The Secret Art of Intimate Communication

I’m sitting in my office, listening to a patient of mine tell me about something that happened over the weekend.

His wife was in a bad mood, and he couldn’t figure out what to do about it. Whenever he’d say something to try to be helpful, she’d say it was the wrong thing to say. But whenever he gave her space, she’d say she felt abandoned.

I’m listening as best I can, not sure exactly how to help.

Halfway through the hour, he interrupts the story, gives me a pained look, and says, “I’m worried you’re not really interested in all this.”

At that moment, something changes. We’re both more involved, and neither of us is sure exactly sure what’s going to happen next.

There’s an electricity in the air, that wasn’t there before. Before he turned to me and told me that he was worried I wasn’t really interested, we were having what I’d call a non-intimate communication. Once he turned to confront me directly, our dialog suddenly became intimate in a new way.

How do I know what's intimate communication, and what's not?

An intimate communication always has three elements: you, me, and a feeling. When my patient turns to me and tells me he's worried that I'm not really interested, suddenly all three elements—you, me, and a feeling—are in the room at the same time.

Intimate communication always has three elements: you, me, and a feeling.

When that happens, things change. The emotion in the room goes way up because he has no idea how I’m going to react.

That’s what happens when you start talking about “you, me, and a feeling.” You have no control over how the other person is going to react. We humans don’t usually like giving up control—it's vulnerable. It’s like walking out on thin ice. Maybe it will hold you, or maybe you’ll fall through.

How can I get better at intimate communication?

If someone's just stepped out onto thin emotional ice and taken the risk of making an intimate statement, it's important to validate them for it. There are a couple of ways to react in the moment.

Treat the statement with respect 

When someone makes an intimate statement, they’re asserting their right to be taken seriously. Don’t just react willy-nilly and say the first thing that pops into your head. Instead, give what the person said some serious consideration. Ask for time to give the statement some thought if necessary.

People aren’t stupid. If my patient is worried that I’ve lost interest, he must have picked up on something. Maybe he's experiencing the moment in a distorted way, but...

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