Afraid of a Loved One Dying? How to Keep Yourself Tethered to Now

Recently, a listener wrote to me and asked about how to cope with being afraid of a loved one dying. This immediately brought me back to one memorable patient I saw, years ago, as part of my training at a cancer center. She was a thirty-something entrepreneur, wife, and mother to three young kids. She was at the center because her husband had just been diagnosed with brain cancer.

I tried to put myself in her shoes and could not fathom how she continued to function so well. She was still an attentive mother. She continued to run her business. And she did all this while knowing her husband’s grim prognosis: a 50% chance of surviving the next two years.

Don't get me wrong—she did worry about her husband and her family's future. But we worked on finding meaning and balance in a way that honored her very valid fears while also allowing her to live her life. I learned a lot through working with her.

Spinning around in the 'what ifs' can paralyze anyone with existential fear.

So, what did this brave woman do to quell her profound anxiety? How can we calm our own worries that a loved one will someday die? Or how do we cope if we know that day may well be on the horizon sooner rather than later?

The two types of anxiety over a loved one's death

Let’s get very concrete about this topic because spinning around in the “what ifs” can paralyze anyone with existential fear. To start with, let’s make an important distinction. There are two major types of anxiety about a loved one’s death:

1. When a loved one has a severe illness or is at high risk of dying, and you are anxious about their impending death
2. When your loved ones are not particularly at risk for dying, but you can’t stop worrying about them dying anyway

These two types of anxiety are very different and need different types of responses.

Scenario 1: Worrying when a loved one is at a higher-than-usual risk of dying

This is a common experience for anyone, but it's been tragically even more prevalent in a time when nearly 3 million people have lost their lives to COVID-19, and many millions are at high risk for serious outcomes if they contract the virus. Millions of people also have illnesses like cancer or heart disease that could become fatal. If you have a loved one who's at high risk, facing a serious illness, or near the natural end of their life, you may be worried about the day when they will die.

Don’t expect yourself to be perfectly rational and poised if you're facing the impending loss of someone you love. Allow yourself to feel anxiety and grief.

It’s one thing to rationally understand that...

Keep reading on Quick and Dirty Tips