When I was struggling with infertility and dreaming of becoming a mom, I promised myself I’d welcome everything and anything that parenting entailed—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Twenty-some years and eight kids later, I got what I asked for (and then some!) and have truly never looked back.
One aspect of parenting I hadn’t thought much about were the friendships my kids would make throughout their childhood. I was more focused on embracing their newborn days, celebrating milestones like talking and walking, their first day of school, what type of students they would be (brilliant, of course!), and how I would treasure cheering them on at spelling bees, school concerts, and sporting events. I completely overlooked the monumental impact that their neighborhood, community, and school friends would have on their (and my) everyday lives.
But that all changed the moment we started mingling with their young friends in places like the park or playground. And once they began attending nursery school and kindergarten, I learned quickly that playdates would become extremely important and almost as much of a staple in their lives as their favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Friendships, I learned quickly, would be the center of much of their universe, and therefore would also become an important piece of my parenting world. Childhood friendships ebb and flow into our kid’s lives as they grow and mature. My children have been fortunate to make some wonderful, long-lasting relationships through the years, as well as acquaintances that were either temporary or that they outgrew for various reasons. My kid’s friendships are an extension of their lives, and it’s comforting to know they have special connections with people who make them laugh, spur them on when life hands them lemons, enjoy their company, and can share their deepest secrets with.
It really is a great feeling to know your kids have good friends surrounding them until you meet one that you don’t like at all. So now what?
We can’t necessarily choose our kid’s friends, especially as they get older and become more independent in their tween and teen years, but we can choose how we’re going to handle how we react to these friendships. Here are five friendly ways to cope when you simply don’t like who your child is hanging out with.
- Ask Yourself: "Why the Dislike?"
- Keep Your Opinion to Yourself
- Get to Know the Kid
- Think Down the Line
- Intervene when Necessary
Let's explore these tactics a little deeper.
1. Ask Yourself: "Why the Dislike?"
Your daughter recently introduced a new friend to the mix and although you politely interacted with her as they did homework at the kitchen island, you secretly hoped this would be the first and last time she ever hung out with your kid again. Sometimes it’s a gut reaction, a little inner-gnaw that tells you there’s something about this budding friendship that just doesn’t feel right. It’s important to listen to your intuition, but it’s also best not to be too judgmental without exploring things a little further.
Be honest with yourself—is it her mother, who happens to be a bit of a bossy pants in the PTA meetings and someone you really don’t like, therefore you figure this girl will be pushy with your daughter? Is it her mop of red tresses that turns you off (a reminder of your husband’s college sweetheart)? Did she not say thank you when you served her those homemade cookies warm from the oven? Allow the kid a chance if it’s a reason that might be petty on your part.
If you feel it’s more than that, however, you’ll need to monitor the blossoming friendship a bit more closely so that you can coach your child appropriately if the relationship needs to be distanced a bit or even nipped in the bud.
2. Keep Your Opinions to Yourself
If after you’ve done a little soul-searching you still don’t like the friend, play it cool with your child and don’t prattle on about how much you can’t stand him. Obviously, this is all factored into age-appropriate relationships. If your three-year-old is new to a neighborhood playgroup, and there’s one kid in the bunch that you have a dislike for, there’s no need to go to extremes. Let your child hang out with others in that group individually, or limit his interactions to only that playgroup setting without encouraging further bonding time with that particular child outside of that timeframe.
But when we’re talking about your 10-year-old son’s new buddy on the baseball team that makes your skin crawl, keep your opinions to yourself. The last thing you want to do is verbally berate another person that your child values as a friend. If the situation warrants a discussion, however, you can plant seeds for your son to think about. For example, if his new teammate purposely hits your kid with the ball when he’s pitching to him in your backyard, then calls him a wuss because your son flinches at the 40 MPH whack, you might say to your son, “It seems as though your new friend David likes to pitch. He must be working on his aim because you seemed to take a lot of balls to your wrist and knees for nearly every ball he threw. Some of those had to hurt. Maybe a batting cage would be safer the next time you two get together.”
Your son is smart enough to know David was not playing fair, but instead of you berating the kid’s behavior, you got your point across. Now your kid can think about how he can handle it on his own.
3. Get to Know the Kid
As much as you might loathe this suggestion, sometimes you really do need to give a child you don’t like the benefit of the doubt. Get to know her a little better before you make your final decision that pigs will fly before you ever like her. This is usually my first tactic when I’m not crazy about one of my kid’s friends, and with eight kids, I’ll fess up now—there have been a handful of their friends that have totally turned me off. But I’ll also tell you that when I’ve been open-minded and tried to get to know some of these “pills” I’ve honestly found that I could like them.
Just last year, I volunteered to drive the baseball carpool for my son’s Jr. High team several nights a week. Truthfully I enjoy doing this for the very reason that I do get to know my kid’s friends because we’re in the car together a couple of hours each week. Even though they primarily interact with one another, it’s a prime opportunity to quietly observe them. There was one young man who never said "hi," "thank you," or "goodbye" as he entered and left my car. He was always the first one in and the last one dropped off, so I thought maybe he was just uncomfortable being the only one in the car with an adult he didn’t know very well. After a couple of weeks, I was tired of what I considered rude behavior so I decided to try and interact with him.
Since he was the first kid in the car, I asked him if he could help me move some groceries to the very back to make room for the other kids. He did it without hesitation so I praised him and then went back to my “pretend” listening to the radio. For the next few rides I specifically asked him for help with various things, including if he’d run into the store and get some milk (my own son was in the car mind you) and little by little he came out of his shell and started talking to me about school, his dog, and other random topics. More times than not, when I take the time to communicate and interact with the friends I’m not in favor of, I find I can like enough about them to feel good about the friendship.
4. Think Down the Line
One of the constants we can count on in life is change. This is certainly the case with friendships, especially among growing children. Today your daughter might be crazy about Taylor Swift and all things pink, next week she’ll be abhorred by anything pastel and is on to Ed Sheeran. Friendships will also come and go during these complex adolescent years. Don’t panic if your 6th grader has a friend that cracks her knuckles all day long and spews sarcasm every time the wind blows. Sometimes you just have to weather the “bad friendship” storm and realize that this too shall pass, and the chances that the friendship will last well into their college years are probably slim to none.
5. Intervene When Necessary
If you decide the dislike you feel towards your child’s friend is more than just a personality clash or an aversion to the way he belches every time he opens his mouth, it may be time for some parental intervention, particularly if your child is starting to get into trouble when they are hanging out together or his grades are sliding. The most effective tool I’ve come across when addressing a peer with questionabl influence is to have a heart-to-heart conversation with my child. The timing of this talk is just as important as what will be discussed. Tackling something like this is best done when both of you (or all three of you if your partner is part of the discussion) are not ornery and tired or emotional. If you’ve just learned of an incident that involved your child and this friend, let some time pass for cooler heads to prevail. A calm demeanor when talking about something that could become confrontational is key.
In addition to the timing of your exchange, how you present your concerns is equally important. James Lehman, MSW writes that you should be clear that you don’t like the behavior of your child’s friend and give specific examples. In his article on children and their "toxic" friends he uses the example of a teenager hanging out with kids who smoke pot. Instead of badmouthing the friends and labeling them potheads, he suggests saying, “I don’t like that your buddies all use drugs because I don’t want you using drugs. I don’t think it’s good for you.” Keep it simple and direct.
I completely agree with Mr. Lehman’s advice. My son hooked up with a group of kids who were often caught drinking alcohol. At the time he was just 16 years old. Several of these kids were actually quite likeable, but they used that to their advantage to schmooze with parents. We told our son that underage drinking was just not acceptable, and we wouldn’t condone his hanging out with any friends, regardless of who they were. We made this situation a zero-tolerance policy and squelched the relationship with this group immediately.
How do you respond when you don’t like one of your kid’s friends? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Image of bullies © Shutterstock
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