...and reward them when they’re properly assertive.

If the chronically-late passive aggressive person manages to show up on time, express genuine pleasure that they’re present. Not with a sarcastic, “Nice to see you on time for once,” but with a big smile and a seat at the table.

Likewise, if someone who usually procrastinates completes a task on time, give them the praise they secretly want. “Hey, you’re here right on the dot. I really appreciate that.”

After all, passive aggressive people, as aggravating as they are, are just like everybody else at heart: they want love and approval. And while they sure make it hard to get past their prickles, with some strategic moves, you can help them behave better around you, which is totally worth missing out on hilariously passive aggressive notes left in the office fridge. 

Pre-order Ellen's forthcoming book HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Get even more savvy tips to be happier and healthier by subscribing to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, or get each episode delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the newsletter. Follow on Facebook and Twitter.

For free, helpful downloads to fight social anxiety and be your authentic self, visit EllenHendriksen.com.

Image of offended boy and girl © Shutterstock