Even if you’ve never said anything to your kids about your relationship troubles, they can feel the tension and know something’s going on. It’s very distressing to kids when they can sense things changing but don’t understand exactly what or why.
Due to what can be an understandably distressing time for separating partners, sometimes you can’t or don’t spend enough time attending to the effects of this stressful disruption on your children. Or maybe you’re so worried about the negative impact on your children that you avoid the topic out of fear. Either way, your child might be left inadequately informed about the break up of their family unit.
Whether you’re at a loss for what you might tell them or you’re trying to protect their innocence, it’s important to remember that without clear explanations your child is left on their own to grapple with their confusion, anger, sadness, and uncertainty about their future. But, if they are well-informed and feel safe coming to you for clarity or comfort with any and all of their questions and feelings, your children can ultimately come through the separation or divorce with resiliency.
Remain calm, and speak openly and supportively to the kids to reassure them that you can work as a team.
When should we tell the kids we’re splitting?
It depends on your child’s age, of course, but a good rule of thumb is to wait until A) a change in their life is imminent and B) you have as many answers for them as possible so that you’re prepared for the many questions your children will have.
Children under 8 might have more difficulty conceptualizing their life far in the future. For younger children, hold off until you have most of the particulars nailed down and someone is planning on moving out of the family home or into a different bedroom very soon. The younger the child, the more you want to avoid creating an overly prolonged period of time where the child must anticipate and perhaps worry about a change they can’t quite visualize. For older children, you’ll want to give more lead time, particularly if a change of their school or neighborhood is involved in the transition.
You also don’t want your children to find out about your separation from someone other than you, so if you’re beginning to tell your community, tell your kids as well. Ideally, tell your children first, then alert your close community, giving them similar information that you’ve given your kids.
How do we tell them?
You’re going to want to help them understand that you’ll be separating or divorcing, that this is in no way their fault, that reconciliation is impossible, and that you love them and that that fact is never going to change.
They need to know what comes next and what will happen to them in all this. How will this separation affect their lives? You also want to let them know that they can ask you anything and...
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