3 Ways to Overcome Insecure Attachment in Relationships

This episode is part three of a three-part series on attachment styles. The first describes the four attachment styles. The second describes four critical ways your attachment style affects your relationships.

Before we talk about how to overcome insecure attachment, let's have a little refresher on attachment styles. They're patterns of how we think, feel, and act in close relationships. They form early in life based on the way we bond (or don't) with our primary caregivers. The four attachment styles are:

1. Secure: trusting, independent but close, and open to expressing affection in confident ways with their partners.
2. Dismissive-avoidant: aloof, do not feel comfortable with emotional intimacy, and tend to pull away from close others if they feel hurt or rejected.
3. Anxious-preoccupied: needing reassurance from their partners, seeking closeness and intimacy more intensely and often more quickly than their partner is ready
4. Fearful-avoidant: a combination of avoidant and anxious, often confused and giving mixed signals of pushing away and craving more connection.

If you see yourself as securely attached, wonderful! You've got a firm foundation for healthy relationships. But if the other three styles are more relatable, know that you're definitely not alone. And there are things you can do to rise above your insecurities.

Your insecure attachment style isn't your fault

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship where your partner was clingy one moment and distant the next and you struggled to understand the mixed signals? Or maybe you've been involved with someone who constantly checked in, needed frequent reassurance that you still liked them, and maybe even didn't trust you to have your own space?  

Or perhaps you were the insecure person in the relationship. Have you wondered why it is that you can’t feel confident in a close relationship, even though you try very hard not to smother your partner? Or why you can’t help but feel hot and cold alternatingly, afraid to commit but also craving connection?

It’s not your fault. It’s not that you choose to be dramatic, unable to commit, or clingy.

It’s not your fault. It’s not that you choose to be “dramatic,” “unable to commit,” or “clingy.” So much of the way we think, feel, and behave in relationships is affected by our attachment style—a...

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