Let me first say that any loss is a loss. A pet, a friend, or a family member, regardless of a person’s connection to the deceased, if you have a friend who’s grieving, it’s only proper to be there for them … even if you can’t quite wrap your brain around why they are in mourning.
I mean what happens if their loss doesn’t fall in the “standard norm” of mourning? Like a goldfish? A distant celebrity they idolized? You know, people or animals to whom you aren't really used to paying your respects. Here are three ways to grieve, and how to be supportive of that grief, for a couple unusual forms of loss:
Tip #1: The Loss of a Minor Pet
I’m sure my colleague, The Dog Trainer, would tell me there is no such thing as a “minor pet” but I hope you'll both see where I’m going with this tip. When I was in college, I shared a cramped apartment with three other guys. As if we didn’t have an easy enough time making the apartment a complete dump ourselves, we decided to turn up the funk-factor by getting a Guinea Pig. I can’t honestly remember who was the major advocate for our new pet but it was a bad idea from the start. So, being the responsible young men we were, we “donated” him to our friend Scott, who thought he would be a better Guinea Pig Parent to Testudo. About two months after that, we found out that Testudo had gone to the great Guinea Pig farm in the sky, where he could run around care-free in the afterlife. When the news was delivered to us, we weren’t exactly heartbroken. Sure you never want to lose a pet, but needless to say, it did not hinder our plans for the remainder of the day. But man oh man, did it upset Scott. I kid you not, for five days Scott was inconsolable over the loss of Testudo. In fact, he even called out sick to his internship because he was so distraught.
Mannerly Nation, please don’t think I’m being insensitive because trust me, I’m a huge pet lover. In fact, my dog Camden is like my third child. However, losing a Guinea Pig you’ve had for only two months isn’t grounds for telling your boss you’re in mourning. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh here, and this article is about how to sympathetic to those that have suffered any sort of loss. With that, had this been a situation that I/you faced today, it’s proper (regardless of the pet) to be completely sympathetic and give your friend time—even if you don’t get it, which I didn’t with Scott. Sure, you may not be empathetic towards them but you can’t dismiss someone’s loss as trivial simply because you are not as invested. Whether it’s Testudo the Guinea Pig or Goldie the goldfish, you should never laugh or mock someone because it’s not a “major pet." But with that, I do think it’s your job as a friend to get them out of that funk as fast as possible. Don’t say, “It’s just a Guinea Pig, get over it!” because pets are never “just a pet.” However, if the loss of a minor or major pet is affecting their work, or their personal life, do your best to take their mind away from it with everything non-pet related. Take them out to lunch or invite them over. The more they can escape from their pain, the faster they’ll get over it. Just try not to laugh at them grieving over their deceased gecko.
Tip #2: The Loss of a Celebrity
One of my all time favorite actors is Robin Williams, who we sadly lost only two years ago. I’ve seen all of his movies and whenever I come across one while channel surfing, I can’t help but stop. As well, his death was not only tragic but took a tremendous toll on his family. I remember reading about this daughter and how she got a tattoo of a bird on her hand to always remind her of Robin. So, when I found out he died, I thought I’d pay homage him the best way I could: by having a good binge session of some of my favorite movies with him. The next day, I woke up and got on with my day. Sure, I saw news coverage about him—you couldn’t escape it—and yes, it made me sad, however, I didn’t let my sorrow get in the way of my week ahead. This doesn’t make me inconsiderate, it simply makes me someone who had no connection to a celebrity, other than seeing their movies. We weren’t friends (but man that would be awesome!) and I did not attend his funeral, yet some people have a hard time separating the fantasy of a celebrity with the reality of their association with that person.
Case in point was one Modern Manners Guy reader who complained about his sister who cried every day for three weeks when “the love of her life” Paul Walker died. Now, Walker was an amazing actor. I loved him in Varsity Blues, and the Fast series. From what I’ve learned, he was a stand up father and good guy all-around. Still, my reader’s sister did not personally know Walker, or talk to Walker (let alone never saw Varsity Blues for that matter). With that, my reader had a very hard time not getting annoyed when his sister missed his birthday party because she was so distraught. Here, he had every right to be mad at her. I mean, missing a family event because your favorite celebrity passed away weeks ago? That’s a bit much. Still, as a sibling or friend you have to be respectful of someone’s loss, even when you think it’s a bit dramatic. While I don’t encourage being a shut-in for several weeks over a celebrity death, I do understand that deep devotion. I told him to do what I did; take a day with her and watch a few of her favorite movies together. However, she has to promise to leave the house for lunch/dinner. Here, you are being relatable but also doing your best to get them out of a rut. It’s proper to be there for them, but you can’t let an obsession in the world of fantasy distort a person’s reality. Yes, she can be a fan, just don’t allow someone’s celebrity obsession ruin their life.
Tip #3: Loss Of A Sport’s Team
In the early morning of March 29, 1984, just shy of my fifth birthday a very tragic event took place in my hometown; the Baltimore Colts were secretly moved to Indianapolis. Later that day, my city woke up to the news that we know longer had an NFL team. Johnny U, the "Greatest Game Ever Played," all wiped away by the help of several Mayflower trucks, and one lousy team owner. Sure, it’s been over 30 years, and I love our new team, the Ravens, more than anything, but the loss of that day still hurts. Yet football is a business and the owners can do what they please, without caring about the fans. So, I got over it. However, many people in Baltimore still have not. Same thing goes with how certain players leave one city for greener (i.e., money) pastures in another city. For example, when LeBron left Cleveland for Miami, fans were enraged! They burned jerseys, tore down posters, and deemed him the worst human being that ever lived … until he came back and won their first title, and all was forgiven. Man, I love how fans think!
So, whether it’s the loss of a team, a player leaving for a new job, or just a sports team losing in general (Cleveland Browns anyone?), I am always surprised about how people publicly rudely vent their anger over a team. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan; I’m just not insane. Sure, is stinks that LeBron or Kevin Durant leaves a city but it’s their life and their job. You’ll work an average of 35-40 years and have many jobs, whereas athletes have an average of 10 years to do everything they worked for. How can you fault them? Similar to the loss of a celebrity, the loss that is sports team is not the end of the world and with that, you can’t hate someone for causing you pain. To properly honor a team, you have to celebrate the time you had. Don’t throw out the items you paid for. Don’t burn down banners. Ever watch Pawn Stars? That stuff could be worth something. You can’t go ballistic or threaten someone either. Be realistic, folks! Finding a sports team is like finding a partner; if one doesn’t work out, there are always more fish in the sea. Keep calm, and carry on … you know, like a sane person.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my new book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It's available now!
Photo courtesy of Shutterstock
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar