The Secret to Bridging Communication Gaps

Recently, a Savvy Psychologist listener named Michael H. from Ohio contacted me with a question about communication styles. He writes:

“I recently fell out of a relationship and during the breakup when my partner told me that my assertive communication style often made her feel guilty, I felt terrible that my words made her feel bad about herself ... I thought being direct and honest with my feelings was for the betterment of the relationship, but only now do I see that I failed to properly bridge the gap between our communication styles. While it breaks my heart knowing I cannot go back to fix things between us, how I can better prepare myself for partners down the road?”

First of all, I want to say to Michael: I’m sorry to hear about your breakup, but I can tell that your soul-searching and openness to growth will be wonderful assets in future relationships. Thank you for your very thoughtful question!

Second, I must say that this question really stumped me at first. If you’ve listened to the Savvy Psychologist podcast before, you know that I’m all about assertive communication, which means to express your feelings and needs honestly and directly. It’s one of the most important skills we therapists teach for improving relationships. There’s a generally acknowledged belief that, if we could all learn to be assertive, instead of passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive, there would be a lot less misunderstanding, resentment, and unnecessary conflict.

But Michael has a really good point. What if being assertive misses the mark? What if communication styles don’t match between two people? What if not everyone responds positively to what we think is assertiveness?

After some research and much reflection, I think I’ve got a few good answers for Michael and anyone else feeling stuck in unproductive communication patterns with an important person in their lives. And these include one answer that seems obvious now, but I really hadn’t expected to find. Let’s dive in:

Tip #1: Different relationships call for different communication strategies

One therapist mantra that supersedes even the “assertiveness is good” rule is this: Flexibility is key.

Just like a fluffy bejeweled unicorn costume might dazzle at an EDM concert ,but not so much at a job interview, communication strategies need to be tailored to the occasion.

In most situations, assertive communication is a good bet. Whether you’re trying to solve a conflict at work, figure out the chore wheel, or let your partner know that they have hurt your feelings… being clear and honest...

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