When I struggled with infertility for five years, not only was I simply heartbroken that I had not yet been blessed with the gift of motherhood, I also faced another demon—envy! Though deep in my heart I believed I would someday become a mother (be careful what you ask for!) it was extremely painful and difficult for me to sit back and watch my dearest friends and family members continually announce that they were expecting babies.
Baby blue and pastel pink soon became colors I loathed and the mere thought of someone close to me delighting in pickles and ice cream was enough to send me straight to a carton of Kleenex.
Jump ahead 25 years and anyone that knows my story realizes I had the last laugh. Not only did I adopt the most beautiful baby girl in the world, I soon went on to deliver seven babies which completed our family with eight healthy and amazing children born to us in less than a decade.
Yes, be careful what you ask for! And with that, we were off and running raising our small brood of five sons and three daughters. We covered it all in a very short timespan—colic, baby reflux (eek!), first steps, potty training (double eek!), speech delays, nursery school, pee wee soccer, food allergies—the list goes on and on. And suddenly they were all in school and we found ourselves navigating an entirely new world of child rearing and parenting among our neighbors, school friends, and community at large.
Once your child begins mingling with other kids his/her age, your role as a parent is catapulted into an entire new light—a public light—where going forward, you will now parent amongst dozens of others who will either be likeminded or do things very differently. In addition you may find yourself doing a bit of comparing here and there. Whether it be at sporting events, PTA functions, academic banquets or even the school play there are going to be plenty of opportunities to realize that some of your kid’s peers and their families seem to be doing a lot better than you and yours. (Or so you think.)
Before you spend time getting all worked up over how other households have an edge over your family, let's consider five ways to stay focused on your own children instead of indulging in a bad case of parent envy.
5 Ways to Deal with Parent Envy
- Focus on Your Own Family
- Don’t Believe Everything You See on Social Media
- Celebrate Other’s Successes
- Use Envy as a Tool for Self-Improvement
- Count Your Blessings
Let’s explore each in more detail.
1. Acknowledge Envy and Focus on Your Own Family
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle defined envy as the pain caused by the good fortune of others. When it comes to raising children, it’s easy to see how a parent can become swept away with feelings of envy if they see their child’s classmate hitting homeruns while their own son usually sits on the bench. Or perhaps your daughter struggles with a learning disability and works tirelessly just to get a C, whereas your neighbor’s twins get straight As all while playing varsity soccer and are super popular to boot.
It’s OK and very healthy to acknowledge your feelings of envy. As the mom of eight kids, I’m the first to admit that I’ve had my fair share of parent envy. But when I pretended I didn’t really have those feelings, I only made it worse. As I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I struggled with infertility for many years and experienced feelings of envy when I couldn’t get pregnant while most of my friends and family seemed to have no problem at all. It hurt and it felt unfair. I remember making promises to the Universe and anyone else who would listen that if I could just have a child of my own, I would be content for the rest of my life.
My second and third children had significant speech delays. Suddenly I forgot all about those promises I made when I was desperate to get pregnant and now, instead, I was obsessed with envy as I watched other kids their ages learn to talk effortlessly. My husband saw the unhealthy path I was headed on and helped me realize that comparing our kids to others who didn’t have their developmental delays would only hinder our plans to get them talking.
In a Psychology Today article on the psychology and philosophy of envy, Dr. Neel Burton writes that “while we envy, we focus on what we lack rather than what we have and could otherwise be enjoying.” This was definitely the case for me. Once I accepted that we were headed down a different path with their speech, I was able to focus on their needs and, very soon, their tremendous progress. By shifting attention to what was possible in my own family (rather than what my kids weren’t doing at the moment) I was able to keep myself on track and in a less envious and much happier state of mind.
2. Don’t Believe Everything You See on Social Media
Thanks to all the social media venues available to us today—Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, and of course, Facebook—we are privy to watching every move our friends and family are experiencing in their lives almost instantaneously. This allows us to watch other families thrive in dozens of ways.
We follow babies being born, witness pro-athletes in the making, learn which Ivy league colleges our second cousin's kids will attend, hear about corporate job promotions, view grand new estates that have been purchased, and experience all those European and Caribbean vacations that everyone else’s family seems to take except yours. Simply put, social media often provides a microscopic view of hundreds upon hundreds of fairytale lives that surround our own measly existence.
If you want to curb your envy appetite, one of the first places to start is by limiting your time spent on social media. Listen, I’m the first to admit that I consider Facebook my online playground, but only to the extent that I don’t get too carried away by everything the Joneses are doing.
Writing for The National, Melinda Healy poses the question of how can one control that little green monster called envy? “Experts say it’s best to monitor your feelings, put the social-media devices down and check yourself and the reality of life often. After all, it’s worth remembering that we don’t see the entirety of someone’s life on social media.”
So, as glamorous and fabulous as many of the lives you come in contact with on your favorite social media sites may seem, keep it all in context. We only see a snippet of what really goes on in front of the camera.
3. Celebrate Others' Successes
One of the common traits of parenting is that we want to see our children be successful. Whether it’s in sports, academics, or in the relationships they form, there is no better feeling than to watch your child flourish and succeed, especially when they overcome a difficult challenge.
Not every child experiences success as easily as his peers or even his own siblings. I watched three of my own children struggle to learn how to speak while their other five siblings were speaking before they turned one. I’ve sat in the bleachers and cheered on kids who have hit numerous homeruns while another was lucky if he could hit a foul ball. And of course, while raising my kids I’ve encountered countless scenarios where plenty of my children’s friends have taken our household by storm by simply succeeding: earning major scholarships, pulling perfect GPAs, being accepted into the finest colleges, receiving brand new cars in high school, and never having to worry about some of the financial hardships our family has faced through the years.
I learned a wonderful lesson from a professor I had in college about crabs in a bucket. This term is used to describe a person who does everything in his power to destroy the ambitions of those among them who wish to improve themselves. The professor explained that when you catch a crab and place him in a bucket, the first thing he'll try to do is escape. If you put two crabs in a bucket, as soon as one tries to climb up out of the bucket the other will grab the escaping crab by the legs and try to escape itself, to which the process gets repeated to the point where no crabs end up escaping. I always remember this analogy when I’m feeling envious about someone else’s good fortune or success. I certainly don’t want to be compared to a crab that tries to keep the rest stuck in the bucket with him.
Take time out of your hectic life to be thankful and grateful for all that you have on a regular basis.
Instead, be happy and celebrate the triumphs another person has achieved. Most people have worked hard to accomplish their big moments. Celebrate their success and know that soon you, too, can experience the same thing for yourself and your family.
4. Use Envy as a Tool for Self-Improvement
Although I don’t necessarily like to feel envious of another person or family (those Joneses—they seem to be everywhere!) I can honestly say that there are times when it proves to be a useful motivator. For example, my daughter has a colleague at work that is praised constantly. They both have totally different job descriptions, but no matter what my daughter accomplishes, her colleague can command the attention of those in charge without hardly any effort at all. And to top it all off, no matter what the topic of conversation or project at hand, this gal is confident in letting everyone know that she can handle anything that comes her way.
My daughter is a recent college grad, so she’s learning her away around the workforce. She’s been envious of how her coworker interacts with the other employees and has been peeved that her own contributions to the company are being overlooked, but instead of complaining about it or continuing to feel pangs of envy, she decided to work on her own interpersonal skills so that she could stand out a bit more herself.
Sarah Hill, a professor in the department of psychology at Texas Christian University, says that envy is kind of like experiencing physical pain. “When we touch something hot or we stub our toe, that sort of thing isn’t pleasant, but ultimately it provides a useful, adaptive function.” In the case of physical pain, it prevents our body from injury; in the case of something like envy, that function can help you look for ways to improve yourself or your situation,” Hill suggests.
The next time you find yourself going down the path of envy, change directions and see if you can improve something in your own life that will empower you instead.
5. Count Your Blessings
It’s easy to get sidetracked from your own situation when you get a small taste of something that appears to be quite delicious in someone else’s life. "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" has long been quoted when people are not satisfied with their own set of circumstances and yearn for what they think is so wonderful elsewhere.
One of the quickest ways to combat any type of envy is to stop and count all your blessings. You may not have an Einstein on your hands but is your child healthy and happy? Not living in your dream home just yet? Be thankful for the roof you do have over your family’s head until a new living arrangement presents itself. Not raising a quarterback? How great is it that your son loves being a Boy Scout and enjoys giving back to his community?
Take time out of your hectic life to be thankful and grateful for all that you have on a regular basis and you’ll feel less envious and more blessed when envy comes knocking at your door.
How do you keep envy at bay? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Image of an envious father © Shutterstock
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