For the five-plus years I tried to become pregnant, not only was I disappointed for my husband and I, I was also hurting for our parents—because I knew they were incredibly anxious to become grandparents. They supported us every step of the way through our challenging infertility journey, and the moment we became parents I honestly think they were more excited than we were.
Grandparents are a warm, loving extension of parenthood. When I became a mom for the first time nearly 25 years ago, my own mother was beyond elated, and she stated then (and now) that being a grandparent is one of life’s most amazing joys, even better than being a parent.
I couldn’t agree more! Having loving grandparents to share in all the special (and difficult) moments of parenting is a true gift. They love unconditionally, are ready, willing, and able to lend a helping hand, babysit whenever we need them and of course, spoil them rotten. It all sounds so fairytale perfect. That is, until parents and grandparents disagree on how to raise our special darlings.
Grandparents have had a pivotal role in the lives of their grandkids for centuries, but despite this special relationship there have been many an instance that these dynamics can become complicated and confrontational when parent and grandparent go head to head in the delicate balancing act of raising a child.
Mighty Mommy has navigated this terrain for over two decades and has five tips to help families stay on a happy and loving path when grandparents and parents just don’t see eye to eye about the kids.
5 Strategies in Dealing with Difficult Grandparents
- Be Clear on Deal-Breakers
- Be Upfront When Boundaries Are Crossed
- Consider Their Perspective
- Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle
- Find a Happy Medium
Let’s explore these in more detail.
1. Be Clear on Deal Breakers
Just as we do with our kids and other relationships such as that of a boss and employee, it’s important to establish clear expectations, as early on as possible, about what you as the parent deem acceptable in terms of rules and behaviors. For example, my husband and I were adamant that my mother-in-law not give them soda for every drink (we’re talking gallons!) when our kids visited, and we insisted on their using the magic words when they had a request. “Grandma, can we please go outside and play?” as opposed to “Take me to the playground, I’m bored here.”
Decide on your deal-breakers and talk it out with your grandparents. If they’re not aware of these, they really can’t be blamed when they make a mistake. Perhaps they feel unsure of what you want or don’t want from them. Let them know how they can be helpful to you. Help them feel included and needed because most grandparents truly just want to share their love and time with their grandkids.
2. Be Upfront When Boundaries Are Crossed
Sooner or later, it’s going to happen—a well-intentioned (or sometimes “pushy”) grandparent is going to cross the line and say or do something in regards to your parenting that will make you cringe. Try not to get defensive, but instead calmly and matter-of-factly share your thoughts. For instance, my mother-in-law was a firm believer that the kids should run the show when they were visiting at her house. After letting them physically run throughout her home, tear into any set of toys they felt like playing with (and not clean them up!), they could then turn her into a short-order cook and have any culinary delight whipped up for them on demand. And then—there was the soda. She had it poured the minute our car pulled in the driveway. The word “no” was simply not in her vocabulary. Talk about sending mixed messages to our young tribe of eight kids—they loved going to “Club Grandma” as often as possible. When we returned home, we had to work twice as hard to get them back on track with the structure we provided them on a daily basis. We finally had to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Grandma about the situation.
We explained our great appreciation for how much she loved and spoiled the kids, but with a large family like ours, we had to be consistent with rules and expectations wherever we went. I’m a diabetic so I was able to use that as a pre-cursor as to why they just couldn’t have all that soda—one of them could be next. She had lots of wisdom to share, which we were happy to hear, but when it came to how the kids ate and behaved, she had to stay the course with how we were doing it. This didn’t happen overnight, but we were consistent in giving her friendly reminders about what we would accept and eventually she got the message. We started letting her take them to some of their practices after school or help with carpools (we were always outnumbered so what a gift to have this kind of help) and that gave her an important role which she truly cherished. It was more important for her to feel valued than to go against our wishes and let them get away with things just to be liked.
3. Consider Their Perspective
When grandparents get involved with our kids, whether they are babysitting, coming for a holiday, or celebrating another family occasion, it's best to keep in mind that they truly do love their grandkids. When they do things we might not approve of, they’re probably not trying to be hurtful or cause a problem. When a conflict does arrive, try to put yourself in their shoes and attempt to understand the issue from their perspective.
If the baby was crying when you put her down for her nap, nana may have thought she was being helpful by picking her up thinking she needed a burp or a diaper change. When you tell her that you’re letting the baby cry it out so she can learn to fall asleep on her own and hear the sarcastic barb that she never did that with her babies and they all turned out fine, you’ll have to lovingly but firmly tell her that you're taking recommendations from your pediatrician, but you appreciate that she cares.
You as the parent need to be consistent and not send mixed signals once you’ve painted the picture of what you want your parents' role to be with your kids.
In our case, when Grandma loved feeding our kids sugary drinks and made them any meal they wanted no matter what time of day it was, as aggravated as we were we knew she was just excited to spend time with our kids and wanted to appease them in every way possible. We understood that and wanted her to be able to spoil them but there had to be some balance. She asked if she could take them out for ice cream after one of their practices rather than keep candy and such in the house, and we were fine with that.
For more difficult matters, however, such as if a grandparent steps in and tries to discipline your kids or tries to overrule one of the boundaries you have in place, try and figure out why they are acting as they do rather than being confrontational right off the bat. My mother didn’t like to hear one of my kids groan or sigh when they were asked to do a chore so she would make a sharp reply to my son such as “Get in there and unload that dishwasher right now.” It wasn’t her place to get involved, but I knew she was trying to help because she didn’t want the burden of all the household chores falling on me. I took her aside and thanked her for trying to help but asked her to let me handle it directly with my son.
4. Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle
Most kids are simply crazy for their grandparents. They serve as other adults in their lives who offer unconditional love, enjoy reading and playing games with them, and simply have time to just hang out with them without being rushed.
When contentious situations arise, don’t use your kids as a bartering tool. If the matter doesn’t compromise anyone’s safety, try to find ways that your kids and their grandparents can still spend time together. We went through a rough patch with my husband’s parents many years ago and truthfully, we realized we needed a little space. During this time we made sure we still had our kids connect with them via phone a couple times a week as well as encouraged outings like having grandma take the kids to the library for story hour and then to the playground. Activities like this allowed them to have time to bond and be together while we worked through our issues. It was a win/win for all of us.
5. Find a Happy Medium
Once you’ve set expectations with Grandma and Grandpa you’ve got to keep a few things in mind. First, you as the parent need to be consistent and not send mixed signals once you’ve painted the picture of what you want your parents' role to be with your kids. If you are steadfast that your kids must still follow the same bedtime routine you have implemented on a school night, don’t tell Grammie that she can decide if Tommy can stay up past his normal time if she feels like it. Parents and grandparents need to be on the same page.
If you continue to have unresolved issues such as a grandparent making offhand remarks about your parenting style from time to time or not always following some of the behavioral guidelines you’ve discussed with them, try and find a happy medium where your family unit can still enjoy eachother’s company. Kids and grandparents need each other. A recent study by Boston College showed that close grandparent-grandchild relationships are extremely healthy and help provide close family ties. Work together to make it the best it can be for all involved.
How do you manage tense times with grandparents? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Image of grandparents with grandchild © Shutterstock
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