Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist!

Is your partner a narcissist? How can you tell?

The words “narcissism” and “narcissist” get tossed around a lot these days.

At first the idea sounds simple: Some people just seem to be way too self-involved. They drive the rest of us crazy with their constant need to be admired.

Some people just seem to be way too self-involved. They drive the rest of us crazy with their constant need to be admired.

It’s been estimated that extreme narcissists constitute 1-3% of the US population. In general, these are people it’s best to stay away from, if you can. But self-involvement and the need for admiration are also a normal part of being human. In practice, it’s sometimes not easy to say with confidence who fits the description of a narcissist and who doesn't.

What Exactly Is Narcissism, Anyway?

Extreme narcissists are pathologically invested in themselves. Usually this shows up as grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and an excessive need to be admired.

The most obvious narcissists are hyper-ambitious people who don't really care about anyone but themselves. They're people who will stop at nothing to get what they want, even if that means they have to lie, cheat, and ruin lots of other people in the process. These kinds of narcissists get a lot of attention in the media, especially when they over-reach and get caught in a really awful lie. Or when they do something massively immoral or illegal in their efforts to get ahead.

Extreme narcissists are pathologically invested in themselves.

But from a therapist’s perspective, there are lots of other kinds of narcissists as well. People you’d never suspect. 

There are narcissists who skulk around in the shadows, quietly infuriated that the world never recognized their brilliance. There are narcissists who lead large charitable organizations and spend their lives convinced that they are more humane than the rest of the world. And there are lots and lots of narcissists who just quietly make the people around them miserable by endlessly criticizing anyone who doesn’t satisfy their standards for beauty, accomplishment, or achievement.

Everyone Starts Out Narcissistic

What all of these different kinds of narcissists have in common is a stronger-than-average need to feel special. Which is another thing that can make the concept of narcissism confusing, since the desire to feel special is a universal human need.

Most of us, if we’re lucky enough to be raised in a loving family, start off life receiving all sorts of special treatment. We get held, and nursed, and hugged, and rocked, and for a brief period early in life treated like the most important person...

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