A few weeks ago on the podcast, we tackled the question of when to push versus when to rest. And this prompted a related question from listener Marissa in Richmond, Virginia. She asked where the line falls between holding yourself to high standards versus practicing self-compassion.
This is a rich, juicy question. The way I read it, Marissa is asking two things: first, when do I push myself to do better, to go farther? And when do I back off and say, "I am enough"?
Secondly, she’s asking, "When do I treat myself with compassion?" Let’s tackle that one first.
When Is the Right Time to Practice Self-Compassion?
The short answer is: always. But maybe not in the way you think.
Let me explain: it’s super common to conflate self-compassion with letting yourself off the hook. But researcher and psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, who pioneered the notion of self-compassion, makes a distinction between self-compassion and self-indulgence. In her writing, she cautions against interpreting self-compassion as “I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of ice cream.” Along the same lines, it’s important not to interpret self-compassion as, “I’m uncertain and worried about reaching my high standards, so I’m going to be kind to myself by giving myself a pass.” Not so fast.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you can give up on quitting smoking, working on your term paper, or getting to work on time. Nor does it make those things fun or relaxing. But self-compassion allows you some kindness and support as you tackle the challenge.
In other words, self-compassion doesn’t necessarily mean choosing the easiest or most pleasurable path, it simply means choosing the kindest.
Specifically, think about how you would talk with someone you care about—a good friend or a child—as they face a challenge, a worry, or a difficult time. Would you be harsh and punitive? Would you tell them to suck it up? Or insist there’s no reason to get their underwear in a knot? No, of course not. You’d be kind and supportive.
But at the same time, you wouldn’t give up on them—you’d believe in them and encourage them. You’d say, “I know you can do it—you’re strong and capable.” “This is tough but hang in there.” “This will get easier as you go, I promise.” “You’re doing great—keep it up.”
Self-compassion is the same, but for you, by you. After all, your biggest fans aren’t available 24/7. But you are.
So think of self-compassion as a kind, supportive launchpad from which you can take risks, make mistakes, accomplish hard things, and live up to your high standards.
When Do I Reach for High Standards? And When Do I Say, "I Am Enough"?
Speaking of high standards, let’s address the other question: "When do I push myself to do better? And when do I say, 'I am enough?'"
The answer, counterintuitively, is to do both simultaneously. Self-acceptance and self-improvement can play nicely together. Or, as the great psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox of life is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Accepting yourself as "enough" means accepting your strengths and weaknesses—your talents and flaws—as they are. For example, you might accept that you have a tendency to get defensive when criticized.
But at the same time, you might also commit to working on that and accepting feedback in a more constructive way.
Here’s where we circle back to self-compassion. Interestingly, it’s easier to admit we have weaknesses and are working on them when we provide ourselves a kind, compassionate environment. If we expect our own brain to call us out or harshly criticize us for falling short, we push our weaknesses underground. We hide them and put forth a front, which makes it impossible to move forward.
Furthermore, self-compassion may actually help you adhere to your high standards. In a study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, researchers asked undergraduate women to eat a donut and then participate in what was described as a taste test of different candies.
Some of the women, after eating the donut, were surreptitiously given an informal self-compassion intervention. The researcher said to them, “Several people have told me that they feel bad about eating donuts in this study, so I hope you won’t be hard on yourself. Everyone eats unhealthily sometimes, and everyone in this study eats this stuff, so I don’t think there’s any reason to feel really bad about it.”
Here’s where it gets interesting: the women who got a shot of self-compassion, even just in casual conversation, ate significantly less candy than those who didn’t get the self-compassion statement. You’d think it would be the opposite—that those who were given some compassion would feel let off the hook and then indulge, but no. Instead, a little self-compassion helps us get back on the wagon and stick to our standards.
All in all, self-compassion makes it easier to admit our habits could use a tune-up, our disposition has a few warts, or that we plain old screwed up. But then, from the supportive environment we create for ourselves using self-compassion, we can shoot for the stars without shooting off our mouth at our foibles and mistakes.
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