Becoming a parent not only allows us the incredible privilege and responsibility to care, nurture and love our child it also affords us the opportunity to take on a few unexpected titles other than mom and dad. We are coaches, cheerleaders, chauffeurs, counselors, teachers, disciplinarians, coddlers, providers, and many times—pushovers!
Without even realizing it parents can fall into the trap of being a pushover parent—one that aims to please their child for various reasons such as trying to avoid a meltdown or tantrum, not wanting to be a mean parent, wanting to be your child’s friend or simply just because you hate saying “no”. This tactic might seem harmless from time to time, but unfortunately, this approach sends the message to your kids that the world revolves around them and that you will make sure they never have to face a negative situation in their young or –get ready—their dramatic tween/teen lives.
Though parenting will always have it’s ups and downs, you don’t have to be targeted as a pushover if you establish Mighty Mommy’s 5 straight-forward, commonsense strategies that allow for your entire family to live in a happy, parent-driven environment.
How to Not Be a Pushover Parent
- Tip #1: Mean What You Say.
- Tip #2: Provide Expectations and Consequences.
- Tip #3: Have Routines.
- Tip #4: Don’t Make it Easy All the Time.
- Tip #5: Learn to Say Yes Without Being a Sucker.
Let's look at these a little closer.
Tip #1: Mean What You Say.
If there’s one piece of parenting advice I could give to all new parents, it would be to “mean what you say,” because this action lends total credibility to your role as the parent and caregiver. Sending your child mixed messages can ultimately lead to your own demise as a pushover parent, and it really isn’t fair to your kids. Make sure your child knows if you promise consequences for good or bad behavior that you will deliver on them every time. Consistent parenting makes kids feel secure because there are no surprises by you, the parent, when a decision or promise is made. If you’re not consistent all of the time, you’re teaching your kids that your word is worth nothing. Just don't say it if you aren't going to do it. And on the other hand, if you say it, be prepared to do it.
Tip #2: Provide Expectations and Consequences.
Being a pushover parent means you might threaten consequences but never reinforce them. To change this behavior, come up with expectations and consequences for any rule breaking.
Children of all ages need to know the family rules for everything from helping out with chores, to completing homework, to bedtime and curfews, to acceptable behavior toward others. The time to discuss these matters is when things are going well, not after an incident has occurred. Sit down with your kids and let them know what types of behaviors you will not tolerate in your family. List examples of unacceptable behaviors such as treating others with disrespect, being fresh or rude, name calling, refusing to do chores or homework, mistreating possessions, hitting, biting, or any other physical aggression.
You cannot expect your child, regardless of age, to be compliant if he doesn’t know your expectations. Holding your child accountable does not result in a child who is obedient 100% of the time, but it does mean that you set the limits, and you provide a consequence when your child decides to break the rules. By maintaining this consistently, your days of being a pushover will come to an end.
Include your tween or teen in creating solutions for chronically disrespectful situations. If you’re going through the same nagging motions night after night, call a meeting. Sit down, calmly spell out the problem, and then surprise them: Ask them to think of some solutions. Model respect for them by truly listening and making them a partner in the solution.
For example, say your daughter is constantly battling with you over when to start homework. Say, “Hey, we’ve been having daily battles about when to start your homework and it’s not working for either of us. I think you should start your homework at 7, but you’re often busy with something else. How can we solve this?”
Then, unleash another surprise: Let your child air her grievances (respectfully). Maybe she hates it when you refer to her as lazy. Maybe she needs some more wind down time after school. Now bring it home with a third surprise: suggest both of you work to change.
Once you’ve come up with a mutually agreeable solution (say, you’ll give a 15-minute warning at 7pm and then she’ll wrap up what she’s doing and start homework by 7:15), write it down. Somehow putting the agreement on paper makes it more real, more solid for all parties. Post your new agreement in a central location like the kitchen.
Finally, agree what will happen if the agreement is broken on either side (there shouldn’t only be negatives for your child!) If you slip up and call her lazy, you’ll put $5 in a jar which your child gets when her homework is done. If your child hasn’t started homework by 7:15, she forfeits hanging out with her BFF this weekend.
Tip #3: Have Routines.
As the mother of eight kids ranging in age from 12 to 24, I can tell you firsthand that one of the biggest reasons I still haven’t lost my mind (well, not totally!) is because of my one secret weapon: routines.
Adults may find routines to be boring, or too much work to implement, but when you’re raising a family, juggling work, running a household, and trying like crazy to find time for yourself and your partner, establishing daily routines is essential.
Not only do routines help keep order and structure in your home (though your kids might never admit it), they also help kids thrive and keep them grounded. In an article on pushover parenting, Dr Aric Sigman, author of The Spoilt Generation, says, "Parents are in charge and children need rules and boundaries to make them feel secure. We need to trust our own instincts and not shirk our responsibility of being a parent."
I truly have found that having rock-solid routines helps keep our household a more parent-centric environment that my kids have come to count on and respect.
Tip #4: Don’t Make It Easy All the Time.
Overprotective parents are also ripe for becoming chronic pushovers. When you hold your child in your arms for the very first time, time stands still as you dream about how perfect you want his world to be. You may even secretly make a pact with yourself to do everything in your power to keep him safe, no matter what it takes because as a parent you want only the best for him.
That’s admirable and totally understandable but once he starts to grow and exert his independence, like it or not you’re going to have to let him spread his wings and experience the world outside of your cozy and safe nest. Pushover parents tend to hover over their kids regardless of whether they are out of the house with friends, at school events, or attending sporting activities “just in case” a problem arises and they can help solve it. They also demonstrate the same behaviors inside their own home such as taking on extra duties for their kids because we have a soft spot in our hearts for simply wanting to make things easier for them.
For example, we see that they’re tired after a long day of school so instead of allowing them to bring their own dirty clothes to the laundry room or feeding the family pet, we jump in and do it for them, thinking we’re doing them a favor. The problem is that this gets misinterpreted by the child. Once he sees that all he needs to do is act tired to get you to handle his chore, it will become a bad habit for both of you. By allowing them to do their share, no matter how small it might be, you’re giving them regular opportunities to contribute and be proud of themselves and they’ll see you’re not going to cave just because they don’t have their usual energy to contribute. See also: How to Get Your Kids to Help with Chores.
Tip #5: Learn to Say Yes Without Being a Sucker.
Childhood sets the tone for how a child views himself, others, and the world. That's why we as parents need to allow our kids to take full advantage of the many opportunities childhood offers. When we say ‘yes’ to reasonable requests, we give our children the chance to grow. When we habitually say ‘no,’ or do so without good cause, we deny them the chance to fully enjoy the carefree pleasures of childhood. There is a happy medium between being a “yes” man and a negative Nellie.
For example, most kids are famous for asking to do something at the most inopportune moment or doing so in front of their friends thinking you’ll cave into their request. Just this past weekend my 15-year-old son wanted to invite one of his friends over for a sleepover and asked me right in front of the kid, which really put me on the spot. “Can Ethan sleep over tonight, mom? We already asked his mom and she said yes.” (Don't you just love it?) Instead of saying “Sure, why not?” I said: “Yes, Ethan can sleep over, but not tonight, I already made plans to go out with some work colleagues. How does next Friday night sound instead?”
This way, it didn't leave much room for argument, I wasn’t a sucker even though I had been put on the spot, and it also didn't embarrass him in front of his friend. Win-win!
How do you keep from having pushover tendencies? Share your thoughts in the comments section at http://ift.tt/1zMEe2L, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5
Image of bossy kid© Shutterstock
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