My day job is executive coaching. Sports coaches help athletes perform better. Executive coaches help executives and high-potential leaders perform better. But we don’t use a football, or a tennis racket, or a baseball bat (unless our clients misbehave, of course). One of our biggest tools is questions.
When I ask you a question, what happens? That’s right! You stop to think of the answer. Your mind gets engaged, and things start to bubble.
You can use this. As we’ve regretfully acknowledged many times before, our lives would be perfect if only those Other People didn’t get in the way so much. Your teammates, or your pointy-haired boss, or your shmoopies, or your polyamorous family units…they always have emergencies that only you can solve. Wouldn’t it be great if you had a quick way to get them to come up with their own solutions? How can you get them to solve their own problems?
Michael Bungay-Stanier, author of the book The Coaching Habit, did an interview with me about his wonderfully simple set of questions that can help you coach someone through a stuck spot. Use his questions and they’ll think you are a genius. They’ll get unstuck. They’ll do their job. You’ll do yours. Everyone will be happy and unicorns will fly in your window and burp out some beautiful rainbows. What could be better?
Ask: What’s on Your Mind?
When someone comes to you with a problem or challenge, this is a great open-ended question. Ask it, and listen. They’ll start talking and be totally self-absorbed (because we’re all self-absorbed. Even me! In fact, I could tell you stories all about me and the times I was self-absorbed. But these days, I’ve gotten over that. I’m no longer self-absorbed. I know because I pay attention. And I listen, especially when other people tell me how non-self-absorbed I am).
Be other-absorbed. Just listen. Listen to understand where their problems are. There are only three possibilities: they’re challenged by the task, they’re challenged by the people and relationships needed to get the job done, or they’re getting in their own way.
Just figuring that out and reflecting it back to them can be powerful. Let’s ask Melvin “What’s on your mind?” and listen for the three responses.
“We have a new inventory system and I can’t figure it out. I’ve read all the manuals, tried the examples, and still can’t get it to work.” That’s a task problem. “So I keep avoiding it by playing Minecraft, instead.” That’s Melvin getting in his own way. “And besides, Bernice, my boss, keeps nagging me.” That sounds like a people problem.
Ask Them to Elaborate
Now move on to question #2. “And what else?” Since people love to hear themselves talk, when you ask this, they’ll be off like greased lightning. When they pause and think they’re done, ask again. Ask it three to five times and they’ll get clearer and clearer about the issue.
“And what else, Melvin?” “Well, it’s really the nagging that’s upsetting. Bernice isn’t just my boss, she’s my fiancé. It’s a delicate balance on a normal day, and when she acts like this, it makes things even harder to deal with.” Drawing Melvin out leads him to realize that it’s the relationship that’s driving things, not the new system.
Ask Them to Focus
Now that they’ve had a chance to expand their thinking and free associate, ask the question that gets them to draw it all together: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”
The phrasing matters. “For you” makes it about them personally, not the external task.
Melvin’s response: “I guess the real challenge is how to separate the work and relationship issues. How to be OK with Bernice being my boss at work, even though we’re equals in our private life.”
He’s done all the work. He now understands what he really has to deal with, and he probably thinks you’re an absolute genius at this point.
Ask Them to Identify Their Needs
The next question gets them looking forward towards solutions. “What do you want? What do you really want?” People are often quite oblivious to what they actually want until they stop and think about it.
Use simple but well-directed questions to help people find their own answers
Sometimes they can tell you outright what they want. Melvin knows instantly. “I want to make sure that Bernice and I have clear boundaries between our work and home lives.”
Other times you need to listen carefully to what people say. Usually, there’s a basic need they’re trying to express. They want to belong, they want autonomy and control over the situation, they want recognition for their achievements, they want to know they’ll be secure. It really isn’t rocket science if you pay attention.
If someone says, “I’m worried that people are talking behind my back,” they’re probably concerned about belonging. “I don’t know if I’ll get the raise” is about security or recognition. And so on.
Melvin wants clear boundaries with Bernice, so he can have a successful personal and professional relationship with her. He wants both love and achievement.
Ask Them How You Fit
Now that they’ve worked out most of their problem for themselves, ask "What do you want from me?” Ask sincerely and with genuine curiosity. Their understanding of their problem has changed. Whatever they originally would have wanted probably no longer applies. If they haven’t actually solved their problem themselves, their request to you will likely be for something more targeted and more useful than they would otherwise have asked.
At this point, it’s probably clear to Melvin that everything he needs, he has. He can approach Bernice honestly and simply say, “I’d like to talk about how we can best be a loving couple and partners in achievement.” Fortunately for us, we don’t need to be in the middle of it.
The Coaching Habit has other good questions, and elaborates extensively on these. If you’re someone who others come to for answers, you can use simple but well-directed questions to help them find their own answers, so you can get back to clawing your own way to the top. If you want to check out my full interview with Michael, visit http://getitdoneguy.com/coaching.
I’m Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. Want great keynote speeches on productivity, Living an Extraordinary Life, or entrepreneurship? Hire me! Find me at http://SteverRobbins.com.
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