What's Your Love Language?

If you’ve ever looked online for help with a couple’s problem, chances are you’ve come across the idea of love languages, made popular by marriage expert Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. 

The basic idea is that people are different from each other when it comes to what makes them feel loved. So, the things that signify love to you may not mean much to your partner. 

As Chapman writes, “No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.”

The Five Love Languages

Chapman says the idea of love languages first dawned on him after many years of counseling couples as a church pastor. At some point, he decided to go back and review his notes from these counseling sessions to try to understand the different ways people express love.

In the end, he came up with five basic ways.

1. Words of Affirmation

Chapman called the first love language Words of Affirmation—expressing out loud how you feel about the other person, and telling them what you appreciate about them.

Chapman writes that this is his own love language, as it is for lots of people. When he first got married, he naturally assumed words of affirmation would make his wife feel loved, too. But no matter how much he expressed himself in words to her, she didn’t seem to respond.

2. Acts of Service

It turns out Chapman’s wife was someone whose natural love language was what he called “Acts of Service.” Just telling her all the ways he loved her might be nice, but she didn’t really feel loved unless he vacuumed the house, which for her was more romantic than a dozen long-stem roses.

3. Receiving Gifts

On the other hand, roses might be ideal for someone whose native love language is in a third category, which Chapman calls “Receiving Gifts.” That kind of person may not feel truly loved unless you give them something valuable.

That might sound expensive, but remember, not all gifts have to come from the store. The key thing is that the other person has something to hold in their hand that reminds them you love them.  

4. Quality Time

Then there’s a fourth category—“Quality Time.” People in this category don’t feel loved unless you spend time giving them your full attention. Chapman describes the case of a couple where, for 30 years, the husband cooked dinner for his wife every night and then did all the clean-up by himself.

But she never felt loved. “We never talk,” she said. “We haven’t talked in 30 years.” What she really wanted from him was quality time where he’d be really...

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