4 Ways Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationships

This is part two of a three-part series of episodes on how attachment affects your intimate relationships. Last week, we looked at the four attachment styles. 

Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for three months, and things have been going well. You have a great connection; you share a sense of humor; you like each other’s friends; you haven’t seen any red flags. You haven’t been going on dates with anyone else for a couple of months now. One evening, this person’s hanging out at your place and brings up the idea of becoming exclusive and officially becoming a couple. What’s your reaction?

• Sure, let’s give it a shot! I really like you, so let’s see where this goes.
• Whoa, whoa—slow down! I don’t think commitment is my thing. Maybe we should take a step back.
• Wait, what? My toothbrush is already permanently installed in your bathroom, you've met my parents, and you know all my secrets. We’re way past “exclusive.”
• Yes. No. I don’t know. Are you mad? I really like you. I need space.

Your response probably largely depends on your attachment style—your patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving in the way you bond with others. They generally fall into four different styles.

• Secure
• Dismissive-avoidant
• Anxious-preoccupied
• Fearful-avoidant (a.k.a., disorganized)

Of course, every relationship is affected by different circumstances. Your response here about commitment will depend on a lot of factors. But think of all the romantic or other close relationships you’ve had or attempted. Do you see a pattern? What about other aspects of relationships like intimacy? Trust? Jealousy? These are affected by your attachment style, too.

Let’s examine a few different aspects of relationships that often determine how they start, develop, and, perhaps, end.

1. Commitment

Deciding to commit to a relationship can be a rational, economical process of weighing pros and cons. But it’s not hard to imagine that there are less rational processes at work, too. Including attachment. It’s no surprise that people with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles feel the least committed to their...

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