4 Secrets Therapists Use to Be a Great Listener

Do you know how to be a good listener? It's not only a skill we all need, but one we all crave.

Let’s say you’ve had a tough day, or tough month. You didn’t get that promotion you were promised, and you found out that your more junior coworker makes a higher salary than you. Your AC is out and it’s hot as a sauna. Your separated parents are fighting over who gets you for the holidays. And your favorite khaleesi just dracarys’d a million civilians for no reason at all. (No, I’m still not over it.)

What do you need in this moment? If you’re like me, an iced tea and a friend’s listening ear might be at the top of your list. Which friend would you go to? I’m guessing you’d want someone who's a good listener. But what makes a good listener, exactly? And do you think you’ve got those qualities?

Why listening is a necessary skill

A friend was recently venting to me about her relationship. She’s dating this awesome guy. He's kind, smart, funny, handsome, and her dog loves him … so, pretty much perfect! She really likes him. The only complaint she had was that he’s just not a great listener. Don’t get me wrong, she said—they had great chemistry, talking about everything from travel to music, but if she needed to vent about work frustrations or get some emotional support about family drama, he suddenly clammed up. Not that he would leave the room or do anything rude. Apparently, he was very attentive, willing to sit down for as long as she wanted to talk, and was never impatient or mean. He kept his ears open, maintained good eye contact, and nodded frequently.

So, what was wrong? It sounds like he did a lot of, well ... listening.

The problem, my friend said, was that she felt like she was talking to a wall. A very nice wall, but frustratingly unresponsive. She didn’t get any feedback to indicate that he really understood or empathized with her, that he was thoughtful about what he'd heard, or that he even cared. In other words, she didn’t feel heard.

When she felt this way about her boyfriend, she would sometimes try to talk to her sister about it. The good news is that her sister is certainly responsive. She was very active in giving advice. The downside is that that’s all she did—give advice! Sometimes my friend found this helpful, but sometimes this was just as frustrating as talking to her boyfriend, because the advice was often not on-point or felt judgmental. Most of all, my friend still didn’t get the emotional support she needed. So, in a way, her sister was acting like a wall, too. Perhaps a more interactive one, but just as impenetrable and unhelpful.

So what to do? Being silent doesn’t work. But giving too much advice...

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